DEAR ABBY: I am shocked and outraged by your reply to "Married to an Overprotector," whose second husband insisted her 15-year-old daughter give him "all the personal details" of the dates she had with boys -- whether they held hands, kissed, etc.

My two stepdaughters are now 20 and 21. I, too, was probably "overprotective" during their teens. Yes, men tend to remember how we acted with girls when we were teen-agers -- when our bodies overflowed with testosterone and not enough common sense. That's one reason we are overprotective now. But you are wrong to imply that it is motivated by jealousy and sexual fantasy.

Perhaps, like me, the man just loves the girl as his own and fears that mistakes she might make during her formative years could affect her future. You owe him and all of us "overprotective" stepdads an apology. -- A CARING STEPDAD IN COLORADO

DEAR CARING: I certainly do not believe that all protective stepfathers have sexual fantasies about their stepdaughters. However, in this case, the stepfather's interrogation was excessive -- and many readers agreed with me. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You'll get many letters telling you that you were wrong in your comments about the "overprotective" stepfather. But stick to your guns, Abby.

The woman who wrote that letter could have been describing my ex-husband. He regarded every young man who showed interest in our adopted daughter as though he was a pervert. It made the young men so uncomfortable they would no longer come to our home. They would ask our daughter to meet them at a friend's house. Talking to my husband got me nowhere.

Once I asked him to talk to her about the "lines" boys use to convince a girl to have sex. He claimed never to have used any. I asked him in front of our daughter, and it made him uncomfortable.

You must have guessed by now -- he was sexually abusing her. I never suspected it. Our daughter did not divulge what happened to her until she was grown. She thought I had known about it all along and tolerated it.

We were estranged for years and only recently have begun to talk. -- ANONYMOUS MOM IN VIRGINIA

DEAR ANONYMOUS: I'm pleased that the lines of communication between you and your daughter are being mended. I hope her stepfather is being prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I, too, was a stepdaughter. My father died before I was born. My stepfather, like "Overprotector," was overly concerned about any boy I dated. He opened and read my letters and insisted on knowing every detail of my dates. He would ask how I felt when kissed, and did I like it. He became angry if I had a date and didn't share all the details with him.

It wasn't long before he was exposing himself to me and touching me in inappropriate places. I was also 15. It continued for three years. My mother did not believe me when I told her what he was doing. I left home at 18. -- STILL HURTING IN KNOXVILLE, TENN.

DEAR STILL HURTING: You were betrayed by two adults who were supposed to protect you. If you haven't received counseling to lessen your pain, I urge you to do so. Your doctor can refer you to a qualified therapist.

There are self-help groups for survivors of abuse and incest: Incest Survivors Anonymous, P.O. Box 17245, Long Beach, CA 90807-7245; and, Survivors of Incest Anonymous Inc., P.O. Box 190, Benson, MD 21018-9998. The Web address is www.siawso.org.

P.S. If you write for information, please enclose a long, self-addressed, stamped envelope (68 cents) for the reply. Survivors of Incest Anonymous requests a $2 donation to cover cost of materials.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 14 years. We have two wonderful boys. Last weekend, my husband questioned me about a missing condom. He asked if I knew where it was. At first, I laughed it off, because I had no idea where it might be. He questioned me about it for three days.

Yesterday, I discovered the missing condom. It had been thrown into another drawer. When I told my husband, he actually checked the lot number to see if it matched the others in the package. He said it was "very suspicious," and did not apologize for accusing me of taking it.

Abby, our married life has not been the happiest. He has falsely accused me of things in the past. I've mentioned marriage counseling many times, but he refuses to go. How should I handle this? -- TIRED OF THE THIRD DEGREE

DEAR TIRED: The lack of trust in your marriage needs to be addressed. Since your husband refuses to go to counseling, go by yourself. You need a safe, supportive place to vent your understandable frustration and anger.

P.S. You didn't mention how old your sons are, but I suspect one or both of them became curious and went into your drawers. In their haste to return the condom, it was put into the wrong drawer. If you haven't done so already, your sons are old enough to hear some straight talk about human sexuality, the reproductive system and their parents' right to privacy.

