DEAR ABBY: My letter is in reference to the question about the Jewish practice of leaving stones at someone's grave. The rabbi whom you consulted said the stones signify that someone has visited the grave to honor the deceased; the money that would have been spent on flowers is donated to charity. Viewed from the mystical perspective, it symbolizes that the body returns to dust and the soul returns to God.

In my opinion, based upon my research, the custom has ancient and practical origins: We Jews were originally a desert people. As such, we used to bury our dead in the sand without a casket and covered the grave with stones, not only to mark the spot, but also to prevent animals from digging up and devouring the body.

Upon visiting a grave, it was considered a "mitzvah" – or good deed -– to add stones to replace those moved by the wind or animals. This helped to preserve the integrity of the grave and also the deceased.

The practice of leaving stones at the grave derives from that tradition. The idea of giving to charity instead of a florist is probably a later development. –- RABBI JACQUES CUKIERKORN, KANSAS CITY, MO.

DEAR RABBI CUKIERKORN: Your explanation makes a lot of sense to me. It is corroborated by more than a dozen letters from other Jewish readers. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have no doubt that your reference source was correct regarding why stones are placed on Jewish graves instead of flowers. However, I was always told that it was because stones are everlasting, and flowers die. (Just my 2 cents!) –- AVID READER, CANYON COUNTRY, CALIF.

DEAR AVID: Pennies from heaven? Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In response to why stones are placed on graves in Jewish cemeteries –- you need only go to the Book of Joshua in the Old Testament to find the answer. God instructed the people to gather stones and place them in a pile after crossing the Jordan River:

"In the future, when your children ask you, 'What do these stones mean?' tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever." –- BECKY IN ARIZONA

DEAR BECKY: How interesting! You're the only reader who quoted chapter and verse on the subject. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Here's what I learned in Hebrew school many years ago:

The practice started in the old country. They didn't have monuments because they couldn't afford them. So they gathered many small stones and formed a pyramid at the gravesite. When people visited the grave, they would replace any stones that had fallen off. That's how it really started –- that's the truth. -– LOUIS HYMAN (AGE 83), DELRAY BEACH, FLA.

DEAR LOUIS -– AND ALL YOU DEAR READERS WHO WROTE TO COMMENT: Thank you for your input. Your letters have been fascinating. I often wondered why Jewish scholars would sit and argue for hours about interpretations of the Torah. Well, now I know why.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My 36th birthday is coming, and I would like to do something exciting. I want to have fun with some of my close friends. I have celebrated with my husband and 9-year-old daughter for the past eight years. It's always the same. They buy me a cake, give me gifts and sing "Happy Birthday" -– and every year, I become more depressed because "like that," my birthday is over.

I need something more. How can I break this depressing cycle and explain to my husband and daughter that I prefer spending my birthday with friends? -– WANTING A HAPPIER BIRTHDAY

DEAR WANTING: Is there any reason why you can't do both -– have a family birthday and some special time with your friends? Many people celebrate their birthdays over a period of several days.

I can't help feeling something more is going on than you have revealed in your letter. You may be depressed, and not just on your birthday. See your physician and tell him or her how you feel. If you don't, I see trouble ahead.

DEAR ABBY: I have been invited to a "senior recital" for my next-door neighbor's daughter. The parents of this girl have reserved the auditorium at the school and invited friends and family to an hour-long presentation by her, followed by a reception.

My question: Is this a gift-giving occasion? Should I take flowers or what? I don't want to arrive empty-handed, but I'm in a quandary as to what exactly I should do.

Obviously this is a first for me, Abby. I like these people and want to do the right thing. Any suggestions would be appreciated. -– D.M.K. IN DELAWARE

DEAR D.M.K.: While being invited to a senior recital is not usually considered a gift-giving occasion, if you were to take something the girl could have as a keepsake, she would probably treasure it for the rest of her life. It needn't be anything expensive.

Another idea would be to unobtrusively take a photograph of her during her presentation, frame it, and give it to her as a memento.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and mother-in-law had surgeries on the same day in hospitals more than 100 miles apart. After my wife emerged from surgery, and I was assured that everything had gone well, I raced to the other hospital to see my mother-in-law.

When I reached her side, I could see she was close to death. I asked her if there was anything I could do. She raised an arm, pulled me close and whispered a compliment I will never forget. She said, "Dougie, I'm not a jealous person. If I were, I would be jealous of the life my daughter has had with you."

I kissed her wrinkled cheek, said goodbye and drove back to my wife. It was a sunny California day, but I had difficulty seeing through my tears.

My message to other sons-in-law is this: Instead of making fun of your mothers-in-law, tell them how much you love them. You might be surprised to find out they love you, too. -– "DOUGIE" SOMEWHERE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DOUGIE: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your mother-in-law. She must have been a wonderful woman to have given you such a meaningful farewell gift. I hope others will take your letter to heart. It contains an important lesson.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Marie in Grand Prairie, Texas," who was shocked at some of the attire and lack of respect shown at a funeral she attended. She sent a list of do's and don'ts regarding funeral etiquette.

My mother passed away recently. Shy and homebound, she knew very few people. My siblings and I expected less than 25 attendees at her funeral. We were stunned to see triple that number gathered for Mom's service. Some were family members, but most of them were our friends, many of whom had never met Mom. Some wore dresses and suits; others wore jeans.

I wouldn't have cared if they had come in their bathrobes. These wonderful people put their lives on hold to come and tell me they cared about me and were sorry about the loss of my mother.

Your response to Marie was right on target. It's not about what people wear; it's what's in their hearts that counts. -– MOM'S DAUGHTER, ROCKWALL, TEXAS

DEAR DAUGHTER: Many people wrote to comment on Marie's letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Bravo for your response to Marie regarding "proper and acceptable" funeral behavior. When we buried my Herb, I violated the "hug and acknowledgment" rule she listed. As relatives, friends and acquaintances (well over 200) filed by his American flag-draped coffin, I hugged each and every one -– a spontaneous reaction.

There should be no hard-and-fast "rules." Herb would have deplored a regimented service. The entire group even joined in singing John Denver's "Take Me Home, Country Roads" during the service. More than a year later, I still receive compliments about his wonderful send-off. -– "HUGGING SUE," LEMOORE, CALIF.

DEAR HUGGING SUE: Your husband's funeral was a "love-in" at the time you needed it most. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago my best friend "Sara" (who was 13 at the time) suffered a major tragedy. Her father, a long-haired biker in his mid-30s, died.

When we arrived for the funeral, we were shocked to see most of the adults wearing blue jeans and cut-off shirts. Her father had been dressed in blue jeans, his favorite Harley shirt and a leather jacket. His friends left mementos (like a remote control) in his coffin and cheerfully chatted about the good times. There were few tears.

At first I thought it was improper. I have since changed my mind. I now know that's exactly how her dad would have wanted it. He wanted to go out with a bang –- and he sure did! –- ALLIE IN ST. CHARLES, MO.

DEAR ALLIE: More power to him. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Hugs and acknowledgments can be given anytime, anyplace. After the viewing, prior to my husband's service, a mother held out her baby, who took my finger in her fist. I knew then that, yes, life does go on.

Every person in attendance took away a little bit of my pain. I couldn't begin to tell you what they were wearing. –- CENTRAL NEBRASKA READER

DEAR READER: I understand. A woman named Patricia in Cincinnati related that she wore a bright green dress for her husband's funeral. A few days before his sudden death he had admired it on display and said it would look even better on her. She wore it knowing his spirit was with her, whispering, "You made the right choice!" And, indeed, she did if it brought her comfort.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)