DEAR ABBY: I must respond to the letter from "Tacoma Mom," who complained that her ex-husband didn't want to take their 6-year-old to his swimming lesson during his regularly scheduled Wednesday night visit.

I, too, am a divorced mother who is happily remarried. Unlike "Tacoma Mom," I do not wish to control every moment of my daughter's time with her father. Watching the children participate in a sport does not allow the quality time divorced parents should have.

Everyone talks about the importance of a father's role in a child's life. Does that apply only if he follows the schedule given to him by the mother? I am sure that when the family was intact, "Tacoma Mom" didn't tell the father how to spend his time with his son.

After a divorce, people are consumed by hurt and anger. Children are too often caught in the middle and used as a way of "getting back" at each other.

While I agree that the Tacoma father should be involved in the child's activities, divorced fathers need time with their children on their terms, not ours. This is what creates a bond between fathers and their children.

My daughter and I enjoy a close and loving relationship; I believe her father is entitled to one, too. She and her father do things that I don't do -- fish, camp, work on cars. She has two very different and fulfilling lives. That is what keeps her well-adjusted. Her father and I have developed a healthy relationship where our daughter is concerned. We always keep HER best interests in mind.

Abby, shouldn't a mother consult the father before signing up the children for activities that interfere with his time? They are his children, too. Or is this just a power struggle of a bitter woman? -- A MA IN PA.

DEAR MA: I commend you and your ex-husband for putting your daughter's best interests first.

I have received stacks of letters regarding "Tacoma Mom." Most readers felt that there should be a compromise. They suggested that Dad should have an additional day of visitation with an activity that he has planned -- or just some alone time. More compromise and less "control" would be a healthy solution.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend asked me who I liked. I told her, trusting that she wouldn't tell anyone. Her response was, "Eew! You like him?!"

The next day she got one of our other friends to get the guy I like to ask her out. The worst part is she doesn't even like this guy and she's moving away. What should I do? Help! -- MAD IN LEESBURG, VA.

DEAR MAD: The first thing you should do is recognize that your "best friend" can't keep a secret, and is a troublemaker on top of it. Do not confide in her again.

And second, don't give up hope. Your rival is moving away, and the field will soon be open for you again.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is having her marriage blessed next week. After the blessing, she is to have a dinner party for about 50 people. Most of them were at her wedding, which took place five years ago.

I am unsure about giving gifts. Should we bring a gift, and if so, what kind of gift should it be? Thank you. -- PUZZLED IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR PUZZLED: Give her a token gift for the happy occasion -- a lovely picture frame, a candy dish or a crystal jam jar.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Over the years, you have recommended to readers that they clip one of your columns and show it to a particular person who may need to be made aware of some character flaw.

May I ask that you recommend to your readers that they not send these columns anonymously?

A dear friend of mine received a column of yours by mail with no return address or postmark. My friend was very hurt because she didn't feel the column applied to her -- and after having read it, I agree with her.

After receiving that column, she has missed at least one social event because she was afraid of offending someone. It is very sad.

I understand that in some circumstances, someone might think an anonymous note is in order, but I urge your readers to stop and think before sending one. The recipient is placed in the awkward position of knowing that someone she knows is annoyed with her, but doesn't know who. -- SCARLETT IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR SCARLETT: When I tell people to "clip this column and share it" with someone, what I have in mind is a face-to-face conversation -- using the column as a tactful way of showing that the breach of etiquette is common. For someone to send it anonymously is cowardly, unkind and cruel. For shame.

DEAR ABBY: I got chills when I read the letter from Dave Brown about how he found a brand-new 2001 penny in his car.

That very day I, too, found a brand-new shiny 2001 penny in my truck. I thought of my dad the instant I saw it. He has been gone more than 12 years. I still have it; I carry it in my wallet. -- B.D., ORANGE, CALIF.

