DEAR ABBY: Nine months ago, my 30-year-old daughter, "Natalie," who lives on the West Coast, announced that she wished to be married in July in our East Coast waterfront home. I told her I'd be happy to host her wedding.

Last Christmas, she wrote our East Coast family members (who number over 60) asking them to save the date. On Natalie's trips home since the announcement, we have worked together to procure a minister, a band, and a tent for the reception. I put down a payment on the beach area of our community for the reception. I was even able to find private homes for guests to stay to reduce their expenses.

Out of the blue, last week Natalie called me and announced that she has changed her mind. She now intends to be married in August on the West Coast.

I don't want to put a damper on my daughter's wedding plans, but should I just humbly accept this last-minute change? Perhaps my vision of a wedding as the joining of the bride and groom -- as well as their two families -- is an outmoded concept. (Our large East Coast family will NOT be able to make the trek west.)

My Natalie is a hypersensitive child, and I am reluctant to tell her how disappointed and saddened I am by her sudden change of plans. Tell me, should I just MYOB? -- IN SHOCK IN SEVERNA PARK, MD.

DEAR IN SHOCK: Your daughter may be hypersensitive, but she would have to suffer from amnesia not to be aware of all the plans that you and the rest of her East Coast family have made. Tell her how you feel.

I believe a bride should have the wedding of her dreams -- but it doesn't give her the right to ride roughshod over the feelings of others.

Now: Contact the minister, the band, the homeowners, the tent supplier, etc., and ask them to return all or a portion of any deposits you have made. I wish you the best of luck, because I foresee a migraine in your near future.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I live in a small neighborhood. We are one of about five families who have a swimming pool. Over the years we have told our next-door neighbors they are welcome to use our pool during the summer and while we are on vacation. They have two children, ages 6 and 12. We are not close friends, but have had them to our home on occasion. They have never reciprocated.

Last summer, after we returned from vacation, our neighbors "laughingly" informed us that they had invited two other couples (and their extended families) to OUR home for a pool party. We were shocked speechless.

We are entering "pool season" again. These neighbors are now waving and becoming friendlier. My husband and I are in firm agreement that we will NOT offer the pool for their family to use again this summer. Of course, this doesn't mean that while we are gone they will not invite themselves over anyway.

What do you think of their behavior? How would you handle this? -- NOT FEELING NEIGHBORLY IN TENNESSEE

DEAR NOT FEELING: Hospitality is supposed to be a two-way street. Your neighbors were not only rude, they were presumptuous. If their guests had been injured on your property, the liability would have been yours.

Waste no time in telling these people that you can no longer accommodate them because of the potential liability. Were I in your position, I would fence the pool and install key locks on the gates. Your swimming pool should be fenced anyway -- for your protection and the safety of small children in the neighborhood.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 45-year-old divorced mother of three.

"Jeff," the man I am seeing, is kind, patient, understanding

and generous. He is a gentleman. There isn't anything I want

or wish for that he does not get for me. Jeff sends me

flowers several times a month. He loves my children dearly. I

could not ask for a more perfect man.

The problem is: HE'S STILL MARRIED. Jeff and his wife

have been separated for 10 years. He refuses to see a lawyer,

even for consultation, because he says he can't afford a

divorce. He's convinced his wife will take "everything." How

can he be certain if he doesn't talk to someone?

I love Jeff with all my heart, but quite frankly, I am

tired of waiting. I want to be his wife. I know Jeff loves me

with all his heart, mind, body and soul -- but maybe not

enough to get married.

Abby, how much longer do I wait? -- EVERYTHING EXCEPT

THE RING

DEAR EVERYTHING: The gentleman you are seeing may love

you with his heart, mind, body and soul -- but he loves his

current economic status more.

Ask yourself: Can I live like this indefinitely, or

should I push for a commitment with the risk of "losing" him?

Only YOU can answer that.

DEAR ABBY: I work in an office where people often bring

food: doughnuts, casseroles, birthday cake, etc., for special

events. On these occasions, "Cora" will fill an extra plate

with food and say, "I'm taking this home for 'Susie'" (her 5-

year-old daughter).

I wouldn't mind if Cora couldn't afford to feed Susie.

