DEAR ABBY: I'd like to respond to your column regarding women who make more money than their husbands. While it may not be the norm for a wife to earn a higher income, it should not enter into the equation of a happy marriage.

When I met my husband 23 years ago, I was a successful business woman. He was a carpenter. He was also a man of character -- and the man of my dreams. When we decided to marry, he informed me that money was not a priority for him. Money was not an issue for me, either. I decided then and there I could always support us if need be.

We are both self-employed. Over the past 23 years, I have out-earned him 4-to-1. What I have received from him is a best friend, a terrific father who has time to coach our kids' sports teams, and a life partner with an army of loyal friends he's had time for and brought into our relationship.

My husband can build anything. He designed and built our home, as well as play structures, soccer fields and sandboxes for our local schools. When the sprinkler system at the softball field needed rebuilding -- he was there. He does all of this for no pay, because he has the ability, the time and the heart.

I am in sales, and I manage my job so well I can be home by 3 each afternoon to spend time with our children. Their dad does most of the laundry and shopping, while I clean and manage the kids' schedules. We enjoy a good life with our priorities in order, even though the balance of money-making is nontraditional.

After 23 years, my husband is still the companion I want with me in any situation. If I were stranded on a desert island or crashed in the mountains of Chile, he could do anything and would make sure everyone was safe. I married my dream man, and it doesn't matter that he's not the primary "breadwinner." It's character that counts in a marriage. Anyone can earn money. -- GRATEFUL WIFE, FAIR OAKS, CALIF.

DEAR GRATEFUL WIFE: No amount of money could buy what you and your husband share -- love and mutual respect.

DEAR ABBY: You recently printed a letter from "Marylou in Houston" about the pain of placing a child for adoption. When I went through this experience, I wrote a poem. You have my permission to print it if you think it will help others to understand the roller-coaster emotions a birth mother goes through making this decision. -- LISA BOTE-PHILLIPS, ALASKA

DEAR LISA: I certainly do think it will help. You said it very well:

ON THE WINGS OF A PRAYER

by Lisa Bote-Phillips

I set you free on the wings of a prayer

To fly through life in His tender care,

You're free from the nest and the ties that are bound

Free from the pressures I carry around.

If I kept you I'd only be cutting your wings,

Not offering the chance a true family brings.

The decision I've made has my heart torn in two,

But I know what I'm doing is the best thing for you.

The sky is so vast, the mountains so high

Take wing and remember: I love you.

Goodbye.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: You help so many people. Please help me. I am a 14-year-old girl who has been through a lot this past year. Just a little over a month ago, I had a miscarriage. It was really sad, because I wanted my baby really bad. The father -- I'll call him Bob -- didn't want anything to do with it because he claimed it wasn't his. I was very hurt by his reaction because I was so happy about the baby.

After that, everything changed between me and Bob. He told the whole school I was a whore. When I told him about the loss of the baby, he was very happy, but now he hates me more than ever.

I am so depressed and alone. Some mornings I don't even want to wake up because the pain is so bad. Sometimes I just want to end my life. I can't go to my mother about this because I never told her about anything. If she found out that her baby girl was even thinking about having sex, she would kill me.

I have nowhere to turn. Abby, if you can help me, please do. -- ALL ALONE IN TUCSON, ARIZ.

DEAR ALL ALONE: I am sorry that your relationship with your mother is so poor that you experienced a pregnancy and miscarriage right under her nose and she never knew the difference. It is important that you be examined by a doctor to make sure you are all right, physically and emotionally.

A giant step in that direction would be for you to tell your mother what has been going on this past year. She needs to wake up to reality, and although she won't be pleased to hear how out of touch you have kept her, she won't "kill" you.

No one should have to go through what you have been through alone. You need more help than I can give you in a letter. An adult in whom you can confide will make the process much easier. If you cannot bring yourself to confide in your mother, I urge you to find someone you can trust -- a school nurse, a teacher, the mother of one of your friends. You have a lot of growing up to do before you become a mother with all the responsibility it entails -- and you need to slow down.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for printing the letter from Alan I. Leshner, director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse. It made me realize that I am not the only person who has returned to old habits after the Sept. 11 attacks. I have a history of drug abuse and self-mutilation. (I cut my arms.) Sadly, I now combine them to relieve my anxiety.

Why didn't I receive treatment as soon as these habits surfaced? Because I am only 16, and adults (and some of my peers) dismiss my behavior as "just one of those stages teens go through."

Can you tell me, Abby, why is it that right now I can walk outside and within minutes get an ounce of heroin -- but it would take two weeks to convince anyone I need help to stop my self-destruction? -- RECOVERING TEEN IN THE SAN FRANCISCO BAY AREA

DEAR RECOVERING TEEN: I'm sad to say this, but it may be because the illegal drug trade is better funded than our mental health system.

However, that's no excuse for continuing the self-destructive behavior. If your parents won't accept the fact that you need help to break the cycle, please talk to another trusted adult about your need to get some professional counseling. The longer you put it off, the more difficult the habits will be to break.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Frustrated Wife," who had gained more than 100 pounds and whose husband had moved to another bedroom, was way out of line. If that man really loved his wife, he would urge her to go to counseling with him, and go with her to a diet clinic where he could learn to support her needs while overcoming her eating problem, if that is, indeed, what she has.

Abby, I am more than 100 pounds overweight. My husband would never, ever tell me it was food or him and to take my pick! He has encouraged me to join him on walks and eat healthier foods with him. This should be something they do together. This should be not only a healthier eating experience for her, but a bonding experience for both of them.

You advised her to see a dietitian and then a psychotherapist, which are good ideas for long-term help. However, I think the more appropriate action for her -- and her loving husband -- is marriage counseling. It takes many months to gain more than 100 pounds, and for her husband to just now be having a problem means something more must have happened. I think her weight problem is just another symptom of the marriage heading downhill, not just her love of food. -- CINDY IN ARIZONA

DEAR CINDY: I'm printing your letter because I received a bushel of mail from overweight women who felt I was wrong not to take her side. I'm sorry if this sounds cruel, but obesity has reached such epidemic proportions in our country that the surgeon general has spoken out about it. It is a serious health issue. Obesity is a trigger for diabetes, heart disease and several forms of cancer. I refuse to keep my mouth shut about it because speaking out is politically incorrect. My job is to give readers honest answers. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: That poor woman is a compulsive overeater with a serious problem. It is an illness, Abby -- one that society doesn't recognize.

I agree the woman needs help, but that wasn't the point of her letter. She asked if her husband was justified in withholding sex. NO, HE IS NOT! I understand he may not like the fact that she has gained weight, but to cut her off and move out of the bedroom is horrible. Marriage vows say "for better or for worse." -- REBECCA IN NEW ORLEANS

DEAR REBECCA: I agree the woman is a compulsive overeater, and there are organizations that can help her. (I have recommended Overeaters Anonymous for years.) Notice that she didn't ask for a referral for a self-help group.

As to the husband's "cutting her off and moving out of the bedroom" -- I'm sure the man would perform if he could. I wish you could see the mail on my desk from husbands who have complained that they are either so visually turned off they can no longer do the deed, or are physically unable to perform because of their wives' girth. (Women married to overweight husbands have expressed similar stories.)

Remember, the woman wrote: "My husband has repeatedly asked me to lose weight, but I have not. ... I think he expects too much, as I love to eat." That woman needs help, not another enabler.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)