DEAR ABBY: I recently visited my "Aunt Selma" in North Carolina. I used to consider her a wonderful person until I found out what she has been up to.

One of Aunt Selma's neighbors pays her to follow her husband and a neighbor lady. (I'll call her Nona.) The wife thinks that Nona and her husband are having an affair. My aunt follows them occasionally, and afterward she calls the man's wife and lies to her. She makes up things she thinks the wife wants to hear.

When I asked Aunt Selma why she does this, she said she isn't going to give up good money to tell this woman the truth -- that there's nothing between the husband and the neighbor!

I used to think Aunt Selma was a respectable person. Now I see her as a money-grubber. She constantly lies to this woman about things her husband and Nona are doing, when in fact Nona is in the house alone watching television.

I have a feeling Aunt Selma is going to get hurt one day for making up all those stories about the husband and her neighbor.

I know the people involved. Should I tell them what's going on? -- STEAMED NIECE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR STEAMED: I think you should. It could go a long way toward healing a troubled marriage.

When Aunt Selma's vicious money-making scheme comes to an end, suggest that she devote her spare time to taking a creative writing class. With her imagination, she could earn a legitimate living writing romance novels. (Shame on her!)

DEAR ABBY: Would you please put out the word to insensitive people that just because you reach a certain age, it doesn't mean you have to retire? My husband enjoys his job, but is always hounded about when he's going to retire. Because people are 64 or 65 doesn't mean they have to sit down and do nothing. I consider it an insult to be constantly asked when we're going to stop. It's as if they are saying we are old.

I know too many people who sit around waiting to die. Just because a time was set, years ago, for drawing Social Security, that's no reason people have to stop doing what they enjoy. I don't understand why people ask such personal questions. It's a real turn-off. It's as if they're implying that we haven't wisely managed our finances, planned ahead or invested wisely -- which we have. We are active people, younger than our age in many ways.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I'd be grateful if you would print this for the world to see. -- OFFENDED IN VIRGINIA

DEAR OFFENDED: You're welcome.

Those who assume that folks in their mid-60s who continue working do so because it's necessary may be not only barking up the wrong tree, but also relying on outdated information. In recognition of the fact that our population is living longer and in better health than a generation ago, there are now financial incentives for people to remain in the workplace until age 70. Also, it shouldn't be lost on anyone that people who are successful in their careers and enjoy what they are doing are often unwilling to "hang it up" simply because they've reached a "magic number."

When people tell me they are planning to retire, my first question is always, "Retire to what?" It's vital to stay mentally and physically active -- or old age WILL set in! That's why I have always considered "retirement" a dirty word.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Youth sporting events are supposed to be fun. Unfortunately, many parents and fans of amateur sports don't realize that their actions, whether verbal or nonverbal, have a lasting, emotional effect on children.

The National Youth Sports Safety Foundation (NYSSF) is aware of the harmful effects of emotional abuse on children in sports and has come up with a Code of Conduct. It is available on our Web site: www.nyssf.org. Abby, would you please print it so every parent and coach in the country will see it? -- MICHELLE KLEIN, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, NYSSF

DEAR MICHELLE: I'm pleased to share your Code of Conduct with my readers. Speaking as someone who's old enough to remember when youth sports were supposed to be fun for the kids instead of emotional outlets for their parents, I hope the code will be taken to heart. Read on:

CODE OF CONDUCT FOR CHILDREN'S SPORTING EVENTS

(1) I will not force my child to participate in sports.

(2) I will remember that children participate to have fun, and that the game is for youth, not adults.

(3) I will inform the coach of any physical disability or ailment that may affect the safety of my child or the safety of others.

(4) I will learn the rules of the game and the policies of the league.

(5) I (and my guests) will be positive role models for my child, and encourage sportsmanship by showing respect and courtesy -- and by demonstrating positive support for all players, coaches, officials and spectators at every game, practice or other sporting event.

(6) I (and my guests) will not engage in any unsportsmanlike conduct with any official, coach, player or parent, such as booing and taunting, refusing to shake hands, or using profane language or gestures.

(7) I will not encourage any behaviors or practices that would endanger the health and well-being of the athletes.

(8) I will teach my child to play by the rules and to resolve conflicts without resorting to hostility or violence.

(9) I will demand that my child treat other players, coaches, officials and spectators with respect regardless of race, creed, color, sex or ability.

(10) I will teach my child that doing one's best is more important than winning, so that my child will never feel defeated by the outcome of a game or his/her performance.

(11) I will praise my child for competing fairly and trying hard, and make my child feel like a winner every time.

(12) I will never ridicule or yell at my child or other participant for making a mistake or losing a competition.

(13) I will emphasize skill development and practices, and how they benefit my child, over winning. I will also de-emphasize games and competition in the lower age groups.

(14) I will promote the emotional and physical well-being of the athletes ahead of any personal desire I may have for my child to win.

(15) I will respect the officials and their authority during games and will never question, discuss or confront coaches at the game field, and will take time to speak with coaches at an agreed-upon time and place.

(16) I will demand a sports environment for my child that is free from drugs, tobacco and alcohol, and I will refrain from their use at all sports events.

(17) I will refrain from coaching my child or other players during games and practices unless I am an official coach.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: It has taken me years to be able to write this letter. With Father's Day approaching, I can't put it off any longer.

This is the 10th year I will avoid greeting card stores, full-page ads for Father's Day specials, and any other reference to Father's Day.

My beloved father was buried the day before Father's Day in 1991. His surgery to repair damage from a heart attack was unsuccessful. He had seen the doctor the week before, complaining of chest pains. After a short exam, he was given a prescription for an antacid and advised to return in two weeks if the problem persisted. He didn't survive two weeks.

We were stunned that this active, vital man could, without his knowledge, have a heart problem so severe that it proved to be fatal. After the funeral I did some research.

The most startling statistic I discovered is 225,000 people die unexpectedly each year from heart attacks. One cardiologist told me, "Sometimes the first symptom is that the patient is dead."

Abby, this figure accounts for one-fourth of all heart disease-related deaths in this country. Had my father been properly diagnosed, in all probability he could have received treatment to prevent his heart attack. As it turned out, his heart was so badly damaged, he was unable to withstand the surgery to try to save his life.

Abby, please urge your readers to insist that their loved ones see a doctor regularly for a complete physical examination -- especially if there's a history of heart disease or other high-risk factors in their family.

If one father takes my advice and spares his children the pain of a fatherless Father's Day, my wonderful father's death will not have been without meaning. -- MISSING DAD IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR MISSING DAD: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your father. While I can urge readers to schedule annual physicals, it is eloquent letters like yours that often give them the added "push" they need to safeguard their health. If they won't do it for themselves, sometimes they'll do it for the peace of mind of their families.

I'm sorry you're still suffering so much pain. Perhaps it will help you to take a moment on Father's Day to remember some of the special times you shared with him. I can't imagine a finer tribute.

DEAR ABBY: This morning while I was waiting for some repair work to be done on my car, I read with interest the letters in your column about the symbolism of finding one or more pennies.

When the repairs were finished, I went out to my car, opened the car door, and guess what was sitting in the middle of my driver's seat? A bright, shiny 2001 penny! I wonder if my father (who has been deceased for 12 years) was sending me a message. -- DAVE BROWN, BIRMINGHAM, ALA.

DEAR DAVE: I don't know what your mechanic charges, but your dad may have thought you needed the money.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)