DEAR ABBY: I have read your column for years. You are usually right on the money. While having my morning coffee today and reading your column, I came across your reply to "Mother Under Pressure." I couldn't believe you advised that woman that her 10-year-old daughter should be allowed to shave her legs so she could fit in with her friends.

What's next, Abby? When her daughter comes home and says her friends are having sex, doing drugs, drinking alcohol, then she should join them in this irresponsible behavior? Do you not think parents should have standards and maintain them? By the way, my daughter, who will be 17 next month, agrees with me. I'm disappointed in you, Abby. -- OUTRAGED MOM, ERWIN, TENN.

DEAR OUTRAGED MOM: I advised the mother as I did out of compassion for the girl. When a girl asks her mother for permission to shave her legs, it is usually because she is self-conscious. And as a formerly furry child myself, I know how embarrassing that can be. I do not equate that decision with having sex, doing drugs or drinking alcohol. Shaving, when done correctly, is harmless. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl writing in response to "Mother Under Pressure," who was debating letting her 10-year-old daughter shave her legs.

The girl should be allowed to shave. I know how hard it can be to be different, and she will have to shave sooner or later -- so she may as well save herself some embarrassment.

I had an 11-year-old friend who was not allowed to shave, and even her friends were talking behind her back about how odd she looked.

Please tell "Mother Under Pressure" that we girls are under pressure, too. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, SACRAMENTO, CALIF.

DEAR BEEN THERE: That's true, and when a child is made fun of by her peers, it can color the way she feels about herself for a very long time. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I want to say how right you were in your advice to "Mother Under Pressure." My mother wouldn't let me shave my legs until she finally gave in to my begging and pleading midway through seventh grade. She resisted because she didn't want me to "grow up too fast." I still clearly remember the shame and humiliation I felt about my hairy legs during gym class. It was devastating to my self-confidence at that age.

When my two daughters were young, I made it clear that it was THEIR decision to make whenever they wanted to shave. One started in fourth grade and the other in fifth grade.

You are absolutely right about girls wanting to blend in at that age. Shaving is a harmless way to do so. -- GAIL D., BEVERLY HILLS, CALIF.

DEAR GAIL: Thank you for the support. I would like to add one thing, however. If a girl is just beginning to shave her legs, an electric razor and a few pointers on how to use it are a wise investment. That way there will be fewer scars on her legs later on.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: In April 1986, you printed a letter from a woman who had lost a child and subsequently started stealing things from a friend.

Please run it again. I know it would be helpful for people who are suffering loss. God bless you. -- MRS. N. IN CARLSBAD, CALIF.

DEAR MRS. N.: Grief can manifest itself in many different ways. I'm pleased to print that letter again. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago my 2-year-old son died tragically. His death was a great shock to me. I expected to go through the normal grieving process, and I did.

However, something unexpected happened. I started to steal. I had no use for anything I took, but I was helpless to stop. Even more disturbing, I stole from people I love and am very close to. This began soon after the death of my son and stopped a few months ago.

The death of my son and the terrible guilt I felt over stealing nearly drove me to suicide twice.

I want very much to return the items I took and apologize to the owners. However, I am afraid they will probably say they "understand," but they'll never trust me in their homes again.

Please don't tell me to seek professional help because my compulsion to steal seems to have left me as quickly as it came.

I need some answers. I've never stolen anything in my life before this. Why did I steal -- especially from people I'm close to? The guilt and confusion are weighing me down. Please help me. I want to make everything better, but I don't know how. -- CONFUSED AND GUILTY

DEAR CONFUSED: Your compulsion to steal (transitory kleptomania) was triggered by your tragic loss. You unconsciously tried to compensate for your loss by taking from others because something had been taken from you. You stole from those close to you because you unconsciously envied and resented them for not having had to suffer the way you did.

You need more help than I can give you in a letter. You seem to be a fine and decent person who was temporarily destabilized by a terrible loss. You stole to "equalize" things. Forgive yourself, my friend. What you did was sick, and sickness is no crime.

You need absolution and counseling. Please see a therapist and a clergyperson if you have one.

DEAR ABBY: I have a question and I'm getting a variety of answers, so I'm hoping you can help.

Almost two years ago, I purchased an engagement ring for my fiancee. Things did not work out, and I still have the ring. Can I give it to someone in the future? Or do I have to get rid of it and buy a new one when the time comes?

I love this ring, Abby. I've been told I could give it to someone else as long as I never reveal that it was originally purchased for my former fiancee. However, if I kept that secret, I'd feel like I was lying. Please tell me what you think. -- ATLANTA GENT

DEAR GENT: Since it is unlikely that you would be able to sell or trade the engagement ring for what you paid for it, remove the stone from the setting. When you meet "Miss Right," she can have the stone put in a setting of her choosing, and then it will be truly hers.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I read the letter from the "Grinch" who didn't want her elderly neighbor intruding on her family Christmas morning.

My husband was in the military during Christmas 1964. While he was overseas, my three small children and I lived in a neighborhood with a large number of retired people.

Early Christmas morning, an elderly woman from across the street arrived unexpectedly with gifts. She said she wanted to come while the kids were still opening their presents and the gift wrappings and ribbon were all over the floor. She had no family of her own and wished to be part of our family's celebration.

My children, grandchildren and I still celebrate together on Christmas mornings. My husband survived the war, but has since died. That dear elderly neighbor has long since passed on, but my children and I speak of her lovingly each Christmas morning as we open gifts among paper and ribbons scattered on the floor.

I hope "Grinch" will rethink her outlook. She should realize that sharing the joy of Christmas with others will teach her children a precious lesson for years to come. -- A FLORIDA GRANDMA

DEAR GRANDMA: You're a woman with a heart of gold. As "Grinch's" letter shows, some people are more territorial about their families and holidays than you are. I agree that sharing the holidays would be a valuable lesson for the children. A joy shared is twice a joy.

DEAR ABBY: As regular readers of your column know, more and more often the bereaved are giving themselves permission to break away from formalized funeral rituals and creating final memorials that are in keeping with the expressed wishes of their deceased loved ones.

As president-elect of an association dedicated to affordable alternatives to conventional funerals, I urge your readers to:

(1) Take time now to preplan and discuss with family their wishes for this final event.

(2) When that time arrives, exercise your rights to create a memorial that is in keeping with the close family's expressed desires.

(3) Do not be intimidated by those who insist that you are doing the loved one a disservice by not having a conventional funeral.

Thank you for helping us to shed some light on this issue, Abby. -- TOM SIMONSON, CREMATION ASSOCIATION OF NORTH AMERICA

DEAR TOM: I'm pleased to post your gentle reminder for any reader who needs encouragement. Talking about the inevitable isn't easy; sometimes it's difficult to get people who love us to listen to such an unpleasant subject.

However, the most practical way around those defenses is to make clear, well before the need arises, that you want your family to keep as many of your assets as possible.

A funeral procession that rivals the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace may be a great spectacle, but it's a little late for the star of the show. The time to show respect and affection to those we love is while they are living.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)