DEAR ABBY: Although I have read your column for years and have seen letters from women who have lived with controlling men, I can't remember reading letters about controlling women.

My ex-daughter-in-law, "Rita," could be the queen of mean. When she met my son, "Lee," he was a happy, popular and well-respected man with a good job. She made it plain after the wedding that her career came first and money was very important. She criticized his friends and made it uncomfortable when he would see them. Rita bought all his clothes. If he bought a shirt himself, she would complain. He would put it away just to keep peace.

Rita got an opportunity to move about 1,000 miles away. Since she made more money, Lee transferred and moved. I found out later she had solicited the job and insisted on the move to get him away from "bad influences" -- his friends and family. Rita and my son have a 5-year-old daughter, "Lily."

Visiting them was a nightmare. We had to watch whatever we said. We went to dinner one night at a medium-priced restaurant. When Lee picked up the check, Rita had a temper tantrum, saying they couldn't afford to treat people to meals. (They make more than $100,000 a year between them.)

Our son turned into a silent young man who was starting to drink too much. They had no friends, as Rita didn't like anyone Lee met. Lee liked basketball. Needless to say, she criticized the people he played with. You get the picture.

Last year, Lee walked out. He had had enough. He is staying in the same town because he wants to remain involved in his daughter's life. He is happier now than he has been in years. He has stopped drinking and has made friends who like to do what he does. Lee takes Lily every other weekend and does a lot of baby-sitting when Rita has to work overtime. Rita is a bitter lady who still has no friends.

Abby, please advise your readers that men aren't the only ones who can be controlling. I have seen firsthand what damage a woman can do. -- SEEN IT ALL IN ATLANTA

DEAR SEEN IT ALL: While I have never failed to acknowledge that women can be controlling or abusive, you are correct that more letters appear in my column about abusive men. That may be because men are conditioned not to complain when their feelings are hurt. Or that the abuse women suffer is more physical -- and verbal abuse is easier to hide.

Whichever type of abuse your son suffered, I'm pleased that he is free at last.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for publishing the letter from David S. Boyer, M.D., warning that early detection and treatment of diabetes can prevent eye disease and blindness.

In your response, you advised anyone with a family history of diabetes to have annual physical and eye examinations. While this is a good idea, it does not go far enough.

Half of the 10 million diabetics in the United States are unaware that they have this disease. Many diabetics have no family history. At this time, screening for diabetes is recommended every three years for everyone over the age of 45, regardless of family history -- and earlier and more often for people with specific risk factors such as obesity. -- PATRICK A. MAUER, M.D., LOS ANGELES

DEAR DR. MAUER: Considering the fact that many people are battling weight problems, I hope your letter will remind them that a talk with their physician about diet and exercise may be in order. Both can reduce a person's risk of developing diabetes.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in the hope you can help me figure out what I am feeling in my heart.

About a year ago, I started dating the most wonderful woman -- or so I thought. "Gloria" walked into my life and turned everything upside-down. We were both going through divorces.

When our divorces were final, I stopped having contact with my ex-wife. As my relationship with Gloria progresses, she keeps finding reasons to see her ex-husband. She says it's to keep an eye on what he is doing and to assure that she'll get the large sum of money he agreed to pay in their divorce settlement. Gloria goes on long weekend trips with him, and when I'm working at night, she goes to visit him.

Abby, where does this leave me? I love this woman very much and don't know what to do. -- LOST IN TENNESSEE

DEAR LOST: The divorce may be final, but Gloria's emotional connection to her former husband does not appear to be severed.

She may be terrific, but the woman you have described is not ready for another marriage, or even an exclusive relationship. Accept it, and move on.

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago you printed a letter from a woman who stood at her mother's casket and regretted not telling her mom how much she had meant to her. She urged others not to make the same mistake.

I thought long and hard about her letter. I realized she was right. It took days, but I composed a letter to my father who was dying of prostate cancer. In it, I made reference to happy events in the past, and thanked him for raising me, loving me and staying involved in my life. I sent the letter to my mother and asked her to read it to him. My father called me a few days later. We both cried over the phone. He died a short while later, but he lives forever in my heart.

Abby, please urge readers who are in similar circumstances to do the same. I cannot stress the feeling of peace I have knowing I told my father how much he meant to me -- while he was still alive. -- MAURICE L. TATE, MALDEN, MASS.

DEAR MAURICE: I'm pleased that a letter in my column helped you communicate your love and gratitude to your father before it was too late. I often advise people to write to loved ones and express those sentiments because their letters usually become priceless keepsakes.

DAR ABBY: I am going to ask my girlfriend to marry me. I need your advice on buying an engagement ring. I am opposed to the traditional diamond because of the high cost and low resale value.

Abby, can you recommend an alternative to a diamond? Is a simple gold band still popular? -- COST-CONSCIOUS IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR C.C.: Yes, but gold bands are customarily worn after the wedding. Nowhere is it written that an engagement ring has to be a diamond. (Paul McCartney and Prince Charles both gave their brides-to-be sapphire rings with small diamonds for contrast.)

Ask your girlfriend what her favorite stone is and tell her how you feel about diamonds. You may have more in common than you know.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am in a scary situation and hope you can help. I am 15, and my best friend, "Mary," is also 15. Mary has another very close friend, "Rachel," who goes to a different school. I've met her only a few times.

Although Rachel appeared normal and friendly when I last saw her, Mary confided in me that Rachel has a troubled life. According to Mary, Rachel has a negative attitude, has withdrawn socially, lost a lot of weight and repeatedly mentions suicide. Mary said she has tried to kill herself more than once, but I have no details.

It seems obvious to me that Rachel is depressed and a danger to herself. I discussed this with Mary and asked why Rachel is not receiving help. She said Rachel's parents are unaware of her condition. Mary said she would be uncomfortable telling Rachel's parents because it would destroy their friendship. I don't think Mary understands how important it is to get Rachel help.

Although I am not close to Rachel, I am concerned for her. I can only imagine how devastated Mary would be if she lost a friend to suicide knowing she could have helped. Without angering her, how can I convince Mary that she has to help her friend by telling someone? Or is this none of my business? -- FRIGHTENED FRIEND IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FRIGHTENED FRIEND: Someone must tell Rachel's parents what is going on. If you can't convince Mary to ask her parents to speak to Rachel's mom and dad, your mother should call Mary's parents to express how concerned all of you are over Rachel's welfare. I urge you to act quickly -- and I commend you for caring so much about a troubled friend.

DEAR ABBY: I am sure your column helps a lot of people. I notice that you quite rightly suggest people with problems see a counselor.

However, Abby, the title "counselor" is used by many diversely trained individuals, and it's important to understand the differences.

Psychiatrists are MDs. They are the most expensive of all counselors, the most highly trained and the only ones who can prescribe medication.

Clinical psychologists must have a Ph.D. and be state-licensed.

Social workers must have an undergraduate degree and a master's degree in social work. Many staff members in organizations dedicated to helping others call themselves social workers. Unfortunately, some of them may not even be high school graduates.

In religions, the situation is even worse. There are pastoral counselors who have doctorates in that field. Some of them do more harm than good. They do not know how to listen, they are judgmental, and tell troubled people who come to them that if they don't change their lives they are sinners!

I suggest that anyone who seeks counseling be very careful and check the counselor's credentials. -- FATHER ALEX SEABROOK, ST. BONIFACE EPISCOPAL CHURCH, TINLEY PARK, ILL.

DEAR FATHER SEABROOK: I agree it's important to know the level of expertise of the person who's giving advice, and that's why I advise readers who need counseling to seek a referral from their physician or their local mental health association.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)