DEAR ABBY: I am 36 years old. My boyfriend, "Phillip," is 44. We have been dating exclusively for almost four years. I am ready to get married and start a family.

Phillip asked me to marry him one evening a year ago. He'd had a lot to drink. There was no mention about our picking out an engagement ring. The following morning, he changed his mind and said, "That's not how I planned on doing it."

A year has passed. He hasn't asked me again. He says we should purchase a house first. We haven't looked for one because he says he's expecting a huge raise soon. We don't need his raise to qualify for a mortgage. We make plenty of money.

Abby, I want to get this show on the road. I know Phillip loves me, as I love him. But I'm getting more discouraged with each passing month. What should I do? -- RINGLESS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR RINGLESS: Phillip may love you, but he still isn't ready to make a commitment. Have a serious and sober discussion with him and tell him exactly how you feel. You have nothing to lose by doing so.

You may discover that you and Phillip want different things from this relationship. His answers may not be what you want to hear, but four years is a long enough investment with no guarantees.

DEAR ABBY: I know you occasionally print letters about "random acts of kindness." I'd like to share what happened to me in Albuquerque 10 years ago.

I didn't know a soul in New Mexico. I needed to be totally alone to finally acknowledge and accept the fact my husband had died.

One evening, I was in a lovely restaurant. My server placed my order, then proceeded to prepare the corner table next to me. First came a large arrangement of fresh flowers, a champagne bucket, etc. Shortly thereafter, a couple was escorted to the table. The gentleman was a famous personality. I tried to be discreet about glancing their way and wished I'd brought a book to read. I was feeling melancholy. My first vacation without my husband was not a happy one.

Evidently my demeanor was interpreted as "unhappy lady." The server appeared and said, "The couple at the corner table would like to send a glass of champagne to your table. Will that be all right with you?" I glanced at the couple; they smiled. How could I not accept their thoughtful gesture? The glass was placed on my table. I caught their eye and lifted my glass to toast them on their special occasion. The gentleman leaned over and said, "It's not a special occasion, just a celebration of life -- to the good times ahead."

Now, whenever I feel the blues coming on, I think of the "celebration of life and to the good times," and a very special couple. -- MRS. Z ON LONG ISLAND

DEAR MRS. Z: Indeed. Generous, too. People who are happy are usually inclined to spread the joy around.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in the sixth grade. Many girls in my grade are into makeup, clothes and boys. I have just recently gotten interested in those things, too. But my friends haven't -- they couldn't care less.

Abby, what should I do? I have never been popular, and I fear that if I lose my friends, I'll be alone. I feel too mature for them, but without them, I would be totally lost. -- GROWING UP TOO FAST IN N.J.

DEAR GROWING UP TOO FAST: Be patient. Many of your friends will soon catch up with you. Those who never do will still be your friends. Make room for people who have different tastes and interests. It's called diversity. It's what makes this world an interesting -- and inclusive -- place.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter about school bullies. I went to school more than 20 years ago, and it hasn't changed. My family was poor. My clothes in high school were yard-sale stuff. One morning I walked into school and kids stopped and pointed at me, laughing. I remember a teacher coming into the hall to see what was going on, and he laughed, too. I was wearing colors that didn't go together, but it was the best I could do. My life was a nightmare.

I had gym class that same day. We were going outside to play softball but had to choose up teams first. The two popular girls were always team captains. They chose their teams and I was left standing alone. The teacher said, "Bonnie, you get Carol." Bonnie said loudly, "I don't want Carol. She stinks at this game. She stinks at every game." Then the team captains argued over who was going to get stuck with me. I wanted to die.

When they all ran outside, I lagged behind, slipped back into the locker room, and changed back into my old, worn-out, mismatched clothes. I went home. Nobody missed me. I went into our garage and looked for something poisonous. I wanted to kill myself and get it over with. I hated the kids, I hated the teachers and I hated myself. I turned the old broken radio on low. Its case was cracked, but it still worked, and I just cried and cried.

Then I got serious and found a bottle of termite poison. I had almost worked up the nerve to drink it when the radio played Dolly Parton's "Coat of Many Colors." It was a song about a girl who wore a coat pieced together from rags because her family was poor, and the kids at school laughed at her. And I thought, "Look where Dolly is today -- she didn't run home and kill herself. She got through it."

