DEAR ABBY: I had to respond to the letter from the writer who didn't think a minister should receive compensation for "saying a few words" at the funeral of a parishioner he has known for 20 years.

If only it were a matter of "saying a few words." My pastor-husband spends many hours with sick and dying members of our congregation. He gets out of bed at any hour of the night to go to their bedsides. He prays with them, holds their hands and offers words of comfort. He is often the liaison between doctors and family. His presence calms heated situations when people are grieving and not at their best. He does all this gladly. This is his calling.

When someone dies, my husband meets with the family, talks with the funeral director, arranges music, organizes a luncheon, prepares a service, prints a funeral bulletin and handles many other details, which can often take two or three days. This frees the family to grieve.

Families may give a monetary gift to the pastor out of gratitude for his dedication to their loved one and appreciation for his time. But if the gift cannot be given with a grateful heart, please do not give. My husband's payment is reserved for him in heaven. -- PENNSYLVANIA PASTOR'S WIFE

DEAR WIFE: When I said that clergypersons and musicians should be compensated for their professional services, I mixed apples and oranges. Many people (in and out of the clergy) wrote to point out that clergy are paid salaries and provided housing, etc., and funerals and weddings are considered part of their normal duties if they're for church members.

However, many grateful parishioners offer gratuities to the clergy in addition. These are gratefully accepted -- and are often added to the church's general or building funds.

Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Unfortunately, I was not surprised at the content of the letter from "No Price on Friendship," concerning paying the singer at a funeral.

I am a professional musician with a master's degree in music. I'm paid to play for weddings, funerals, parties, grand openings, etc. My education, like any other, took a lot of time, effort and money, and I should be paid for my services. Fortunately, I don't have to earn a living at my profession because I'm married to a successful man. However, I have friends who have no other income than from professional appearances and private teaching.

My string quartet was once asked to play for three hours at a pig roast. The hostess offered us dinner as compensation. Needless to say, we declined the job. We do, however, frequently offer free performances at nursing homes and schools for children with disabilities.

Some people just don't "get it." Please, Abby, let your readers know that everyone -- even musicians -- needs to make a living and should be paid for his or her efforts. -- TIRED OF EXPLAINING IN MICHIGAN

DEAR TIRED: You have stated it very well. They don't need another chorus from me.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Over the years, I have seen letters about dogs and cats needing emergency veterinary care. Preventable accidents are the No. 1 cause of death and disability for our canine and feline companions. Most of the time, pet owners say they were unaware that the plant their pet ate was poisonous, or they didn't recognize the early symptoms of their pet's illness. Being informed and prepared is the key to having healthy, happy, furry family members.

The American Animal Hospital Association estimates that one out of four pets could be saved if just ONE basic pet first-aid technique was applied prior to getting veterinary care.

I would like to offer your legion of pet-loving readers a pet preparedness guide titled "Knowing Your Pet's Health." It's a 20-page booklet that includes pet emergency preparedness advice, how to assess your pet's health, a health chart, a list of common plant and household pet poisons, a snout-to-tail assessment with worksheet, and suggestions for finding the best pet insurance.

Thank you, Abby, for your many years of providing helpful and accurate information to conscientious pet owners. -- THOM SOMES, PRESIDENT, PET TECH INC.

DEAR THOM: Because pet first-aid classes are not available everywhere, I'm sure your booklet will save the lives of companion animals that might not otherwise survive. I commend you for providing such a readable and easy-to-understand guide for pet owners.

Readers: To order a copy of "Knowing Your Pet's Health," send a check or money order for $3.50 to: Pet Preparedness Guide, c/o Pet Tech Inc., 5800 Severin Drive, La Mesa, Calif. 91942. The pet you save could be your own.

DEAR ABBY: For the past year, I have been seeing a 35-year-old widow and mother of three small children. About every five weeks and every holiday, her 24-year-old brother-in-law, "Mark," will call her and spend the night with her and the kids. If we have plans, they are canceled to accommodate Mark. Also, when Mark is visiting, I am told that it would be "inappropriate" for me to be there or call her.

