DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter from "New Mom in Ohio," concerning whether she should allow her mother-in-law to decorate the cake for her child's first birthday, I fought back tears. I lost my beloved mother-in-law two years ago. How I wish she was still here to thrill us with her creative cakes.

Each year she would plan a theme cake for my husband, depicting the major events of the last year. The whole family waited and speculated on what the cake would be like. I was blessed to be part of the secret, and we would hunt for the perfect things to put on the cake. The fun we shared is something I will treasure forever.

When we are young, we think we have many years to share with our parents. Don't be fooled. Time goes by too fast to quibble over who bakes a cake! Join the fun, love this special person, and let her honor you and your family with her cakes for years to come. -– MISSING HER IN HURON, OHIO

DEAR MISSING HER: I agree, but not everyone did. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: While the mother-in-law may be great at baking, it's not how the cake looks but the joy a new mom gets to experience in making it. I'm sure the mother-in-law didn't ask her husband's mother to make hers when she first had children.

This mom wants to make her child's cake. No one should deny her that privilege. If her mother-in-law really cared about her, she would understand and not cause a problem. Recently I was watching some old videos with my daughters, now 12 and 8, and when my 12-year-old saw her first birthday cake, she thought it was so pretty she asked where I bought it. Even at 12, she was happy to know I cared enough to take the time to make it myself. Please tell "New Mom" there's nothing wrong with her making the cake and not to feel guilty. This is her time, not her mother-in-law's. -– LOVE BEING A MOM, JACKSON, TENN.

DEAR LOVE BEING A MOM: I know you speak for many young mothers. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have a compromise: In our circle we always let the babies have a cake of their own to dig into and make a huge mess on their first birthday. It's so much fun. Perhaps "New Mom" could make a smaller cake for the baby to dive into, and Grandma's cake can be for the guests to enjoy. Baby can pose for pictures with both, and everyone will be happy. A first birthday is very special for a new mom, so the more cakes, the merrier! -– DAWN IN RIVERSIDE, N.J.

DEAR DAWN: I like your style. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The first year we were married I took both of our families on a Saturday to a local ice cream parlor to celebrate my husband's birthday. On the day of his actual birthday, I made a cake and planned a dinner just for the two of us. Lo and behold, who comes knocking on our door but my in-laws with a cake my mother-in-law had baked. To make matters worse, my husband had a piece of her cake and none of mine. I was devastated and let him know it after they left.

Now we laugh about it and I say, "Anytime someone else wants to cook –- go for it!" Your advice was correct, Abby. There are more important things to agonize over. This too shall pass. –- NO LONGER A BRIDE IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR N.L.A. BRIDE: If there's anything I have learned from this series of letters, it's not the cake that's important, but what it symbolizes -– and it means different things to different people.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Please reprint your advice and driving contract for parents who have a teen-ager who wants to borrow the car. I would like to use it as a contract between my newly licensed daughter and us. Thank you. -– KAREN EAGLESON, NEPEAN, ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR KAREN: I'm pleased to print it again. The "Driving Contract" was the brainchild of a pair of "Proud Parents" who shared it with me many years ago. I frequently receive requests for it. I think it's terrific because it clearly spells out the young person's responsibilities, so there's no question about what the parents expect of the new driver. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As parents of a 16-year-old who has just passed his driver's license examination, we're sure that other parents are also apprehensive about their child's newly found freedom, and might like to ease some of that anxiety by drawing up a contract as we did, as a reminder of the seriousness of this new responsibility. It has worked wonders for us.

DRIVING CONTRACT

I ( ), on this day, do agree to the stipulations stated below rendering me the privilege of driving my parents' cars. If, at any time, I violate the said agreement, the driving privileges will be forfeited to the extent and degree of violation.

(1) Should I get a traffic violation ticket, I agree to pay for the ticket as well as the difference in the insurance premium for as long as the premium is in effect.

(2) I agree to pay for damages that I incur not covered by insurance.

(3) At no time will I ever drink alcoholic beverages and drive at the same time, nor will there be any liquor or beer in the car at any time.

(4) I will never transport more passengers than there are seat belts, and will not drive the car until all passengers have buckled up.

(5) I will keep the car that I drive clean, inside and out, and be aware of its needs for gas, oil, etc., plus wax the car once a month.

