DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and have been in a relationship with "Joe" for several years. His mother, "Roxie," is pushy and manipulative. I've seen her blow things out of proportion with other people.

Last night, thinking we had privacy, Joe and I talked about getting married. We were only bringing the subject up –- we have no intention of marrying right now.

Today at work, Roxie called me and said she "overheard" Joe and me talking, and already had someone lined up to bake the wedding cake. She also knows the "perfect place" for our wedding reception –- and she wants me to wear her wedding dress from 35 years ago. I was so shocked, all I could say was, "I'll talk it over with Joe."

Abby, how can I stop her from butting into our lives without starting a conflict? -– WHAT TO SAY IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR WHAT TO SAY: You and Joe should thank his mother for her generosity and tell her that it was only a preliminary conversation, and that no wedding is yet being planned. Assure her that if things change, she'll be the first to know.

P.S. Instead of feeling defensive, you should be flattered. Her positive reaction indicates how much she approves of you.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old girl who is terrified of going back to public school because of the fear of getting shot. I recently heard on the news that the number of school shootings will increase.

I am being forced to make a decision about going back to public school or staying in home-school. Please help me make the right decision. Your opinion means a lot to me. -- TERRIFIED TEEN, SACRAMENTO, CALIF.

DEAR TERRIFIED TEEN: The problem with fear is that, unchecked, it feeds upon itself and magnifies. While the school shootings of the last few years have received much media attention, the truth is that the vast majority of students in attendance are teens just like yourself -– sane, studious and functional.

You will become completely housebound if you withdraw from society because you are afraid of some lunatic with a gun, because shootings also occur in markets, post offices, banks and on residential streets. Far better to face your fears by talking them out with a professional counselor than to remain in home-school because of a fear of being shot. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: I have two wonderful children. I have been divorced from their father for several years. His current wife –- who is expecting their second child -– is the woman he had an affair with who broke up our marriage.

My problem is whenever I pick up or drop off the kids for visitation, my ex continues to make passes at me. I don't want his new wife to find out because I'm afraid it will cause friction and create more negative impact on my kids. I tell him to stop, but he is still a groping pig. How can I get him to quit? – PINCHED IN POMONA

DEAR PINCHED: Your ex acts like he's convinced he's irresistible. You could remind him that when the two of you were divorced, he lost any right he ever had to touch you –- but I doubt it will dissuade him. A more effective method of self-defense would be to stay out of arm's reach. (Example: inside the car with the windows more than halfway up.)

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: You printed a column from stepchildren in loveless homes. Both letters were signed, "No Name, No Address, No Phone." I hope you'll convey this message to the teen-ager in high school:

Please remember that in three years you'll be graduating and be able to start a new and independent life. Despite your surroundings, make every effort to make these important years count.

Wake up each morning, make your bed, and get yourself out of there so you can focus on your future. Take refuge at the library and at school. Work toward a scholarship. Prove your parents and stepparents wrong by becoming a shining example for your younger sister and brother. YOU CAN DO IT!

Many adults in this world want to see young people succeed and fulfill their potential. Talk with your teachers, coaches, counselors, ministers and the parents of friends. Reach out, and you'll find the support you need to get through this difficult time.

You deserve a life filled with love and support. I'm sending a big hug for you and your siblings. -– TWIN CITIES MOM AND TEACHER

DEAR MOM AND TEACHER: Your letter will have meaning for far more young people than the two whose letters appeared in my column. I'm sad to say that nearly 20 percent of the letters I receive involve physical or emotional abuse. For a civilized society, that's appalling. Please read on:

DEAR ABBY: Seventeen years of my life were spent being kicked, punched and beaten. I was choked, shamed, told I was worthless, starved, berated -– you name it.

My relatives saw what was happening, but my mother would tell them I was such a terrible child I deserved worse than I was getting. If someone had just once asked me what was going on, I would have gladly told them. But I wasn't allowed to speak to anyone unless Mother said it was OK.

