DEAR ABBY: I am responding to the letter from "A Reader in St. Louis," who was indifferent to sex until she rediscovered a loving relationship with her husband and learned the true meaning of intimacy.

Her letter made me wonder how many women whose sex drive has diminished or disappeared have husbands like mine, who regards the romantic side of lovemaking as "sissy stuff," saying "real men" don't act that way.

My husband's image of a real man is any actor in a porno flick. Unfortunately, I am partly to blame for his attitude. I admit that we were both hooked on porn films as a turn-on. When we had sex, my husband expected me to writhe in ecstasy, moan and utter expletives for several minutes -- just like the porn actresses did. Never was the word "love" mentioned. It was as if it didn't belong in this scenario.

Because my husband has no other bad habits, doesn't cheat, and demonstrates his love in everyday acts of kindness, I went along with this play-acting for many years. However, the arousal I once felt from this contrived sex wore off for me a long time ago. It hasn't for him, though. He can't understand why I've gone from being a hot tamale to a cold fish.

When "Reader in St. Louis" wrote that "sex isn't entertainment," that line really hit home. The truth is, I have come to this same realization, while my husband has not. And, after 30 years of marriage, he probably never will.

In spite of all the advice we hear about experimenting with sex in different ways to keep the excitement in a relationship, take it from one who's tried it all: Cheap thrills don't last forever and can even have a damaging effect if there is no communication or intimacy between lovers. -- BEEN THERE, DONE IT ALL

DEAR BEEN THERE: It's time you and your husband attempted a new kind of sex thrill -- a frank and honest conversation about what is and is not going on in your bedroom. If you haven't verbalized your feelings to your spouse, you cannot blame him for continuing to do what he still thinks is "thrilling" to both of you. I agree with you that communication is vital. Marriage counseling can help you to achieve it. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 67-year-old widow of two years. I live alone in the country, about a mile from a small two-stoplight town. My problem is that a nice gentleman who lives about seven hours away has been coming to see me from time to time, and he calls me every day, sometimes twice a day. He would like to come to see me and stay at my house, since he lives so far away. I am reluctant to let him because I don't know if it would be proper. I trust him, but I don't want to do anything that would embarrass my children and grandchildren.

What do you think? Should I let him stay at my house? -- LONELY IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR LONELY: By all means allow him to come and visit -- it's the only way the two of you will be able to decide whether the relationship has a future. However, because there are no secrets in a community as small as yours, invite one of your grandchildren to "chaperone" during his visits. If the relationship becomes romantic, the two of you should arrange to take some trips together. The tongues may still wag, but at least you'll have a degree of privacy.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I wrote the enclosed essay for our newsletter here at the Lutheran Apartments and thought you might like to share it with your readers. Although I'm retired, I am still listed in "Marquis Who's Who in Entertainment." I haven't the slightest idea of why I'm in that series -- since at 79 I am too old to sing or dance, and my jokes are ancient. -- MYRON J. QUIMBY, ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.

DEAR MYRON: No one is too old to sing or kick up his heels if he feels like it. Clever humor never goes out of style. I'm delighted to share your essay with my readers:

REMEMBER THE "GOOD OLD DAYS"?

I frequently hear people talk about the "good old days."

As I recall, those were the days when you could buy a loaf of bread or a quart of milk for a dime, a hot dog or even a tamale for a nickel. But they were also the days when millions of people didn't HAVE a dime or even a nickel. Fathers were anxious to work and so were 12 million others, but there were no jobs to be had.

Those were the days when you could skate or ride your bicycle on the streets without fear of being hit by a car. But they were also the days when parents couldn't afford to buy skates, a bicycle, and certainly not a car. Ah, the "good old days"!

It was a time when you could go to sleep with all your windows open (no air conditioning), or leave your home and not even lock the door. There was little fear of being robbed. But it was also a time when you really didn't have anything worth stealing, anyhow.

Lest we forget, it was a time of hunger, fear of tuberculosis, polio, and a host of childhood diseases. Our parents were old at 40, and if they lived to be 60 they were ANCIENT!

Today, we cure tuberculosis and prevent polio, mumps, measles and even chickenpox. So the next time you hear somebody talk about the "good old days," remind them of the "good days TODAY" -- and go smilingly on your way.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I plan to be married next spring. It has been decided that his mother is no longer welcome at the ceremony. We haven't come up with a polite way to tell her.

To avoid potential problems, we are considering going on a "vacation," during which we will be married with only a few friends in attendance.

Have you any other ideas? -- WE HAVE OUR REASONS

DEAR WE HAVE OUR REASONS: There is no polite way to tell your future mother-in-law she is no longer welcome to attend your wedding. An elopement would achieve your goal without humiliating her.

TO ALL MY JEWISH READERS, A HAPPY HANUKKAH!

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 45-year-old divorced man with no children. I have lived alone since my divorce 15 years ago and wouldn't have it any other way. I'm not anti-social. I have a steady girlfriend and many friends.

My problem is my family at Christmastime. Nobody in our family is particularly religious, so during family gatherings the holiday is not celebrated in the spiritual sense. Frankly, I find the "Ho, Ho, Ho" aspect of the holiday overblown and am relieved when it is over. I prefer to spend Christmas Day reading, catching up on home repairs, or -- weather permitting -- cross-country skiing or ice fishing.

My family insists I must get together with them simply because it's Christmas. I live within a half-hour of all of them and can get together with them whenever I like. However, they cannot accept the fact that I am not a "Christmas guy." (I still give nice gifts to all the kids and chip in on a big gift for my parents.)

My girlfriend accepts my decision and celebrates with her family, although deep down I suspect my "Grinchiness" does bother her.

Abby, I mean no disrespect and wish them all a merry Christmas, but how can I convince them that I prefer to spend the holidays alone? -- CHRISTMAS LONER AND LOVING IT

DEAR CHRISTMAS LONER: It may be difficult to do, because your perception of a merry Christmas is so different from theirs, and your attitude isn't shared by the majority of people. What you have failed to consider is the fact that Christmas is traditionally a family holiday -- and to your parents and siblings (and your girlfriend), you are an important part of the family picture.

However, since you are uncomfortable with the family celebrations, tell your relatives that this is your quirk and you expect them to respect it. Eventually, they'll get over their disappointment. Enjoy your home repairs, cross-country skiing and ice fishing, and in the words of the Bard, "... to thine own self be true."

DEAR ABBY: I have read your column for years and was delighted to read another of your "pennies from heaven" letters from Lisa Angilano of Berea, Ohio, concerning her brother who was killed in a car crash. I also lost a brother last year in a car accident.

After reading the paper, I went to my usual morning Mass and decided to ask the Lord to let me know if my brother was in heaven, along with a sister and my mother who had also passed away.

I prayed to find some pennies from heaven to let me know. Later that morning, I went to the post office and when I came out, I found three pennies clustered together in an empty parking space next to my car. I was moved to tears. Now I know they are all there. -- GRATEFUL IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR GRATEFUL: If you had any misgivings, I'm pleased they were put to rest. Your experience proves the truth of the saying, "When in doubt, send money!"

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)