DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Perplexed in Virginia," about the snubbing her first-grade son received from classmates throwing birthday parties, resonated with me, as I'm sure it did with many other parents.

My 7-year-old granddaughter has recently been hurt twice when girls in her class invited her for their parties, but did not invite her to stay for the sleep-over afterward. Boasting on the part of the girls who got to stay made it even sadder for the few who had to leave when the actual party was over.

Abby, perhaps you should open the door for letters about other birthday abuses -- like reacting negatively after opening a gift. Perhaps some young parents never learned to be sensitive, and you could launch a crusade to spare the feelings of youngsters. -- SADDENED GRANNY

DEAR GRANNY: I'm pleased to oblige. Children cannot learn what they haven't been taught -- and there's no better way to raise awareness than reading first-person accounts of painful experience. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have children in a small private school. Some of the students always invite the entire class to their birthday parties. My children do not. I want my children to be empathetic and respectful, but I also want them to grow up learning appropriate limits and boundaries. We invite one child for every year of age -- at a fifth birthday party: five guests.

I offer my do's and don'ts for children's birthday parties:

(1) Don't hand out invitations at school unless you plan to invite the entire class. Mail them instead.

(2) Don't schedule the party immediately after school. The partygoers should not arrive at the party en masse off the school bus.

(3) Don't discuss the party on the playground or in the lunchroom or classroom. If one of your guests mentions the party, simply say you're glad he or she can come. School is not the place to go into party details.

(4) Do ask your child to consider the mix of his or her guests. Are there two children on the list who don't get along? Is there a guest from the neighborhood who will feel out of place not knowing the guests from the school? Does every guest know at least one other guest -- someone besides your child?

Etiquette isn't meant to entangle us, but to provide guidelines. I hope my children won't doggedly adhere to strict rules of etiquette, but embrace a hospitality that considers the needs of others. Forcing the unrealistic expectation that we will be friends with everyone diminishes the child's ability to make wise choices and create healthy boundaries.

Our children do not have to be friends with every child in their classroom. But our children do have to be respectful of all. -- MINNEAPOLIS MOM

DEAR MOM: I agree that the feelings of others must be respected, and you're never too young to learn that lesson. Limiting the size of birthday parties for your child makes sense. The problems arise when almost an entire class is invited to the party and just a few are excluded. Not every child is popular. However, that reality should not be magnified by his or her obvious exclusion. Make no mistake about it, those painful traumas last a lifetime.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Reading the letter about the dangers of sniffing and huffing made me relive the tragedy of my beloved 6-foot-1, 190-pound, 16-year-old son. He died in 1974 after sniffing a tissue roll stuffed with paper soaked with deodorant spray. He had told his friends that it wouldn't hurt anyone. Well, it did far more than hurt him -- it killed him.

Never being able to visit our beloved son, never having his children in our lives, never seeing him smile or hearing his voice again are permanent, painful wounds from which we will never recover.

When I retired, I began substitute teaching in 23 schools in the Houston area. I have shared my son's tragic story in every class I taught, hurting and crying every time I retold it. I feel that if my sharing the tragedy can save even one child from dying the way my son did, it is worth the pain of reliving his loss.

Children need to understand how dangerous sniffing and huffing are, and that size and strength will not prevent inhalants from paralyzing one's lungs. They need to know that form of drug abuse is more dangerous than a gun. Sniffing or huffing JUST ONCE can be the last time, because it kills.

Abby, please warn your readers again how deadly sniffing and huffing can be. -- DR. (REV.) LORAINE C. BOATWRIGHT, BONAIRE, GA.

DEAR DR. BOATWRIGHT: My heart goes out to you. Sharing the story of your son's death in order to save another child from dying the same way is both compassionate and generous. I have no doubt that the children to whom you speak will remember and refrain from seeking this deadly "thrill."

Readers, please talk to your children again about sniffing and huffing. Show them this letter. Tell them you love them and would be devastated to lose them in such a senseless way. Warn them not to sacrifice the promise of tomorrow for a momentary high. They have everything to lose when they gamble with inhalants.

