DEAR ABBY: On Mother's Day, we went to visit my in-laws. My mother-in-law, "Gertrude," had been sick for several years. While we were there, my father-in-law, "Hank," told us he was tired of taking care of her and not getting any relief. This was the first time we heard that he was in need of help.

Two weeks later, Hank called to say that Gert was very ill and the doctors didn't give her long to live. My husbvand is a long-haul truck driver and was on the West Coast. It took us three days to get to his parents. When we arrived, we found Gert's health had drastically deteriorated. She was bedridden and could hardly speak. It was obviious it was only a matter of days.

As we were about to leave, Hank said he wanted us to meet someone. He left the house and returned 10 minutes later with a woman. He introduced her as his "special friend." Abby, she was his girlfriend! He brought her into the house while his wife of more than 40 years lay there dying. Two days later, Gert was gone.

\ While we were at the funeral home making the burial arrangements, Hank called his girlfriend on his cell phone and asked her to accompany him to his grandson's graduation. (It was the same day.) When she arrived at the funeral home, they clung to each other to the point of being sicke ning, and he told us he loved her.

Can you believe anyone would have so little respect for his wife and family? My husband and his sister are appalled. Had he waited a reasonable length of time to introduce eus, we could have accepted it. Granted, Gert wasn't the easiest person to live with, but Hank was sick for many years himself, and Gert stood by him, worked and took care of her family, too.

What do you think of his behavior? -- HORRIFIED IN HICKORY, N.C.

DEAR HORRIFIED: It appears your father-in-law was experiencing caregiver burnout for some time. He was overwhelmed by the responsibility and needed someone to lean on. Since no family was there to help him, he turned to a "special friend."

While I agree the timing of his declaration of love leaves something to be desired, please do not judge him harshly.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a married man who happens to have a girlfriend. My wife knows her and likes her, and her husband is a fine man for whom I have the greatest respect.

We are not cheating. There are no tears, no recriminations, no lies, no guilt, no screaming, no divorces, no dead bodies on the floor. Everyuone's heart is big enough to accommodate this situation.

Your column is filled with letters from jealous spouses. I wonder if you dare acknowledge a different perspective. Jealousy is not instinctive in humans. It is learned behavior -- a product of cultural conditioning.

Many people have open marriages. Puritanism was one of the most destructive forces in American history. It should have been jettisoned centuries ago.

The next time you see one of those horrible news stories about a man killing his estranged wife, kids and self, consider what the price of that cultural conditioning really is. -- ALIVE AND WELL IN UTOPIA

DEAR ALIVE AND WELL: Cultural conditioning? Estranged husbands who kill their former wives, children and themselves are psychopaths. I'm hardly a Puritan, but in my opinion, people who have open marriages behave as though they have no marriage at all. My sympathy to their spouses.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Eight months ago, I moved in with my aunt and her son, my cousin "Billy." Billy's parents divorced several years ago, and his dad abruptly cut off all communication with Billy and his older brother. This hurt both boys very much.

Billy is now 22 and harbors great anger toward his father. It is understandable. But Billy takes his anger out on his mother and me. He pushes us away and has withdrawn from all family members and friends.

I try to give Billy his space. Although I would like to help him, I'm afraid that trying to talk to him -- even to offer support -- will make him feel even more vulnerable and defensive. He's not comfortable talking about his feelings. He reacts emotionally and plays the blame game.

I'm worried about my once kind and easygoing cousin, and about whether he can pull himself together and get on with his life.

How can I talk to Billy without escalating his anger? I want so badly to help. -- T.C. IN STATEN ISLAND, N.Y.

DEAR T.C.: Billy needs more help than you are equipped to give him. While his anger at his father is understandable, the blame game solves nothing, and he's focusing his anger on the wrong people. Isolating himself from family and friends is a clue that Billy has more problems than he's revealing to you. Tell him you love him and that you care -- and urge him to get professional counseling.

