DEAR ABBY: About six months ago, I was at a friend's house. We were drinking heavily, and I started getting dizzy, so I went to lie down in her guest bedroom. She was already asleep.

The next thing I knew, her boyfriend was in there with me. He started taking my clothes off. I begged him to stop, but he wouldn't. I was so drunk I didn't have the strength to fight him off. I begged him to leave me alone, but he wouldn't. He raped me. I finally passed out and woke the next morning hoping it had been a dream. It wasn't. I was still naked and had bruises where he had held my wrists.

I left without saying a word and have told no one else. My girlfriend still calls, but I hang up. I need to tell her, but I don't know how. I also need to tell my family, but I can't because I'm afraid they will say I deserved it for going over there and getting drunk. I know I didn't deserve what he did to me. It has taken me this long to figure that out.

The pain has begun to fade, but the fear of him is still there. Abby, please help me find the courage to finally speak up and tell everyone about it. -- SCARED AND ALONE IN BRITTON, MICH.

DEAR SCARED AND ALONE: The penalty for having too much to drink should be a nasty hangover, not rape. You did not deserve what happened to you. I'm only sorry you waited so long to speak out about the assault. With fresh bruises and the evidence that could have been collected at that time, you would have had proof of your rape, and your attacker could have been jailed for his crime. Also, you could have begun therapy immediately to help you place the blame where it belonged -- on the rapist -- and saved yourself long months of undeserved guilt.

However, it is not too late to get the counseling and emotional support you need. Pick up the phone and ask "Information" for the number of the nearest rape hotline. You will find that you are not alone and are not "guilty" of any crime. Once you understand that, telling your family and the girl whose boyfriend attacked you will be much easier.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in the doghouse with my mother. Last month, my daughter turned 21. As a gift, I planned a special three-day weekend for the two of us. We flew to San Diego and visited some attractions my daughter has always wanted to see -- Sea World and the zoo.

The problem: My mother lives in San Diego. She's mad that we didn't stay with her or visit. Abby, there are three reasons why we didn't contact her: She's very controlling and demanding and would have changed all the plans we made. Second, I wanted our weekend to be a father-daughter event. Third, we see Mom several times a year.

Mom says I should have invited her to some of the attractions. However, she doesn't like to walk and would have complained the whole time. She also said we should have invited her along for dinner, but my daughter and I share a taste for spicy foods, which Mom dislikes. In other words, there was no way to please her and have quality time with my daughter.

Was I wrong? Can't a father spend a special birthday with his child without turning it into a family reunion? Mom's not speaking to me or my daughter, but agreed to forgive and forget if you side with me. -– GENE IN IDAHO

DEAR GENE: I'm siding with you. Of course it is permissible for a father to share a special birthday with his daughter. Surely this isn't the first time family members have noticed that your mother can be difficult or self-centered. It's a sad situation, really, because if she were more flexible, she would have been welcomed.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: On Mother's Day, we went to visit my in-laws. My mother-in-law, "Gertrude," had been sick for several years. While we were there, my father-in-law, "Hank," told us he was tired of taking care of her and not getting any relief. This was the first time we heard that he was in need of help.

Two weeks later, Hank called to say that Gert was very ill and the doctors didn't give her long to live. My husbvand is a long-haul truck driver and was on the West Coast. It took us three days to get to his parents. When we arrived, we found Gert's health had drastically deteriorated. She was bedridden and could hardly speak. It was obviious it was only a matter of days.

As we were about to leave, Hank said he wanted us to meet someone. He left the house and returned 10 minutes later with a woman. He introduced her as his "special friend." Abby, she was his girlfriend! He brought her into the house while his wife of more than 40 years lay there dying. Two days later, Gert was gone.

\ While we were at the funeral home making the burial arrangements, Hank called his girlfriend on his cell phone and asked her to accompany him to his grandson's graduation. (It was the same day.) When she arrived at the funeral home, they clung to each other to the point of being sicke ning, and he told us he loved her.

Can you believe anyone would have so little respect for his wife and family? My husband and his sister are appalled. Had he waited a reasonable length of time to introduce eus, we could have accepted it. Granted, Gert wasn't the easiest person to live with, but Hank was sick for many years himself, and Gert stood by him, worked and took care of her family, too.