DEAR ABBY: Recently you've printed several letters from readers complaining about their neighborhood "pests." I live in an idyllic home at the end of a private road. Vegetation obscures my immediate neighbors.

My neighborhood "pest" is my next-door neighbor. For years she complained that I was cutting weeds and vines from the ditch that separates our properties. (I cut the weeds because I want the hedge I planted to grow.)

One day while she was complaining, I said, "You know, it makes me very uncomfortable knowing that you watch me when I'm all sweaty and working with my shirt off." Then I winked at her. It was the last complaint I've had from her in five years. -- GARDENER IN WEST PALM BEACH, FLA.

DEAR GARDENER: You probably scared the "pest" with your flirtatious accusation. I hope your hedge has finally grown tall enough that she no longer gets an "eyeful," if she's so inclined.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are planning a simple, intimate wedding, and because I am Jewish and he is not, we're having a nondenominational ceremony. At the end of the ceremony, I would like to have the traditional "stomping of the glass." However, my mother says that we cannot do it because we're not having the traditional Jewish ceremony.

What is the proper etiquette? -- STACY IN ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.

DEAR STACY: There is no rule that says you cannot include the breaking of the wine glass in your wedding ceremony if you wish. Civil ceremonies can (and do) vary greatly, and some customs can be modified according to your own preference.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 30-year-old woman. I worked as a nurse in a psychiatric hospital for five years. Last month, I had an affair -- a one-night stand -- with a former patient whom I met in the hospital. It was discovered, and a week later, I was fired.

Abby, I swear nothing inappropriate ever took place while the man was a patient in the hospital. We only talked. Hospital management didn't believe me and gave me no choice but to "resign." Now I hear there are terrible rumors circulating about me.

Fortunately, my husband is standing beside me as I try to get on with my life. I feel like I have committed a felony and don't know how to forgive myself. -- MADE A MISTAKE IN MARYLAND

DEAR MADE A MISTAKE: You don't need me to tell you

that you committed a serious breach of professional ethics. Doctors, nurses, social workers and other health-care professionals must not have a physical relationship with their patients. Psychiatric patients are particularly vulnerable.

You and your husband would benefit from professional marriage counseling. It's important that you find out why you took a risk that sabotaged your professional future and compromised your marriage vows, so that you can understand and be able to forgive yourself.

DEAR ABBY: My son "Rudy" is 42 years old and still depends on me and his sisters to give him money to survive. He is an only son and brother and has always expected it from us.

Rudy never married and recently started living on his own, although he doesn't own much of anything. One of his sisters was generous enough to purchase a home for him to live in, but he refused to move to where the house is located.

He doesn't own a car, and I guess he is waiting for one of us to get one for him. In the past, we have bought him cars and trucks, along with beautiful clothing -- and he has nothing to show for it. All of us in the family have bent over backward to help him get on his feet.

Abby, what can we do to make Rudy understand that he needs to take care of himself without help from us? His sisters have cut him off; however, I am still trying to do the best for me AND for him. Your thoughts, please. -- NO NAME IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR NO NAME: Your son is old enough to be told the facts of life. Show him the help-wanted ads and point out entry-level positions. The gravy train has left the station, and now Rudy must stand on his own two feet.

P.S. He may need professional counseling to break his lifelong dependency on others. Let's hope it's the last thing you'll have to pay for.

DEAR ABBY: I love my wife dearly, but she has chronic bad breath -- and I mean BAD. I have tried talking to her about it; she just shrugs it off or says I hurt her feelings.

Every morning when I leave the house for work, she asks for a goodbye kiss and I reluctantly oblige. Please tell me what to do, Abby. It would be nice to enjoy a sweet kiss again. -- GASPING FOR AIR

DEAR GASPING: Perhaps you should change your approach. Tell your wife gently that you're concerned about her health, and you'd like her to get a thorough exam from both her doctor and dentist. Bad breath can be a sign of serious dental or medical problems and should not be ignored.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)