DEAR ABBY: My lover, "Jim," and I are gay and have been together for more than 10 years. Jim is deeply involved with Republican politics. He belongs to several local and state-wide Republican organizations.

When Jim and I go out together, sometimes people approach Jim and say, "Hi." They are usually acquaintances he knows from his political activities. Although I stand right next to Jim, he never introduces me. When this first started happening, I would stand there and smile at the person. They'd usually give me a "Why are you listening to a private conversation?" look, so I would step aside and pretend to be doing something else.

Jim's excuse is always the same: "I would have introduced you, but I forgot (his or her) name."

This evening was the last straw. A woman came up to Jim while we were shopping. They started to chat and I was ignored again. I was so hurt and angry I walked out of the store and sat in the car. When Jim came outside he gave me the same "I forgot her name" excuse. Jim could see I was angry, so he changed his story and I caught him in a lie. Then he said he intended to introduce me, but I'd left the store before he had a chance. During the drive home, he told me several times that he really does love me.

Abby, Jim may love me, but I don't think he respects me. I'm seriously considering ending our relationship. Do you think I'm being too sensitive? -- "JULES" IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR JULES: You are not too sensitive; you may have been too tolerant. Your love is afraid he will lose his status among his political cronies by admitting that you are a couple, so he's being dishonest -- with them, with you and himself. How sad for all concerned.

DEAR ABBY: I am an athletic 71-year-old lady. I golf, snow ski and scuba dive. My new husband (No. 4), "Geoffrey," is involved in all those sports. When I met him 14 years ago I decided to take up these activities because I didn't want to sit at home while he played.

Geoff retired last year after 50 years as a physician in family practice. We immediately sold our home and moved to the beach. We have always enjoyed a loving relationship and since his retirement have been inseparable -- until I had surgery on my elbow for a problem caused by playing too much golf, which is Geoff's passion.

While my elbow is healing, I'm out of commission, so Geoff joined a private course. He chooses to play with other women, as that is how most tournaments are set up. Geoff is turning 81 this year, but looks and acts much younger. Abby, he's a big flirt, and talks to women constantly.

I am very depressed about not playing right alongside him, and I'm beginning to feel completely excluded. How should I handle this? Do I let him do as he wishes? (By the way, he's also been married four times.) Thanks for any guidance you can give me. -- ON THE SIDELINES IN VERO BEACH, FLA.

DEAR ON THE SIDELINES: Don't try to curtail your husband's activities because you are unable to participate. Become his biggest fan -- sit in his golf cart or in the gallery and cheer him on as he swings with the ladies! He'll love the attention, and it may make it more difficult for the women to score.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Why do men and women of the clergy expect to be paid for performing wedding and funeral services for members of their churches? My mother informed me today that the preacher at my grandmother's funeral will be paid $100, and the man who sings will receive the same.

Both of these men had known my grandmother for 20 years. Neither one will be inconvenienced in the least to attend her funeral.

I thought being a church member entitled one to at least a few kind words said about them without the family having to scrape up more money. I would never dream of charging for saying a few words about someone I claim to have known and loved. It would be an honor and a privilege to deliver a eulogy at the funeral.

What do you think? -- NO PRICE ON FRIENDSHIP

DEAR NO PRICE: I agree it is both an honor and a privilege to be asked to participate. However, when the clergyperson or musicians render professional services, they should be compensated.

That said, nowhere is it carved in stone that a clergyperson must officiate. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law died after an excruciating nine-year illness. It left my husband emotionally exhausted. He had always planned for his uncle to officiate at her funeral. Unfortunately, the uncle preceded her in death. We felt strongly about not wanting a stranger to perform the service.

I'll never fully understand why I offered to conduct my mother-in-law's funeral myself -- but I did. I have no professional background as a public speaker or a minister.

When I told our daughter, she fully supported my decision and asked to help. We had little time for planning, but on the plane from her home in Washington to Florida, she jotted down ideas for a division of responsibilities, including music.

Our ideas paralleled amazingly in a situation neither of us was personally prepared for. We were apprehensive about what the more conservative family members would think, as well as our emotional ability to perform this function. We were determined to do what would please and comfort our husband and father most.

To our great relief, our efforts were fully supported by all who came. To know her cherished granddaughter and other relatives participated in her unique and personal service would have pleased Grandma beyond words.

Abby, I've learned we are limited only by our perception of our abilities. -- A FLORIDA FAMILY

DEAR FLORIDA FAMILY: How true. I hope your letter will inspire others to follow their hearts.

DEAR ABBY: A reader who signed herself "Mom's Daughter, Rockwell, Texas" agreed with your response that when it comes to funeral attire, it's not about what people wear; it's what's in their hearts that counts.

Her letter made me recall these words from "The Little Prince," by the late Antoine de Saint-Exupery: "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." -- ARTHUR M. PRINCE, Ph.D., MEMPHIS, TENN.

DEAR ARTHUR: He was right. That's one of the reasons why "The Little Prince" is a little classic.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My 20-year-old daughter, "Justine," has gotten pregnant. She is not married and lives with her boyfriend, his mother and brother. I did not raise her this way.

My problem is she asked me how many baby showers I plan to give her. I told her none. She asked me why. I told her it is not appropriate to give a baby shower "under the circumstances." The few choice words she had for me were so bad I hung up on her.

Abby, her boyfriend doesn't work, and half the time neither does Justine. I was so angry I forgot to tell her that her father and I would make sure she and her baby had what they needed. Should I try to make amends and give her a baby shower? -- GRANDMA-TO-BE IN ALABAMA

DEAR GRANDMA-TO-BE: First, it is improper for a mother to give a shower for her married or unmarried daughter. It should be hosted by a friend, an aunt or a cousin.

Second, whether you approve or not, the baby is a fact of life. So accept it, and try to be a little less judgmental. Your daughter and grandchild will need your support emotionally, and probably financially.

Third, your husband should have a heart-to-heart talk with the young man. He must be told what is expected of him as a man, breadwinner and father-to-be because it appears he hasn't a clue.

DEAR ABBY: I hold strong beliefs about historic preservation and zero population growth. You could call me an activist. I am generally against any sort of land development. However, I recognize and respect that others -- including my longtime boyfriend, "Brian" -- do not share my beliefs.

We recently attended a small dinner party. A young couple we had just met were enthusiastically discussing their purchase of an undeveloped plot of land in one of our city's oldest neighborhoods. They are planning to build a new home.

I smiled and said nothing. Brian, however, volunteered the fact that I believe it's unethical to develop virgin land, and that people who have the means to do it should restore old homes instead.

While I tried to demur, everyone at the table insisted I explain myself. I was mad at my boyfriend, and later told him he was rude to the couple for putting a damper on their happiness -- and to me, for forcing me to assume an adversarial position with people I barely knew. Brian says we're all mature adults and we should be able to have an engaging discussion about such topics without hurt feelings or anger. What do you say, Abby? Sign me ... TOO SENSITIVE(?)

DEAR (NOT) TOO SENSITIVE: Your boyfriend may have been bored and wanted some more lively conversation, but it's no excuse for putting you on the spot. Had you wanted to air your beliefs, you would have done so. He had no right to speak for you.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I are considering living on a sailboat together. He is my true love. We're not yet married, but perhaps we will be in the near future. We get along really great, but I am not confident that living together would be a good idea. Our parents would hate us. What should I do? -- MOTION IN THE OCEAN

DEAR MOTION: Listen to your intuition. Keep your feet firmly planted on dry ground, or else you could find yourself not only in over your head, but up a creek without a paddle.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)