What do you think of his behavior? -- HORRIFIED IN HICKORY, N.C.

DEAR HORRIFIED: It appears your father-in-law was experiencing caregiver burnout for some time. He was overwhelmed by the responsibility and needed someone to lean on. Since no family was there to help him, he turned to a "special friend."

While I agree the timing of his declaration of love leaves something to be desired, please do not judge him harshly.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a married man who happens to have a girlfriend. My wife knows her and likes her, and her husband is a fine man for whom I have the greatest respect.

We are not cheating. There are no tears, no recriminations, no lies, no guilt, no screaming, no divorces, no dead bodies on the floor. Everyuone's heart is big enough to accommodate this situation.

Your column is filled with letters from jealous spouses. I wonder if you dare acknowledge a different perspective. Jealousy is not instinctive in humans. It is learned behavior -- a product of cultural conditioning.

Many people have open marriages. Puritanism was one of the most destructive forces in American history. It should have been jettisoned centuries ago.

The next time you see one of those horrible news stories about a man killing his estranged wife, kids and self, consider what the price of that cultural conditioning really is. -- ALIVE AND WELL IN UTOPIA

DEAR ALIVE AND WELL: Cultural conditioning? Estranged husbands who kill their former wives, children and themselves are psychopaths. I'm hardly a Puritan, but in my opinion, people who have open marriages behave as though they have no marriage at all. My sympathy to their spouses.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Eight months ago, I moved in with my aunt and her son, my cousin "Billy." Billy's parents divorced several years ago, and his dad abruptly cut off all communication with Billy and his older brother. This hurt both boys very much.

Billy is now 22 and harbors great anger toward his father. It is understandable. But Billy takes his anger out on his mother and me. He pushes us away and has withdrawn from all family members and friends.

I try to give Billy his space. Although I would like to help him, I'm afraid that trying to talk to him -- even to offer support -- will make him feel even more vulnerable and defensive. He's not comfortable talking about his feelings. He reacts emotionally and plays the blame game.

I'm worried about my once kind and easygoing cousin, and about whether he can pull himself together and get on with his life.

How can I talk to Billy without escalating his anger? I want so badly to help. -- T.C. IN STATEN ISLAND, N.Y.

DEAR T.C.: Billy needs more help than you are equipped to give him. While his anger at his father is understandable, the blame game solves nothing, and he's focusing his anger on the wrong people. Isolating himself from family and friends is a clue that Billy has more problems than he's revealing to you. Tell him you love him and that you care -- and urge him to get professional counseling.

DEAR ABBY: A couple of years ago, my wife, sweetheart and lifetime companion for 63 years was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. When I could no longer care for her, I placed her in a nursing facility.

We have three children, all married; nine grandchildren and seven great-grandchildren. It's heartbreaking, but she no longer recognizes any members of our family.

Last week, my daughter took me to see my wife. I held her hand and said, "Honey, do you remember that today is your birthday?" She didn't say a word. I continued, "Today you are 84. So now we are the same age. I am also 84." She looked up at me and said, "You look like you're 104."

On the way home, my daughter said, "Dad, maybe Mom is not as bad as we thought." -- BILL ANDREWS, PRAIRIE VILLAGE, KAN.

DEAR BILL: Funn-ee. Although circumstances have not been kind to you and your wife, she hasn't lost her sense of humor -- and neither have you and your daughter.

DEAR ABBY: An average of nearly three children under the age of 15 die each day in U.S. house fires, and 80 percent of these deaths occur in homes without working smoke alarms. Smoke alarms double a family's chance of surviving a home fire -- but only if they work.

We members of the International Association of Fire Chiefs (IAFC) and Energizer urge families to change the batteries in their smoke alarms when they change their clocks back to standard time. This year, "Change Your Clock, Change Your Battery" takes place on Sunday, Oct. 28. We would appreciate your reminding your readers about the importance of maintaining working smoke alarms with fresh batteries every year. -- CHIEF JOHN M. BUCKMAN III, IAFC PRESIDENT

DEAR CHIEF BUCKMAN: Gladly. Changing clocks AND smoke alarm batteries at the end of daylight-saving time is a lifesaving ritual that everyone should practice without fail. Readers, buy your batteries today so you'll have them ready for Sunday, Oct. 28.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)