DEAR ABBY: Twelve years ago, our 16-year-old daughter, "Heather," began dating "Johnny," a nice boy from a troubled home. During the three years they went together, Johnny became almost like a foster son to us. We provided emotional support he didn't get at home, and he even lived with us for a year before going to college.
Even though Heather's relationship with him ended nine years ago, we have stayed close to Johnny. He has spent every Christmas at our home.
Heather married last summer and wants to bring her new husband home for Christmas this year. (Since we live on opposite coasts, visits are infrequent.)
Our daughter has no objection to her former boyfriend's presence, but her husband refuses to come if Johnny is here -- which he has been every Christmas for the past 12 years. Heather defends her husband and has requested we disinvite Johnny.
I feel torn about what to do, Abby. On the one hand, I don't want to distance my daughter and her husband, whom we are still getting to know. On the other hand, I feel a responsibility for Johnny with whom we've grown so close. Over the years he has come to count on our love and support and considers us his "family." What in the world should I do? -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE
DEAR CAUGHT: It is regrettable that your daughter's husband feels threatened by this man who is such a large part of all your lives. Chalk it up to immaturity, insecurity and a controlling nature.
However, to keep peace in the family, invite Johnny to spend any holidays with you that your daughter and son-in-law cannot.
P.S. Heather should be the one to break the news to Johnny. After all, she's an adult now. It should be done soon, so he can make other plans.