DEAR ABBY: I must respond to "Bisexual in New Jersey," who asked what his wife would gain if she found out.

What would she gain? Her life. You're afraid to stand up and say you are gay to the world; so is your lover. Your wife deserves better from you. She has given herself to you, and she shouldn't be repaid like this.

I am the ex-wife of a man who recently came out. We were married for 20 years. I had no clue he was gay. He woke up one morning to tell me he didn't love me anymore, the marriage was over, and I had no choice but to "get over it." He said he's put up a good front through our 20 years together.

My ex has a married lover. I feel for his wife. She has no idea. You don't know how painful it is to find out your married life was a lie. I owe my well-being to my therapist, who helped me understand why gays do this. It isn't their fault. It is society's fault for making them feel ashamed, and the spouse is the one who pays for it. -- ALONE IN OHIO

DEAR ALONE: Because we live in a society that places great emphasis on "family values," many gay people marry in order to conform to societal pressure. While they may be able to stifle their inner feelings for a while –- even for years -– it should come as no surprise that eventually their true feelings emerge. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I was married more than 30 years when my husband came out to me. I lost my former life, including my home, friends, in-laws, my sexual identity, financial security, retirement plans, etc. I'm still struggling to put my life back together. My marriage is gone, and with it everything I thought was meaningful to both of us. I would much prefer to be in my marriage than living the life I am now.

Gay people have support groups to turn to with their needs. Support groups are also needed for the families left by the gay spouse. Straight spouses and former spouses need their concerns addressed, too. -- ALONE IN PHOENIX

DEAR ALONE: Of course they do. Please read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Bisexual" says his wife would destroy her life, his life, their kids' lives, his lover's and his lover's family's lives if she stumbled upon his 10-year affair with another married man. Hasn't his secret life already destroyed the trust at the heart of both marriages?

"What would his wife gain?" he asks. The truth! His wife would be devastated, but not destroyed. Wives whose husbands come out -– the thousands with whom I have spoken since 1984 -– tell me that knowing the truth was horrible, but better than living their husbands' lie without knowing it.

A nationwide support network is ready to help her resolve her anger, pain and grief in a constructive way. Resources are listed on the Straight Spouse Network Web page: www.ssnetwk.org; by e-mail: dir(at)ssnetwk.org; or by phone: (510) 525-0200. -- AMITY P. BUXTON, PH.D.

DEAR AMITY: I'm pleased to hear from you. I recognize your name as the author of an excellent book on this subject, "The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families." Thank you for sharing these important resources.

The first reaction many spouses have when they are told their husband or wife is gay is that of shame. They feel somehow they are to blame. In their zeal to hide the truth, they wind up closeting and isolating themselves –- actually assuming their spouse's place in the closet! It is vital that they understand they are not alone. An estimated 2 million women and men in the United States are (or were) married to a homosexual or bisexual partner.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 50 years. I am 70, my husband is 73. We have eight grandchildren and are active in our church and community. Everyone thinks our marriage is a happy one. However, they are mistaken.

My husband has had seven affairs that I know of in the last 40 years. Each affair lasted from six months to seven years. His current affair is now in its sixth year.

Abby, his mistress calls me and lets me know every time they meet. She tells me to leave him so they can be together. You can't imagine the pain of hearing a young woman say: "Old goat! We are in love. Leave him so he can have a life with me." I am devastated, but I fear loneliness. I don't know where to turn. Please tell me what to do. -- LOST IN CHICAGO

P.S. I wrote you in 1984 about the same problem. You gave me two choices: Leave him or tolerate his behavior, because he wouldn't change. You were right. He did not change. You said personally you would have chosen the first option. I'm sorry I didn't follow your advice then.

DEAR LOST: I, too, am sorry that you didn't follow my advice. It would have saved you 17 years of pain and humiliation.

I hope you'll take my advice this time. Some things are worse than loneliness, and in my opinion, living with a chronic cheater is one of them. Make an appointment with a lawyer -- and this time, follow through.

