DEAR ABBY: We have a large, supportive extended family consisting of aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. In the tradition of our Southern ancestors, we are forever attending family gatherings. In my generation, 12 cousins are especially close. We are now in our 60s.

In 1952 our cousin "Velma" became pregnant. We all pretended we didn't know. Her mother sent her to a home for unwed mothers 200 miles away. The baby was put up for adoption. The alibi for her absence was that she went on an extended tour of the great cities of Europe. We all pretended to believe it, to help her save face.

After about six months, Velma returned home and we welcomed her back. We thought she'd get on with her life. None of us brought up the subject of Europe because we didn't want to embarrass her. However, she began telling us how tall Big Ben is in London, how they erected the Eiffel Tower in Paris, how masculine Michelangelo's "David" is in Florence, and the circumference of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. We would try to change the subject, to no avail. Through the years her stories have progressed to the point of being all-consuming. Every conversation is filled with her fantasies about the great cities of Europe.

Abby, the family is tired of her monopolizing every conversation with her imaginary trip. Our "Aunt Iris," age 93, is getting hard to control. She says she has heard this lie for 49 years and she does not intend to spend the time she has left listening to "bull."

None of us wants a family blow-up, but we are all tired of the subject. Please advise. -- HAD IT IN DIXIE

DEAR HAD IT: When Cousin Velma was sent away, an "out of wedlock" pregnancy was regarded as a disgrace. One can hardly blame her for inventing a cover story. However, having pretended for nearly half a century that she took the Grand Tour, she may no longer be able to distinguish between fact and fantasy.

I see nothing to be gained at this late date by informing Cousin Velma that you have known the truth all along. Continue to let her save face. If Aunt Iris can't do that, she should strictly limit her time with Cousin Velma.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the mother of four married children who was "Appalled in Pennsylvania" when her nephew's future mother-in-law informed her that only one couple could be invited to the wedding. You replied correctly (I'm sure) that she was merely being honest enough to admit they were on a tight budget and left it up to "Appalled" to decide who would represent their family at the wedding.

The mother of the bride should have handled the problem like my mother-in-law. She simply included in her daughter's invitations: "Kids, nobody has any money to spare. I will reserve the pavilion in the park. It will be a potluck celebration. Please coordinate with me what you would like to bring."

Abby, everyone who was invited showed up bringing salads, entrees and desserts. It was one of the most enjoyable wedding receptions I ever attended. -- NO MONEY? NO PROBLEM!

DEAR NO MONEY?: I'm sure it was. When people "take ownership" and contribute to an event, it usually is very successful.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My family is absolutely out of their minds. I mean it. They're all high-strung with very short tempers. Our dinner table is a battlefield. Everybody is always yelling and screaming at each other, and then the next minute they're sobbing and apologizing like crazy.

My little brother, "Shawn," is in fourth grade and has a real attitude problem. He talks back to Mom and Dad and can be really insulting. When Shawn acts up, my parents totally lose it. They yell at him like there's no tomorrow.

Shawn is smart -- he can cry on cue. When that happens, my parents fall all over themselves apologizing for having upset him. They tell him in calm voices exactly why they got mad and why he was out of line. After that, they ask if he'd like to say "sorry" or "please" more nicely next time. Well, he never wants to, and this gets everyone all fired up again.

After my mom blew a fuse a few days ago, I made the big mistake of telling some of my friends what happened. I've always joked about my family being "crazy," but nobody ever believed me because my family acts nice around guests.

Anyway, all of a sudden my friends are overreacting to stuff I've been saying. One girl said that what my mom does could be considered "verbal abuse." Another friend actually suggested that we see a family guidance counselor.

Abby, even though the fighting at our house gets on my nerves, we all love each other to death. It's not like my parents have ever hit Shawn or me. We just fight. OK? I'm used to it. Are my friends being stupid or what? -- SIXTH-GRADER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SIXTH-GRADER: Your friends may be right on target. They're trying to tell you nicely that what's going on in your home is not what goes on in theirs. There seems to be a lot of volatility in your household.

Family counseling could provide your parents with more effective tools to handle their frustration than a non-ending cycle of exploding and trying to make amends, which clearly isn't working with your brother. It could also help you to gain insight about acceptable boundaries of behavior. Please clip this and show it to your mother and father.

DEAR ABBY: May I add one more fact about the custom of placing stones on graves? It is not uniquely Jewish. From time immemorial, it has been done in Ireland, mainly on the graves of heroes or other important individuals.

Some of these "cairns," as they are known, have become massive. Probably the best known -- and possibly the largest -- is Shane O'Neill's cairn on the Antrim coast. Shane was one of the most flamboyant of the old Irish chieftains, and is credited with having invalidated the claim of England's Elizabeth I to have been "the Virgin Queen."

Interesting? -- JOSEPH MCEVOY, SAN CLEMENTE, CALIF.

DEAR JOSEPH: Very -- as a reminder that what some royals have done in the past is no different than what they're doing today.

And people say that history is a "dry" subject. Ha! (If history is dull, perhaps we need to hire some new writers.)

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: What is this world coming to? I live in an affluent suburb of Boston, and commute by subway to my job in the city. This morning I boarded a full train and took the last empty seat. Just as the doors were closing, a blind woman and her guide dog got on. I waited about 10 seconds (count it, Abby -– it's a long time). No one offered the woman a seat, so I gave her mine. She graciously accepted.

What the woman couldn't see -– but everyone else on the train could –- is that I am eight months pregnant. For the next half-hour, I stood with aching back and swollen ankles, jerking and swaying with every movement of the train, while college kids and well-dressed executive types in their 30s watched, sipped their coffee, read the sports section and offered zilch.

A pregnant woman gives up her seat on the train to a blind woman, while everyone else sits contentedly? If their mothers only knew! Sign me ... ONE MONTH TO GO IN HINGHAM, MASS.

DEAR ONE MONTH TO GO: If their mothers only knew? Dear lady, if their mothers had taken the time to teach them manners and empathy for others, someone in the passenger car would have given you a seat.

If any of your fellow passengers were young women -– what goes around comes around. As to the men -– it shows that living in wealthy suburbs doesn't guarantee that the residents have class.

DEAR ABBY: I am currently in my fourth month of survival following a fight with cancer.

When I was first diagnosed, I consulted an oncologist recommended by my general practitioner. Even though the doctor was obviously not busy, I was kept waiting in a dark, quiet, depressing room. When he finally did see me, he hadn't reviewed my file. He didn't call me by my first name or know my test results. He made me feel unimportant. I didn't go back.

A second oncologist was recommended. The difference was night and day. This doctor performed all the tests himself. He answered every question my wife and I had. When he was satisfied that all the questions were answered, he asked what I wanted from him. I said, "Save my life." He immediately put me on chemotherapy.

During the next five months, when I visited his office, his staff knew me by name, greeted me with a smile, and were emotionally supportive. The nurses administering the chemo were upbeat, encouraging and made me feel they cared about me.

Being surrounded by positive energy was extremely important to my recovery. Attitude is a vital element in the recovery process.

Bless the doctors, nurses and staff who helped me. They realized I was a person, and more than a printout of lab results. –- A CANCER SURVIVOR, NORTH HILL, CALIF.

DEAR SURVIVOR: I'm pleased that your cancer treatment was successful. You were wise to switch oncologists after that first consultation. Not all physicians have a good bedside manner, but if they don't, the smart ones hire support staff that can create an atmosphere that's warm, personal and reassuring to patients.

Medicine is not only a profession, but it is also a business. And people in business must be sensitive to customer relations if they're going to be successful.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)