But that isn't the case. Cora owns her own home, has a nice

car, and frequents restaurants several times a week.

I think Cora is rude. I often want to say to her, "I

didn't know Susie worked here," hoping it will stop her from

pilfering our food for her child. Can you think of anything

we can say to her to get the point across that what she is

doing is wrong? -- NO FREE LUNCH IN OHIO

DEAR NO FREE LUNCH: Oh, come on! How much can a 5-year-

old consume? I'm sure it makes the child happy to feel

remembered. In the interest of office morale, refrain from

criticizing and being so possessive about the leftovers.

DEAR ABBY: I write this as a warning to older people

about lending their credit cards to a new friend or neighbor.

Normally, it's done because the older person can't pick up

his or her own prescription or run an errand, so he or she

gives a credit card to the new acquaintance.

My friend's mother gave her credit card to a woman who,

in one afternoon, ran up more than $10,000 in charges and

then took off. The police can do nothing about it because the

"kind person" had written permission to use the card. The

poor trusting victim had to declare bankruptcy because she

could not pay off the debt on her small pension.

Abby, please warn your readers never to blindly trust a

person they do not know well. -- WANTS TO HELP IN HEMET,

CALIF.

DEAR WANTS TO HELP: What a horror story! The lesson here

is that people who blindly trust get robbed blind. A safer

way to handle such a situation would be for the credit card

owner to call the pharmacy (or store) and give the card

number when the item is being picked up.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter

Jeanne Phillips.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set.

To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope,

plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in

Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount

Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 45-year-old divorced mother of three. "Jeff," the man I am seeing, is kind, patient, understanding and generous. He is a gentleman. There isn't anything I want or wish for that he does not get for me. Jeff sends me flowers several times a month. He loves my children dearly. I could not ask for a more perfect man.

The problem is: HE'S STILL MARRIED. Jeff and his wife have been separated for 10 years. He refuses to see a lawyer, even for consultation, because he says he can't afford a divorce. He's convinced his wife will take "everything." How can he be certain if he doesn't talk to someone?

I love Jeff with all my heart, but quite frankly, I am tired of waiting. I want to be his wife. I know Jeff loves me with all his heart, mind, body and soul -- but maybe not enough to get married.

Abby, how much longer do I wait? -- EVERYTHING EXCEPT THE RING

DEAR EVERYTHING: The gentleman you are seeing may love you with his heart, mind, body and soul -- but he loves his current economic status more.

Ask yourself: Can I live like this indefinitely, or should I push for a commitment with the risk of "losing" him? Only YOU can answer that.

DEAR ABBY: I work in an office where people often bring food: doughnuts, casseroles, birthday cake, etc., for special events. On these occasions, "Cora" will fill an extra plate with food and say, "I'm taking this home for 'Susie'" (her 5-year-old daughter).

I wouldn't mind if Cora couldn't afford to feed Susie. But that isn't the case. Cora owns her own home, has a nice car, and frequents restaurants several times a week.

I think Cora is rude. I often want to say to her, "I didn't know Susie worked here," hoping it will stop her from pilfering our food for her child. Can you think of anything we can say to her to get the point across that what she is doing is wrong? -- NO FREE LUNCH IN OHIO

DEAR NO FREE LUNCH: Oh, come on! How much can a 5-year-old consume? I'm sure it makes the child happy to feel remembered. In the interest of office morale, refrain from criticizing and being so possessive about the leftovers.

DEAR ABBY: I write this as a warning to older people about lending their credit cards to a new friend or neighbor. Normally, it's done because the older person can't pick up his or her own prescription or run an errand, so he or she gives a credit card to the new acquaintance.

My friend's mother gave her credit card to a woman who, in one afternoon, ran up more than $10,000 in charges and then took off. The police can do nothing about it because the "kind person" had written permission to use the card. The poor trusting victim had to declare bankruptcy because she could not pay off the debt on her small pension.

Abby, please warn your readers never to blindly trust a person they do not know well. -- WANTS TO HELP IN HEMET, CALIF.

DEAR WANTS TO HELP: What a horror story! The lesson here is that people who blindly trust get robbed blind. A safer way to handle such a situation would be for the credit card owner to call the pharmacy (or store) and give the card number when the item is being picked up.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)