DEAR ABBY: I'm writing this because of letters and surveys I have seen that indicate a large percentage of American women lack interest in sex. I hope my experience will help other wives.

My husband has always been a generous and thoughtful lover. However, my lack of interest in sex for more than 10 years caused much sorrow and frustration. Once I told my husband I would give him a divorce if it weren't for our children. He said he never wanted to hear that again -– he loved me and wasn't going anywhere. Though that was incredibly reassuring, my difficulties with sex continued. I sought counseling, but although I realized some of my problem resulted from unwise earlier sexual relationships and issues with my parents, nothing changed for the better. In my bitterness, I could never call sex "making love."

Then one day in passing, I heard the comment, "Sex isn't entertainment."

"Well, what is it then?" I wondered. It came to me that sex then must be about love and giving, cherishing and adoring another person, and the other person also giving, cherishing and adoring in return -– a supreme representation of unconditional love given exclusively between two people. This understanding changed everything.

The next time my husband and I had sex, I thought about how much I cared about him, all the many loving things he did for me, and tried to give myself in cherishing and adoring him. It was an amazing, healing and transcendent experience unlike anything I had experienced. It was making love for the first time.

Energy I never knew I had emerged and I "made love" three more times that weekend with my amazed but grateful husband. I have gone from dreading sex to realizing I would miss it if I lost my husband. Although at times I need to remind myself what I have learned, I feel reborn to my marriage and able to love my husband more deeply –- which is true joy. I am so grateful.

One more observation: Since my new outlook more than a year ago, I truly believe the casual and graphic way sex is portrayed on television and movies cheapens it and encourages an attitude that definitely made my difficulties much worse. The use of sex -- or violence, for that matter -- by the media for ratings or money causes much distorted thinking and needless pain in many people. -– A READER IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR READER: You have written a terrific letter. Somewhere down the line, many people have stopped regarding sex as communication and adopted the idea that it was recreation -– or even sport. What was lost in the translation was intimacy and, in many cases, fidelity.

DEAR ABBY: Many years ago, I dated a man who gave me a family heirloom as a gift. We went our separate ways on very good terms, and he never asked for it back. This gift has always been very special to me because it was made by his grandfather and had been given to his mother. Eventually I married someone else and so did he.

I recently learned that this man has died. I don't know if I should give this heirloom to his widow. Some of my friends say that if he wanted it back he would have asked for it. Others say I should return it to his widow. Your thoughts, please. –- SUSAN IN CHESTERFIELD, VA.

DEAR SUSAN: You seem like a lovely lady. The item was given as a gift and it legally belongs to you. You are under no obligation to return it. However, since you think it might have sentimental value to the widow or their children, it would be a kindness to offer it to them.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: At our Halloween party last year, which included both parents and children, my brother and I somewhat jokingly debated the two presidential candidates. My brother was for Bush. I was for Gore.

Sometime during the evening, my then 11-year-old daughter asked me why her uncle was for Bush and I was for Gore. I explained why I was for Gore and gave her four or five reasons. She asked again why her uncle was for Bush. I told her to go ask him.

During the merriment of the evening, I forgot about the subject until we were on the way home and my daughter asked me how I could think that killing a little baby was OK. I was speechless! I asked her where she had gotten such an idea. She said her uncle had told her that Gore thought it was OK to kill babies, and if I was voting for him, so did I. I tried to explain about a woman's right to choose -- and that I DO think a woman should have that choice, but I was so shocked I hardly knew how to defend myself.

It has been nearly a year now. Ever since that night my daughter has been very distant toward me. I have tried to talk to her about it several times, but she refuses to discuss it.

I'm at my wit's end. My daughter is now 12 and our closeness has been destroyed. I found out her class made Mother's Day cards, but my daughter never gave hers to me. There are no more hugs and kisses at bedtime -- just "good night."

What can I do? I love my daughter with all my heart. I'd give anything to have her the way she was before. -- DESTROYED MOTHER IN DALLAS

DEAR DESTROYED MOTHER: Sit your daughter down and tell her that the subject of a woman's right to choose is a controversial one, and that it is OK if she disagrees with you about it. It's a topic about which everyone has to make up her (or his) own mind. Her uncle thinks the way he does, and you love him in spite of it.

