DEAR ABBY: I am a genealogist who is working with my mother on a family history, and we're not sure how to handle a situation that has come up.

A relative, "Mary," had a child, "Jane," out of wedlock. Mary's parents raised Jane as their own, so everyone in the family refers to Jane as Mary's sister, rather than her daughter. My mother knows the truth -- as do other relatives -- but no one acknowledges this publicly. Mom thinks we should put the truth about Jane in our family history. However, I'm afraid if we do, it will upset my grandmother.

As a historian, I think we should print the facts. However, there has already been a great deal of feuding in that part of our family, so I hate to add fuel to the fire.

What's the best way to handle this? -- SKELETON IN THE CLOSET

DEAR SKELETON: The most skillful diplomat in your family should approach your grandmother tactfully and assess her feelings. If she would be hurt or embarrassed by the revelation, perhaps those facts should be kept "private" for another generation. Announcements of this kind can be bombshells with reverberations that echo through the entire family. While it is important to have an accurate family tree, and people are more open-minded today than they were a generation ago, there is no reason to make public at this time a revelation that could further fracture your family.

DEAR ABBY: I have enjoyed the "Pennies From Heaven" letters and thought you might be interested in another one.

Back in the late 1800s, my father was visiting his grandfather who lived in a house that was built rather high off the ground, as houses were back then. My father was playing under the house and found a penny. He was so excited that he ran in the house hollering, "Grand-daddy! Grand-daddy, I found a penny!" His grandfather took the penny, rubbed it on his pant leg, looked at it real close and said, "Lord, son, pennies make dollars," then put the penny in his own pocket. My father said, "I never did like that old man after that." -- JACK V. LYBRAND, COLUMBIA, S.C.

DEAR JACK: While I agree with your great-grandfather that pennies add up to dollars, that's no excuse for stealing from a child. I don't blame your father for feeling as he did.

DEAR ABBY: In response to the letter from a World War II vet who wrote that cigarettes were so cheap in the service, he couldn't afford not to smoke, I say, "Ha!"

I was in Korea as a Marine and never smoked -- no matter how many others were smoking around me. I knew back then it was a filthy habit, thanks to my sixth-grade teacher in Minneapolis, who taught me the definition of a cigarette:

"A little bit of tobacco, rolled up in a little bit of paper, with a little fire at one end and a little fool at the other."

Abby, that little lesson has served me well all my life. -- DICK BAKKEN, SAN DIEGO

DEAR DICK: Your sixth-grade teacher was an exceptionally wise educator. It is possible that the lesson you and your classmates were taught is the reason you are alive today to write this letter.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 17 years. I recently found slips of paper with women's names and telephone numbers among receipts my husband asked me to file. When I asked him who these women were, he claims he doesn't know and I should shut up.

He frequently leaves the house two to four hours at a time. Also, money is missing from our joint bank account.

Abby, he swears he is not cheating. Is he? -- WANTING TO KNOW THE TRUTH IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR WANTING: Only he can answer that. Whether or not the problem is another woman, something is up, and he's certainly not leveling with you. Offer him the option of talking things out with a marriage counselor. If he refuses, talk to a lawyer about protecting yourself before any more assets disappear from your joint account.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "No Name, No Address, No Phone," the 15-year-old living in an abusive home with her dad and stepmother, hit me hard. I could have written that same letter verbatim 20 years ago when I was 15.

My mother, too, gave my father custody of my younger brother and sister and me. Our dad had also remarried. We lived with him and our stepmother. She was fixated on our behavior with regard to household chores, meals and neatness.

Unfortunately, our father thought we were lying when we described the beatings, severe punishments and emotional abuse that increased over the years -- usually when he was absent. Our stepmother was a "yeller." Dad always took her directions and advice. We kids were too scared out of our wits to talk in detail to our natural mother or other relatives, who suspected what was going on but never took action.