DEAR B.D.: I'm glad the discovery of a penny makes "cents" to you. Since you find it comforting -- that's terrific. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I loved the stories about the pennies from heaven. To my chagrin, my late husband would pick up any and all loose change he found on the ground, proclaiming himself to someday be rich because of what others threw away. Even if it was just one penny he would stop, bend over and pick it up. He has been gone just over a year, and whenever I saw a coin on the ground I would think of him and be a bit sad.

No more! After reading your interpretation of what these coins could mean, I smile each and every time I see a shiny penny. Thank you, Abby, for taking a sad memory and turning it into a happy one. -- RICHER BECAUSE OF PENNIES FROM HEAVEN

DEAR RICHER: You're welcome. The "pennies from heaven" letters were a subject that many people have taken to heart and commented upon. I catch myself singing "... and if it keeps on thundering, don't run under a tree, there'll be pennies from heaven for you and for me" in the mornings when I'm taking my shower. (The acoustics are great in there.) Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Recent letters in your column about the symbolism of finding pennies prompt my own.

I am 74 years old. Every time I see a penny on the ground I bend down to pick it up and say to myself, "99 more bends and I'll have a buck!" -- OL' MAN TOM IN LONG ISLAND, N.Y.

DEAR OL' MAN TOM: You are indeed penny-wise. However, if you crouch down to pick up a dollar's worth of pennies, you won't have to spend them on medication to relieve the pain in your lower back you'll get from bending.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 ($9 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Last year, our family went through the most traumatic experience of our lives: We left the church we'd been attending for more than a decade.

I always suspected our church was a little "unusual," but because I saw what appeared to be positive changes in people's lives, I kept telling myself we couldn't possibly be involved in a "cult."

My family and I were led to believe we were members of a "special" group -- that we had a "different" calling than other churches, which was why we had to work harder and sacrifice more than the average Christian. We were ordered to terminate any activity or relationship that pulled us away from our church obligations or planted seeds of doubt in our minds.

Finally, things got so weird my husband and I could ignore it no longer. We informed the pastor we would not be coming back. He said if we did, we would become "shipwrecked" -- doomed to divorce, and our kids would not serve God when they grew up. Then two church leaders called to beg us not to "leave the fold."

By the grace of God, we escaped. I suffered nightmares, depression and total mistrust of any other church for a long time after that. We, who were once part of the trusted few, the "elite inner circle," were now the enemy. We lost all our friends. We had known some of them more than 10 years. Although they claimed to love us, they were forced to cut us off -- the same thing we had done to those who had left before us.

Please print my letter as a wake-up call to let people know that scare tactics, manipulation and mind control techniques are very much alive. They are not just reserved for "cults," but are used by some churches. It's called "spiritual abuse," and it's as real as any other form of abuse. Books on the subject can be found at local bookstores and public libraries.

Thankfully, we now belong to a church that does not control our lives, does not shame us when we ask questions, does not resort to belittling and name-calling, and does not blame us for their failures. Instead, our church serves as a positive symbol and source of strength.

If people have doubts about an organization or church to which they belong, they should check it out. If it's a legitimate organization, it will stand up to scrutiny. Please, Abby, urge your readers not to ignore their conscience or bury their feelings. If someone feels something is wrong, there's a good chance it is. Sign me ... FREE AT LAST

DEAR FREE: You are 100 percent right in saying that if something feels uncomfortable, it's time to examine it more closely and do something about it. It's not a sin; it's healthy, mature behavior. Anything that requires all your time and money is depriving you of a balanced life.

DEAR ABBY: I know the world reads your column. I'd be so grateful if you would print my letter.

Why is it that when a person becomes a senior citizen, cashiers, hairdressers, everyone starts calling us "Sweetie," "Hon," "Honey," "Sweetheart" -- one even called me "Kitten"! It really upsets me and other seniors.

Is this something that comes with age, and is there something I could say to them? -- OHIO GRANNY

DEAR GRANNY: The names are intended as terms of endearment. They are far nicer than some of the names people are being called today. However, since you find the designations demeaning, inform these well-meaning people that you prefer to be addressed by your name only.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

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