DEAR ABBY: I recently lost my wife to cancer. I could not believe the kindness and consideration of so many family members and friends. However, some people said and wrote things that were thoughtless or hurtful.

My wife entered hospice care when it was apparent she would not win her battle. One woman sent her a greeting card that included the message, "Just think -– when you die you can be my guardian angel!" Believe it or not, that was topped at the visitation prior to the funeral, when a widow told me: "You think it's bad today? Just wait. Every day will be worse than the day before."

Instead of rushing to "open mouth and insert foot," people should just offer sincere condolences, shake hands, and hug or kiss the bereaved.

Weeks after the funeral, wherever I went -– including church -– people would either try to avoid me or give me a pained look and ask, "And how are you?" Instead, they should say, "Good to see you." The bereaved do not need to be reminded of their loss, but do welcome smiles and cheery greetings. -- KEN ALBRECHT, SEA ISLE CITY, N.J.

DEAR KEN: Please accept my sympathy for your loss. Many people feel awkward and do not know the proper words to offer when someone has suffered the loss of a spouse or relative. It is for those people I am printing your letter. I hope they will save it for future reference. Sooner or later, we're all going to encounter someone in that situation, and it's best to be prepared.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm worried about Grandpa, who is 96. Ever since Grandma died two years ago, Gramps has been acting like a playboy. Granted, he works out every day and looks like he's only 70, lives independently in his own home and still drives a car. However, Grandpa chases around with women half his age, spending money like it's water, going to social events and sometimes having a cocktail!

Abby, how can I get Grandpa to behave himself, keep those gold-diggers away and stop spending my inheritance?

I've tried talking to him. He says it's his life, he practices safe sex and to mind my own business! Since it's MY inheritance he's wasting, I think it is MY business!

What do you think about this, Abby? -- WORRIED GRANDSON, GLENDALE, CALIF.

P.S. I'm worried his new lifestyle will kill him.

DEAR WORRIED GRANDSON: No, you're not. You're worried that Grandpa's got a new lease on life, and when the lease is up, you'll be broke. Shame on you.

DEAR ABBY: My 11-year-old niece, "Tori," has begun sending thank-you notes by e-mail rather than snail mail. Although I would much prefer receiving an old-fashioned thank-you note, I understand that in this day and age, an electronic acknowledgment for a gift may suffice.

However, what I find more upsetting is the fact that Tori writes only one thank-you message, and then copies it to everyone who has given her a gift.

Recently she participated in a school fund-raiser that happened to fall on the same week as her birthday. Certain family members and friends contributed to her fund-raiser, while others sent only birthday gifts. Tori's one-size-fits-all e-mail read: "Thank you for your fund-raiser/birthday contribution."

What do you think of this, Abby? How can I tactfully let my niece know that a mass mailing is no different than not being thanked at all? -- UPSET AUNTIE

DEAR AUNTIE: Say it in an e-mail. Each thank-you should be individual and personal -- and now is the time for your niece to learn this valuable lesson. Your message is an important one.

DEAR ABBY: Your column recounting timeless maxims of the now defunct Finch School for Women in New York City reminded me of more Finch wisdom -- something taught by Jessica Cosgrave, the school's founder and president when I was a student there in the '40s.

Those maxims contained the philosophy she most wanted us to remember and to be guided by. Like her school, Ms. Cosgrave is no longer in existence, but I hope you'll agree that hers is a still timely philosophy and consider sharing it with your readers:

"Thought makes action

"Action makes habit

"Habit makes character

"Character makes Destiny."

-- MARY "MIMI" KEY HENLEY, FINCH JR. COLLEGE CLASS OF '46

P.S. The Finch motto, "Ineamus Meliora," translates to: "Let Us Go On to Better Things." Your column promotes that goal by creating better understanding among people.

DEAR MARY: Thank you. Good advice, like good manners, never goes out of style. Although Ms. Cosgrave is no longer with us, she left behind a beautiful legacy.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)