DEAR ABBY: A couple of years ago, my wife, sweetheart and lifetime companion for 63 years was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. When I could no longer care for her, I placed her in a nursing facility.

We have three children, all married; nine grandchildren and seven great-grandchildren. It's heartbreaking, but she no longer recognizes any members of our family.

Last week, my daughter took me to see my wife. I held her hand and said, "Honey, do you remember that today is your birthday?" She didn't say a word. I continued, "Today you are 84. So now we are the same age. I am also 84." She looked up at me and said, "You look like you're 104."

On the way home, my daughter said, "Dad, maybe Mom is not as bad as we thought." -- BILL ANDREWS, PRAIRIE VILLAGE, KAN.

DEAR BILL: Funn-ee. Although circumstances have not been kind to you and your wife, she hasn't lost her sense of humor -- and neither have you and your daughter.

DEAR ABBY: An average of nearly three children under the age of 15 die each day in U.S. house fires, and 80 percent of these deaths occur in homes without working smoke alarms. Smoke alarms double a family's chance of surviving a home fire -- but only if they work.

We members of the International Association of Fire Chiefs (IAFC) and Energizer urge families to change the batteries in their smoke alarms when they change their clocks back to standard time. This year, "Change Your Clock, Change Your Battery" takes place on Sunday, Oct. 28. We would appreciate your reminding your readers about the importance of maintaining working smoke alarms with fresh batteries every year. -- CHIEF JOHN M. BUCKMAN III, IAFC PRESIDENT

DEAR CHIEF BUCKMAN: Gladly. Changing clocks AND smoke alarm batteries at the end of daylight-saving time is a lifesaving ritual that everyone should practice without fail. Readers, buy your batteries today so you'll have them ready for Sunday, Oct. 28.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I had to laugh when I read the letter from the cashier who got even with rude customers using cell phones by "misplacing" their merchandise. Her actions were wrong, of course, but I understand her frustration.

I manage a store and frequently work behind the cash register. Believe me, the cell phone problem is epidemic. When my employees complain about rude customers, I advise them to pretend the phone doesn't exist. Little did I know that one of my employees would come up with a solution to the problem:

One Sunday morning when the employee was in church, somebody's cell phone rang. Every head in church turned to see "whodunit." The pastor stopped in the middle of his sermon and announced, "Go ahead. We'll wait -- who is it?" The pastor's expression showed he wasn't angry -- nevertheless, his point was clearly made. The congregation howled with laughter.

Now, when one of my employees uses this tactic, the result is the same. And not one person has ever come into the store a second time babbling away on the airwaves. -- FOUND A BETTER WAY IN NASHVILLE

DEAR FOUND A BETTER WAY: Which proves you get better results with humor than with rancor. Bravo. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I suspect that some people use cell phones as a psychological barrier to help them avoid interacting with strangers. After all, interrupting people while they're on a cell phone is something most of us instinctively avoid. My theory is that while immersed in private conversation, the callers feel shielded from the outside world.

I've heard snippets of chatter so inane I can't believe my ears. Don't get me wrong; I'm not eavesdropping. However, sometimes it's impossible not to listen when someone brushes past me or talks incessantly while waiting in line behind me.

Sometimes I suspect that people only pretend to be on their cell phone. They think it makes them appear more important than they really are. It's a snobbish affectation, but they actually believe they're somehow earning respect from those who observe them.

Thanks for letting me vent. Sign me ... FINGERS IN MY EARS

DEAR FINGERS: Those are interesting theories. Technologies may change, but people remain the same. There was a famous hotel here in Los Angeles that was frequented years ago by celebrities. The reservation list in the famous "lounge" was a veritable Who's Who of actors, directors, producers and agents. This was long before the invention of cell phones. People who wanted to draw attention to themselves would arrange to be paged. A uniformed bellman -- who had previously starred in the "Call for Philip Morris" cigarette commercials -- would stride through the hotel lobby and restaurant calling out, "Telephone call for Mister (blank)!" I suspect it was done more often by people between jobs than people who actually had urgent business.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)