I went back to school the next morning and ignored everyone. I ignored the cruel comments as if I didn't hear them. I told myself I was an outsider in hostile territory, but I had a goal to achieve, and I poured everything I had into my studies, my grades. I graduated and went on to college in another state.

I'm successful and happy now and have a loving family. I work with disadvantaged kids in my spare time. Life is wonderful. Thank you, Dolly. And thank you, Abby. -- CAROL, A SURVIVOR

DEAR CAROL: Thank you for a letter that I know will give hope to other young people who are the victims of taunting and ridicule. I'm struck by its dual message. The first is about the ability of music to heal suffering. The second is about the ability of the human spirit to rise above suffering and to prevail in the face of difficult odds. I'm sure you are saving lives in the work you are doing with disadvantaged youth. You are a shining example of the success that comes from perseverance.

DEAR ABBY: You were all wet in your advice that the new parents continue to shower together indefinitely. Privacy issues aside, they are leaving their little one unsupervised if they do it when she is awake. Should something happen, they would not hear any warning signs of trouble. -- LUCY IN CHEYENNE, WYO.

DEAR LUCY: You are absolutely right. That didn't occur to me. Thank you for speaking up.

DEAR ABBY: Did the police officer from Toledo ever get promoted to "loo-tenant" after he was locked in the bathroom? -- MIKE IN L.A.

DEAR MIKE: Clever! (I'm flushed with laughter.)

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I just finished the letter from "Wanting to Be a Star," the 12-year-old girl who wants to be famous instead of being a "no one." I felt exactly the same way when I was her age. Living my whole life without making my mark on the world weighed heavily on my mind. My biggest fear was that I would have the same sort of ordinary life my parents had. However, something happened when I was 15 that forever changed my view of the purpose of my life: My father died suddenly of a brain aneurysm.

My parents were regular people. Mom was a housewife who volunteered at our school, in Girl Scouts and church. She also coached my softball team. Dad worked five, sometimes six days a week as a salesman for a company most people never heard of. He volunteered his time helping others, serving on the school board, and always made time for his wife and children.

My parents taught me by example how to trust and be trustworthy, to be kind to strangers and generous to those less fortunate. They worked hard to give us kids an education and a strong work ethic. Because of them I learned that it is more important to be loved by the people you know than adored by the ones you don't. -- KAREN THOMPSON, MARYSVILLE, PENN.

DEAR KAREN: You ARE a star -- a shining example of your parents' unconditional love. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am 16 and have been working on my acting and dancing skills for years. It's finally beginning to pay off. I have some advice for "Wanting to Be a Star":

(1) Don't be intimidated by those with more experience.

(2) Don't expect jobs to come looking for you; work hard and don't give up your dream.

(3) Always have a backup job you can enjoy while waiting for your break.

(4) And always be yourself. It's better to be a real nobody than a fake somebody. You were born an original. Don't become a copy.

Good luck -- and "break a leg!" -- KELLY IN DELAWARE

DEAR KELLY: That's terrific advice, and it applies to every career a person could aspire to -- not just show biz. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I, too, come from humble beginnings, and like "Waiting" I also had dreams.

I enrolled in my first ballet class at 18. I was a "natural" and was chosen to participate in a 10-week program taught by a well-known choreographer. My parents were not pleased. Their philosophy was founded in the post-World War II mentality that men went to work and women were homemakers. In an effort to compromise, I worked full time as a secretary and went to college in the evenings. Because the dance course was held during working house, I had no choice but to decline the opportunity that was offered to me. I was heartbroken.

After 20 years, I am still a secretary. I would like to urge "Waiting" to sit down and make a plan. And she should follow that plan until she reaches her goal -- regardless of what anyone says. Breaking into the entertainment industry may be difficult, but waking up each day to go to a job you hate is even harder. -- REGRETFUL IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR REGRETFUL: While it may be too late for you to have a dance career, it's not too late to volunteer some of your free time to a dance company. Or, if the urge to perform is too strong for that, you may find a creative outlet in folk dancing or square dancing where the accent on youth and agility is less than it is in ballet. Trust me -- you'll have a ball!

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)