Explain that you are not in favor of killing babies, but that you feel it is important for a woman to have the right to choose. Some women's lives have been saved because they were legally empowered to make that choice. It wasn't always the case.

Tell her that as she grows older, you want her to examine her reasons for feeling the way she does about this subject -- but you also want her to be open to different points of view, because there are more than one, and people have a right to their own opinions. It may not heal the breach your brother has caused, but it's a beginning.

And finally, I urge you to talk to your daughter's uncle about this entire situation. He could help a great deal by reinforcing what you have said -- and he should. He was out of line from the beginning for having given your daughter his inflammatory answer to her question.

DEAR ABBY: I burst into tears at my kitchen table when I read the "Father's Day" poem written by the four Phoenix teen-agers to their single-parent mom. It was called, "To Father on Her Special Day."

Their words made me feel recognized, honored and affirmed. Even though the world often tells me otherwise, raising and loving my two children, who are now 11 and 20, with the help of friends and family, is the most important work in my life.

Abby, I would like to remind your readers that there are also single dads out there doing their best for their kids.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for printing that poem. -- SINGLE MOM STILL ON THE JOURNEY

DEAR MOM: You're welcome. And you're absolutely right -- there ARE many dedicated single fathers who are also "doing their best" for their kids -- with great results.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: You were correct to advise "Survivor in San Francisco" that acquaintance rape must be reported as soon as possible. Drug rapes can be difficult to prove. GHB (a common incapacitating drug) leaves the victim's body in 12 hours without a trace. Filing charges immediately enables police to obtain a search warrant to look for evidence that supports the charges -- such as vials of drugs, or drug residue in a glass.

A friend of mine was drugged and raped last summer. I'll spare you the details, but she had the guts to go immediately to the police. After the rapist was arrested, other victims came forward. No one knows for sure how many victims there are, but it's alleged that he had been drugging and raping for years.

I believe that failure to report such a crime makes one an accomplice. The price of freedom is eternal vigilance; part of one's responsibility as a citizen is to fight for justice. If any of the previous victims had reported their rape, perhaps my friend might not have been raped.

I'd also like to begin a campaign to eliminate from the lexicon the words "date rape" and "acquaintance rape." "Incapacitation rape" is more appropriate. We don't say "date murder" or "acquaintance murder," despite the fact that most murders are committed by someone known to the victim. Let's not supply euphemisms to heinous crimes. Criminals should be reported, tried and punished accordingly if found guilty. -- ANGRY BOYFRIEND IN VERMONT

DEAR ANGRY BOYFRIEND: I agree. It is unfortunate that in cases of sexual assault, many people still tend to blame the victim. And because of that mind-set, many rape victims also blame themselves for what happened to them. Until that attitude changes, and until parents get the message across to their children of both sexes that women have the right to say no to sex, sexual assaults will continue. Victims must find the courage to report these crimes so the predator can be stopped.

DEAR ABBY: Here's a topper for your "can you top this" collection. My wife and I attended a lovely wedding. The groom was a 45-year-old physician; his bride is a 38-year-old professional. It was a first marriage for both, a lavish affair with a reception and formal dinner following the ceremony.

Six weeks later, we received the following e-mail from the newlyweds: "Dear Friends: We're back from our glorious honeymoon romp through the game parks of East Africa, and still basking in the glow of our wedding.

"Tomorrow we're meeting with the catering manager at the hotel where our wedding was held, because we're disputing the liquor bill from the wedding dinner. Their claim works out to seven drinks per person! This is separate from the wine and champagne served during dinner.

"Would you please e-mail us the number and kind of drinks you drank at our wedding? We are meeting at 9 a.m. so we need your response ASAP. Thank you (all) for making our wedding so special."

Abby, my wife and I are aghast at this request. What's your take on this? -- APPALLED IN LEUCADIA, CALIF.

DEAR APPALLED: That bill must have been a sobering reality after an intoxicating honeymoon. Either some guests from another wedding wandered into the doctor's reception, or a horde of free-loaders bellied up to the bar. Whatever the cause, the problem needs investigation.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)