DEAR ABBY: Please urge "Wants Freedom From the Apron Strings," the 34-year-old woman who lives with her controlling parents, to run -- not walk -- to get her own apartment. It is the only way she will ever have a life of her own.

Forty years ago, I, too, wanted my freedom from my mother's apron strings. I was 18 and had dated "Tom" for three years. After our high school graduation, Tom invited me to visit him in Tennessee where he was working. I had always been intimidated by my mother. She told me I couldn't go unless I took someone with me. I told Tom what she had said, and he replied, "If I wanted to date the baby sitter, I would invite the baby sitter." I never made it to Tennessee.

Abby, Tom treated me with respect and was always good to me. I knew he loved me. I loved him, and I felt we could have a bright future together.

Every day of my life I regret I did not stand up to my mother. I have loved Tom for 40 years and will never get over him. He is long married, but in my heart he will always be mine. I have seen him from time to time over the years, and I still feel the same way.

Twenty years ago, I was diagnosed with depression. The doctor advised me that if I did not leave my mother's house I would have a nervous breakdown. I finally got an apartment of my own. I still live in the same town. My relationship with my mother is full of resentment, even after all these years. I'm afraid I will always be ... CONTROLLED AND TRAPPED

DEAR CONTROLLED AND TRAPPED: I'm sorry you didn't write to me decades ago, because my advice would have been the same. You have many good years ahead of you. Counseling may help you to let go of the resentment you feel for your mother, while helping you to avoid feeling trapped. Only then will you really be free to be your own person.

DEAR ABBY: I thought you might enjoy a true story about grandparents as role models. It honors the unsung heroes in our lives:

As a boy, I grew up on Grandfather Herb's farm. He also worked as a school bus driver. In my eyes, his wisdom was boundless.

After years of listening to my grandfather's stories, it seemed logical to ask his opinion about my career choice. I had become a teacher in an inner-city school and was doubting my "calling" to teach difficult students.

Grandpa Herb told me to look at my hands. "See," he said, "there are 10 fingers. They are all different and useful. But you don't remember the nine good fingers when you have a sore thumb!"

His "sore thumb" analogy helped me to see past problems and focus on the nine "good fingers" in my classroom. I've been teaching for more than 20 years now, and I thank heaven for my wise grandfather who taught me to focus on what's really important. –- ISADORE "IZZY" SORCE, GREENFIELD, WIS.

P.S. Grandpa Herb is now 95!

DEAR IZZY: Only 95? Thumbs up for Grandfather Herb. He's wise beyond his years.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: We have a large, supportive extended family consisting of aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. In the tradition of our Southern ancestors, we are forever attending family gatherings. In my generation, 12 cousins are especially close. We are now in our 60s.

In 1952 our cousin "Velma" became pregnant. We all pretended we didn't know. Her mother sent her to a home for unwed mothers 200 miles away. The baby was put up for adoption. The alibi for her absence was that she went on an extended tour of the great cities of Europe. We all pretended to believe it, to help her save face.

After about six months, Velma returned home and we welcomed her back. We thought she'd get on with her life. None of us brought up the subject of Europe because we didn't want to embarrass her. However, she began telling us how tall Big Ben is in London, how they erected the Eiffel Tower in Paris, how masculine Michelangelo's "David" is in Florence, and the circumference of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. We would try to change the subject, to no avail. Through the years her stories have progressed to the point of being all-consuming. Every conversation is filled with her fantasies about the great cities of Europe.

Abby, the family is tired of her monopolizing every conversation with her imaginary trip. Our "Aunt Iris," age 93, is getting hard to control. She says she has heard this lie for 49 years and she does not intend to spend the time she has left listening to "bull."

None of us wants a family blow-up, but we are all tired of the subject. Please advise. -- HAD IT IN DIXIE

DEAR HAD IT: When Cousin Velma was sent away, an "out of wedlock" pregnancy was regarded as a disgrace. One can hardly blame her for inventing a cover story. However, having pretended for nearly half a century that she took the Grand Tour, she may no longer be able to distinguish between fact and fantasy.

I see nothing to be gained at this late date by informing Cousin Velma that you have known the truth all along. Continue to let her save face. If Aunt Iris can't do that, she should strictly limit her time with Cousin Velma.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the mother of four married children who was "Appalled in Pennsylvania" when her nephew's future mother-in-law informed her that only one couple could be invited to the wedding. You replied correctly (I'm sure) that she was merely being honest enough to admit they were on a tight budget and left it up to "Appalled" to decide who would represent their family at the wedding.

The mother of the bride should have handled the problem like my mother-in-law. She simply included in her daughter's invitations: "Kids, nobody has any money to spare. I will reserve the pavilion in the park. It will be a potluck celebration. Please coordinate with me what you would like to bring."

Abby, everyone who was invited showed up bringing salads, entrees and desserts. It was one of the most enjoyable wedding receptions I ever attended. -- NO MONEY? NO PROBLEM!

DEAR NO MONEY?: I'm sure it was. When people "take ownership" and contribute to an event, it usually is very successful.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My family is absolutely out of their minds. I mean it. They're all high-strung with very short tempers. Our dinner table is a battlefield. Everybody is always yelling and screaming at each other, and then the next minute they're sobbing and apologizing like crazy.

My little brother, "Shawn," is in fourth grade and has a real attitude problem. He talks back to Mom and Dad and can be really insulting. When Shawn acts up, my parents totally lose it. They yell at him like there's no tomorrow.

Shawn is smart -- he can cry on cue. When that happens, my parents fall all over themselves apologizing for having upset him. They tell him in calm voices exactly why they got mad and why he was out of line. After that, they ask if he'd like to say "sorry" or "please" more nicely next time. Well, he never wants to, and this gets everyone all fired up again.

After my mom blew a fuse a few days ago, I made the big mistake of telling some of my friends what happened. I've always joked about my family being "crazy," but nobody ever believed me because my family acts nice around guests.

Anyway, all of a sudden my friends are overreacting to stuff I've been saying. One girl said that what my mom does could be considered "verbal abuse." Another friend actually suggested that we see a family guidance counselor.

Abby, even though the fighting at our house gets on my nerves, we all love each other to death. It's not like my parents have ever hit Shawn or me. We just fight. OK? I'm used to it. Are my friends being stupid or what? -- SIXTH-GRADER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SIXTH-GRADER: Your friends may be right on target. They're trying to tell you nicely that what's going on in your home is not what goes on in theirs. There seems to be a lot of volatility in your household.

Family counseling could provide your parents with more effective tools to handle their frustration than a non-ending cycle of exploding and trying to make amends, which clearly isn't working with your brother. It could also help you to gain insight about acceptable boundaries of behavior. Please clip this and show it to your mother and father.

DEAR ABBY: May I add one more fact about the custom of placing stones on graves? It is not uniquely Jewish. From time immemorial, it has been done in Ireland, mainly on the graves of heroes or other important individuals.

Some of these "cairns," as they are known, have become massive. Probably the best known -- and possibly the largest -- is Shane O'Neill's cairn on the Antrim coast. Shane was one of the most flamboyant of the old Irish chieftains, and is credited with having invalidated the claim of England's Elizabeth I to have been "the Virgin Queen."

Interesting? -- JOSEPH MCEVOY, SAN CLEMENTE, CALIF.

DEAR JOSEPH: Very -- as a reminder that what some royals have done in the past is no different than what they're doing today.

And people say that history is a "dry" subject. Ha! (If history is dull, perhaps we need to hire some new writers.)

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)