After a year of this, I finally told my girlfriend I was uncomfortable with this arrangement, and if Mark wants to see her and the kids, that's fine -- but he should go home at night. My girlfriend became irate.

The next day at a family gathering, she asked, almost begged, Mark to stay the night with her and the kids. She did it three times in front of me. The last time was as Mark was leaving. She then turned to me and told me to leave. She said that Mark is family and welcome to stay with her any time. (I thought I was family, too.)

What do you think? If there is to be a future in this relationship, we need your opinion. -- THREE'S A CROWD IN WISCONSIN

DEAR THREE'S A CROWD: If the relationship with her brother-in-law was strictly platonic, she wouldn't insist that you be absent and not call when he is visiting. Wise up and move on. She has made her choice -- and you're not it.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: The letter from the man who can't stay out of strip clubs reminded me of my husband. He goes two, three, sometimes four times a week. For a long time he tried to hide it. Now he goes openly. He says he won't change, and if I don't like it -- too bad.

Well, I don't like it. He says it's harmless -- that all his friends are there, and none of the other wives mind. (I doubt that.) I have long suspected he had a problem. After reading that letter, I know he has one.

I can understand going to a strip club once in a while as a lark, but why should a man almost 50 years old need to go several times a week to watch topless dancers young enough to be his daughters? I'm not straitlaced, but frankly, I am sick over this. He claims not to have a problem. Why do men do this? -- HURT AND HEARTSICK IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR HURT AND HEARTSICK: The strip clubs of the new millennium are not your grandfather's (or my grandfather's!) strip clubs. They have added a new wrinkle -- audience interaction in the form of "lap dances" and sometimes more. Men who visit strip clubs "two, three and four times a week" DO have a problem. They're hooked.

Why do they do it? Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Please urge "Hooked in Portland" to RUN to those Sexaholics Anonymous meetings before it's too late.

For 17 years, my husband has frequented strip clubs (including the lap dances), massage parlors, porn sites, and has been having phone sex with prostitutes in other countries. He has cashed in all his stocks and wasted more than $70,000. He told me he was going out of town on "business" and took a hooker to Asia for an exotic vacation at a five-star hotel. He buys expensive jewelry for these women, and on one trip to a strip club, withdrew more than $1,800 from the ATM.

When I protested, he told me I was a lesbian (which was news to me) and that it was all my fault, because I "made him" do all his illicit acts.

I think men go to strip clubs to watch women degrade themselves. Deep down, they really hate women. Their addiction is more important than the fact they can get herpes and AIDS. I'll never understand why these men cannot control themselves. -- SEEN ONE, SEEN 'EM ALL

DEAR SEEN ONE: There is no "one reason" why men -- and women -- become caught up in sexual addiction. However, the next letter may offer some insight:

DEAR ABBY: You advised "Hooked in Portland" to contact Sexaholics Anonymous. It's a fine organization, but he'll still have to lie to his wife if he doesn't want to admit he's attending their weekly meetings.

I, too, was addicted to strip clubs and porn videos, and I have the following advice for "Hooked": Find a psychologist who is experienced in the treatment of addictions, anxiety and depression. He can tell his wife that he's stressed out and wants to see a professional before his work, home life, etc., begin to suffer.

With counseling I realized I was "tranquilizing" myself with pornography to escape anxiety and depression (insomnia, irritability, etc.) but not before severely damaging my marriage. Thank God I have an amazing wife who stood by me. Our marriage is now stronger than ever.

I applaud "Hooked" for seeking help. If he eventually decides to tell his wife the whole story, I suspect she'll be impressed by his efforts, too. -- BETTER THAN EVER IN TENNESSEE

DEAR BETTER THAN EVER: Congratulations on your recovery, for recognizing you had a problem and dealing with it. I hope others who are caught in sexual addiction will recognize themselves in your letter and know they are not alone and that help is available.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)