I have read the above agreement and do sign this in accordance with the rules.

Signed,

( ) Child

( ) Parent

( ) Parent

Date: ( )

Submitted by ... PROUD PARENTS

DEAR ABBY: We have four married children. My husband's nephew is being married. His mother called today and said they could invite only one couple to the wedding. We're not sure which couple. As it stands, three couples' feelings will be hurt, along with ours.

I feel they should invite all or none. Would it be proper to tell her my feelings on this? What do you suggest our family do? -– APPALLED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR APPALLED: Since it's obvious the guest list is being limited due to financial constraints, do not take this personally and do not criticize. Call the mother of the groom and tell her that rather than having any of your children feel left out, you will be happy to represent your family at the festivities. (Your "children" may be happy to be off the hook.)

DEAR ABBY: Our high school honors English teacher announced that four kids turned in the same term paper. They copied it off the Internet. The teacher said these students should no longer be in honors classes or the Honor Society.

One of the kids' fathers is president of the school board. The principal said, "This has all been a mistake, and it shouldn't affect their future." Then he nominated the son of the school board president for a distinguished award.

My younger siblings will be attending this school in the fall. What should I tell them about this messed-up system? –- CYNICAL BIG BROTHER

DEAR CYNICAL: Tell them the truth: There are serious ethical challenges in the school's administration. Unfortunately, it's an early lesson that some people in authority blatantly misuse their positions of power.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I was disturbed to read the letter from "Exhausted and Angry," who is single-handedly raising her two children, working a 40-hour week, caring for her bedridden mother, and is now faced with demands to care for her obnoxious "Aunt Stella."

For nearly 15 years I was in a similar situation. I cared for my disabled parents, a disabled husband, raised my son and worked 40 hours a week. I say from experience that it will ruin "Exhausted's" health to live under so much constant stress. No matter how much you love someone, it is an absolutely crushing responsibility that will destroy not only her, but also her children. She owes herself and her children first consideration.

Nobody wants to go to a nursing home, but I was left with no alternative, and the relief was phenomenal. I wish I had done it sooner.

An admission to a nursing home is based on the patient's ability to pay –- not the caregiver's. "Exhausted" shouldn't have to impoverish herself. I hope she doesn't feel total responsibility for this aunt. She will be around longer to raise her children and have some peace of mind if she doesn't try to do it all. –- BEEN THERE AND SUFFERED FOR IT

DEAR BEEN THERE: You have written a valuable letter. While spouses must pay for each other's care, extended family –- including children –- are not legally obligated to bear these expenses. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a director of an area agency on aging in Indiana, I empathize with the woman who signed her letter "Exhausted and Angry." Her ill mother asked her to also care for her difficult and surly aunt. She was desperate for ideas on where to find help and alternatives, and you suggested she contact her state or local agency on aging for assistance.

I want to share a nationwide toll-free phone number that might be of help during her search: Elder Care Locator, 1-800-677-1116.

Many people who find themselves in similar situations may benefit from this information. -– ANNE N. JACOBY, AREA 13 AGENCY ON AGING, VINCENNES, IND.

DEAR ANNE: With the aging population surviving longer than ever before, elder care needs are growing by leaps and bounds. The Elder Care Locator 800-number is a wonderful service. Thank you for sharing a valuable resource.

DEAR ABBY: My neighbor told me she had six people staying in her tiny one-bedroom apartment. She asked if one of her friends could stay in my spare room. She said he had plane reservations to return home in a couple of days, so I agreed.

My problem is this "friend" has been smoking in my non-smoking home, eating all my food, making long-distance calls on my telephone, "getting it on" in my spare bed -– and so far, has missed three flights home.

I've always been friendly with my neighbor, but I want her friend out of my apartment –- now. Have you any ideas? –- FEELING USED IN EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR FEELING USED: Your "guest" has taken flagrant advantage of your act of charity. If you want your privacy back, put some starch in your spine and tell him he's worn out the welcome mat -– it's time to go and you want him out in 12 hours. Stick to your guns and accept no excuses. "Help" him pack if necessary. Don't let him make you feel guilty for standing up for yourself. It's uncanny how freeloaders like your "friend" manage to survive.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)