DEAR ABBY: Last month, I was late picking up my son at his day-care center. He was the last child remaining there. The supervisor was gone. One of the attendants was cleaning up. I was told my son was playing cards in the back room with the attendant's boyfriend. I decided to sneak up on them and take a snapshot for his scrapbook. When I got to the door, I overheard the man tell my son to "zip up his pants" and "get the hell out." I had no idea what to do. The man saw me and threatened me and my son. We fled.

I took my son out of day care and put him in counseling, but have not said anything about this to anyone. I know I need to speak up. What should I do? -- FRIGHTENED MOM IN ARIZONA

DEAR FRIGHTENED MOM: By your silence, you are putting other children in jeopardy and protecting a predator. Report the molestation to the police immediately. Your son's counselor can prepare him to tell the authorities what happened in the back room.

In the past, I have received letters from day-care providers complaining about parents who fail to pick up their children in a timely manner. Let this be a warning.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Although you don't know it, you were very much involved in making my Mother's Day special last year. My son's wife, Maureen, saw a letter in your column that inspired her to write one to me. Maureen and my son Tom met in high school and have been happily married for 33 years. Never in all that time have Maureen and I had a disagreement or argument of any kind.

I've enclosed the letter she sent to me. It brought tears to my eyes.

"DEAR KATE: When I saw Dear Abby's column on Mother's Day, I thought of you. I want you to know how blessed I feel to have you for a mother-in-law. In fact, I rarely use that term because of its negative connotations. I usually refer to you as 'my husband's mother.'

"You have always shown me kindness and understanding, especially during some difficult times. You have never criticized me, even when we disagreed. And I surely appreciate the love you have shown me. I have always felt being a part of the Olsen family -- as one of you, rather than an in-law.

"Even if I hadn't known you as well as I do, I would deduce how wonderful you are just through the dear, witty, generous son you raised.

"Thank you for every weed you've pulled, for every shirt you've ironed, every thoughtful note you've written, every kind word you spoke when my parents died, every hug you've given me, every day of baby-sitting Kristin and Tim, and for ALL you've done for me.

"Thank you for all of this, Kate, and most of all, for loving me as you do. Love and thanks. Maureen" -- KATE OLSEN, INDIANHEAD PARK, ILL.

DEAR KATE: You have a right to be proud. That letter illustrates the ideal loving relationship that can be shared by DILs and MILs. I hope it inspires others to emulate you. Read on:

DEAR READERS: I would like to share with you a tribute to a mother that I printed in 1992. I'm sure many of you can identify with it. While some of the details may differ, the following letter describes the many sacrifices and acts of love on the part of mothers everywhere:

DEAR ABBY: My 37-year-old daughter, Norma, sent me the following testimonial for Mother's Day. It touched me so profoundly that I wanted to share it with you. -- DORA BOYD, EDGEWATER, FLA.

DEAR MRS. BOYD: Thank you for sending it. I do, indeed, want to share it with my readers:

"Dear Mother: As I grew up ...

"... You fostered my independence. You allowed me to decide what to wear, what friends to choose, what boys to date, what foods to eat -- and how much. You trusted my judgment, even when it differed from yours. Although our views differ on women's issues, fashion, etc., you displayed confidence in my decisions.

"... You never shamed me for being a bed wetter until I was 6 -- and for that, I'll always be grateful.

"... You worked backbreaking jobs to give my brother and me music lessons, concerts, plays and educational trips.

"... You taught me about reproduction and birth control. I'm very proud of you for that. My girlfriends cannot say that about their mothers.

"... You admitted that you were not perfect, enabling me to safely question your beliefs, opinions and actions -- and draw my own conclusions.

"And now that I'm an adult, I want to thank you for always being there for me. You are a wonderful role model, and I am lucky to have you for my mother. I love you very much. -- NORMA"

DEAR READERS: Does Norma's mother sound familiar? If the answer is yes, today's the day to express your appreciation to your mother. If you aren't comfortable composing a letter of your own to give to Mom today, clip this and take it to her. Tell her you recognized her in this column. Give her a big hug and a thank-you -- and don't be surprised if you see tears of happiness in her eyes. Happy Mother's Day.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)