It has taken years of therapy to recover from what happened to us. I had to forgive myself for being unable to protect my brother and sister, but I finally became the "fighter" in the house on a long crusade to get my father to wake up. At last he did -- but not until serious damage had been done.

Please urge "No Name" to start talking and KEEP TALKING until someone listens! Her mother and grandmother also have a responsibility to step in without hesitation. They must be asked to act on behalf of her, her brother and sister. She should be specific about what is going on at home, even if she's scared to "tell." She was very brave to write that letter, and that's exactly the kind of courage it takes to get through stuff like this. -- ONCE A "NO-NAME" TOO

DEAR ONCE A NO-NAME: Well said.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have never attended an opera, but we have always wanted to. We finally made plans to attend one this fall, but have no idea what would be considered proper attire.

We will be going to the Portland Opera Theater in Portland, Ore. Should I wear a long sequined gown, while my husband wears a tuxedo? We are clueless and don't want to look silly or out of place. -- OPERA LOVERS

DEAR OPERA LOVERS: Play it safe. Wear a conservative street-length suit or dress. Your husband should wear a suit rather than a tuxedo. While you're there, observe what other patrons are wearing, so you'll know for next time how formally Portland patrons dress for the opera. Enjoy!

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is includedin the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am intrigued by women who find phone numbers in their husband's pockets or wonder why they are out late. My advice: Unless you think you're in danger of losing your husband, leave well enough alone.

I have been a happily married man for more than 25 years. For the last 10 years, I have had a male lover who is also married. Neither of us intends to leave our families. What would my wife gain if she happened to stumble on this? She would destroy her life, my life, our kids' lives, my lover's life, his family's lives -- and nothing would be gained. -- BISEXUAL IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR "BI": While we all know that some marriages are "arrangements," those kinds of relationships should be entered into with everyone's eyes wide open. Secrets of the kind you have described are not healthy for partnerships.

You ask what your wife would gain if she were to learn the truth? She would gain the ability to decide for herself if she wants to spend the rest of her life sharing her husband with another person, rather than having the decision made for her. Whether her answer is yes or no, she would be making an informed choice. She deserves the right to do so.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to thank my father-in-law for all of the lessons he's taught my husband:

Thank you for abandoning your girlfriend and newborn son 28 years ago. It has taught him to be a conscientious father to our children.

Thank you for leaving them in poverty. It taught him to work hard for the things he truly wants.

Thank you for never taking him fishing or hunting. It taught him to spend quality time with our daughters.

Thank you for returning to their lives when he was 17, only to cheat on his mother four years later. It has made our marriage stronger.

Thank you for visiting us three or four times in the past seven years. It taught him to appreciate his mother more.

Finally, thank you for never being a role model. It has taught my husband to be a better man. -- GRATEFUL WIFE IN MINNESOTA

DEAR GRATEFUL WIFE: Although the lessons your father-in-law taught your husband may have been inadvertent, it appears your mate took the negatives of his fragmented relationship with his father and turned them into positives. Your open letter demonstrates the lasting effect of examples we set by our behavior.

DEAR ABBY: My parents do not listen to anything I have to say. They think my problems are not as important as theirs. I try to tell them what's going on in my life, but they don't hear me. Because of this, I no longer tell my parents anything. I tell my best friend and her mother. My friend's mom listens to my problems and helps me handle them -- no matter how small they are.

My parents do not know anything about me. They never will, until they decide to listen to what I have to say.

My advice to all parents is to LISTEN TO YOUR CHILDREN. It's not that hard. Your kids just might have important "secrets" you know nothing about because you didn't take the time to listen. -- A TEEN NEEDING TO TALK IN OHIO

DEAR TEEN: Sociologists and psychologists have interviewed teen-agers about their concerns, and a subject that is mentioned again and again is the fact that some parents are too busy or preoccupied to listen. I have received many letters from other teen-agers that contain the same message as yours. They wants parents who will listen and at least let them explain. Kids desperately need to be understood and to have parents who will stand beside them, not over them.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)