Children should feel safe in their own homes. Unfortunately, abuse goes on right under people's noses. I'm willing to bet that many people reading this know someone who is being abused, but the person is too embarrassed to admit it. Victims are made to carry the guilt of the abuser, so they become masters at hiding it. I was told I was so bad no one would believe me. I was too afraid to confide in my teachers or friends for fear of retribution. I had been warned that if I ever told, I would be beaten beyond recognition.

By the way, if you're wondering where my father was during all this, he was right there -– watching. He was as afraid of my mother as I was.

I finally moved out at the age of 17. Mother always said if I didn't like the way she treated me, I could leave any time. I think she was more surprised than anyone else when she saw me packing my belongings. Within an hour I was gone.

To this day, every interaction I have with her is painful. She denies everything, even though many of my relatives have told her they witnessed her abuse. While I have moved on, she is depressed and talks about suicide. I will accept no responsibility for her depression. She should have gotten her act together a long time ago. -– SURVIVOR

DEAR SURVIVOR: In your case, that's healthy thinking. You have suffered enough for a lifetime. Your abusive mother could outlive you. Let your "loving family" deal with her. Keep your distance and do not allow yourself to be manipulated.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have had it with people who talk nonstop on cell phones while simultaneously conducting other business.

As a cashier in a large retail chain, I experience this rudeness daily. Customers come to my register, dump their purchases on the counter, and continue their cell phone conversations without even acknowledging me. After I ring up their total, they'll hand over their money or credit card without looking up, grab their stuff and walk away -- still talking a mile a minute.

Do you know what I've started doing to get even? I purposely "forget" to put one of their items into their bag, or "accidentally" charge them twice for something. I know it's not the right thing to do, but I have absolutely no qualms about it. If they don't have the good manners and common sense to ask the person on the line to hold (an average transaction takes less than a minute), these losers deserve to make an extra trip back to get their merchandise or correct their bill.

Maybe next time they'll pay more attention when they get in my line. Thanks for letting me vent! -- CASHIER WITH A MISSION

DEAR CASHIER: What the customers are doing is rude; what YOU are doing is far worse! If you were my employee, you would be history. Sooner or later this will catch up to you; it's only a matter of time.

If you are wise, you will try to get at the root of what's really causing your anger. It's not the customers. Trust me.

DEAR ABBY: I am deeply concerned about our grandchildren, ages 6 and 9. Our son, "Kevin," recently went through a divorce. He now shares custody with his ex-wife.

When Kevin and the kids come over for Sunday dinner, my son turns dinnertime into a battleground. For example, he'll argue with the children nonstop and force them to eat things they don't like. I think he's intentionally trying to stir up trouble. His father and I eat in silence and try not to interfere. We just pray Kevin will hurry up and go home. We're nervous wrecks by the time they leave.

When my husband and I have the children alone, we're able to create a relaxed atmosphere, and our grandkids respond to that. We talk calmly to them about their day, what happened at school, or anything that may be bothering them.

I am concerned about the mental well-being of our grandchildren, Abby. When they get hurt, Kevin doesn't try to comfort them or check to see how bad the boo-boo is -- he orders them to stop crying and quit acting like babies.

Should we speak up or butt out and leave our son alone? Please help. -- WORRIED ABOUT KEVIN'S KIDS

DEAR WORRIED: If Kevin's behavior has changed since the divorce, it's possible he's overwhelmed by all the responsibility he has when the children are with him.

By all means speak up! If it continues, his overbearing manner will destroy his relationship with his children. Offer to take the children on a regular basis for a while; it might lessen your son's stress.

DEAR ABBY: I was married four months ago. I'm afraid it was a big mistake. My husband and I agree that, to say the least, things are not what we thought they would be.

If we get a divorce, do we have to return the wedding gifts? My parents believe that we do. -- WANTS OUT IN LYNDONVILLE, VT.

DEAR WANTS OUT: I agree with your parents. Should you divorce, any unused gifts should be returned.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)