DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing a widow who lives in the home she shared with her husband. His will allows her to live there as long as she wishes or until she remarries. At that time, the title will pass to the children from her husband's first marriage.

Some time ago, the stepchildren offered to "buy her out" for a substantial sum. It was a one-time offer, and she did not accept. Now she's taken the position that anyone who marries her must pay her the amount that was offered her.

Abby, I own my own home and would like to marry this woman, but I cannot bring myself to accept her terms. I feel I may as well shop for a wife by catalog, which I would never do.

Please tell me what you think about this. I don't want to be taken advantage of. -- CONFUSED IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONFUSED: Your lady friend's demand gives new meaning to the term "creative financing." A person who insists on a real estate deal before agreeing to marriage is negotiating a business deal, not a lifetime commitment. My advice: Run for the hills!

DEAR ABBY: I am a brand-new mom, excited about celebrating my child's first birthday. My mother-in-law is an extremely creative person and has decorated all of her grandchildren's birthday cakes. I know she will insist on making the cake and decorating it the way she would like. However, I'd really like to make the cake myself because I'm the mom, and it's my child's first birthday.

There will be a lot of relatives and friends at the party, and I don't want the cake to become an issue. Do I let my mother-in-law carry on her tradition, or would it be OK if I bake and decorate the cake for my child? -- NEW MOM IN OHIO

DEAR NEW MOM: Plan the party, decide on the theme, tell your mother-in-law what the theme of the party will be, and let that wonderful woman do what she does best. Then thank the Lord you have such a generous and creative person in your life. You are fortunate, indeed.

P.S. Ask your mother-in-law to show you how it's done so the tradition doesn't die when she is gone.

DEAR ABBY: Ever since I saw the movie "Schindler's List," I have been curious about why small stones were placed on the grave markers in the Jewish cemetery. I wish it had been explained at the end of the movie, but it wasn't. I'm sure many other people wondered about it just as I did. Can you tell me the reason? -- CURIOUS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR CURIOUS: According to Rabbi Bentzion Kravitz in Beverly Hills, there are two reasons -- practical and mystical. Practically speaking, stones signify that someone has visited the grave to honor the deceased. The stones are placed in lieu of flowers, the money going to charity.

Looking at it from the mystical perspective, the body returns to dust, and the soul returns to God.

DEAR ABBY: You periodically print letters about "random acts of kindness," and I'd like to share my experience.

A few years ago I had to use a walker before having hip replacement surgery. A young man in the post office parking lot saw me struggling to get my leg into the car. He ran over, lifted my leg into the car, and went one step further -- he tucked my long coat under my bottom! -- PATRICIA IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PATRICIA: All I can say is, that young man had his HEART in the right place.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Mother in Hampton, Ga.," who told her daughters she would not give her approval for marriage unless they received a one-carat diamond engagement ring, reminded me of a situation in my family years ago.

My sister became engaged to a fellow we all liked very much. My parents hosted an engagement party in their home and invited all their relatives and friends.

The young man had recently been discharged from the Army and had no money -- therefore, there was no engagement ring. At the party, two guests, in critical and judgmental tones, said to my mother, "We don't see a diamond ring on your daughter's finger." Mother smiled and called the young man from across the room. When he came over, she said to the guests, "THIS is our jewel."

My sister and her husband were happily married for more than 45 years. He was successful in his profession. My sister received more diamonds and material things than most wives. -- JERRY IN HUNTINGTON, N.Y.

DEAR JERRY: I admire your mother's values. Predictably, that letter generated more mail. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The advice given by "Mother in Hampton, Ga.," to her daughters not to accept an engagement ring unless it was at least one carat is blatantly sexist. It is the equivalent of a father telling his son not to marry any woman with less than a 38-inch bust. Such a father would be teaching his son to view women as "sex objects." "Mother" is teaching her daughters to view men as "success objects."

In response to her defense that she's teaching her daughters to focus on how well the man could "provide the necessities," let me share the results of my own research.

Applying the "DeBeers Standard," which suggests that the diamond should equal two months' salary, a one-carat ring will cost an average of $28,125 in the Kansas City area. A man who makes that much in two months will bring home $337,500 per year. Figuring the tax bracket he would be in, the minimum salary "Mother" would accept is $675,000 per year. Granted, that would buy an awful lot of "necessities."

"Mother" may believe she is not teaching her daughters to focus on the ring, but she sure as heck is not teaching them to look at things such as tenderness, companionship or fidelity. I guess Mama figures $675,000 would make for a "comfortable" divorce settlement. -- GEORGE IN RAYTOWN, MO.

DEAR GEORGE: Your letter is a hoot, but your numbers don't add up, at least according to my calculations. Also, I don't know what jeweler you consulted in Kansas City, but according to diamond specialist James Kersey at Harry Winston in Beverly Hills (nothing but the best for my readers), a "very nice" one-carat diamond sells for around $10,000.

DEAR ABBY: My husband works in the construction trade and refuses to bathe more than once a week. He has, at times, gone more than two weeks without a shower.

Am I unreasonable to expect him to shower at least every two to three days? -- SLEEPING ALONE IN OREGON

DEAR SLEEPING ALONE: You are not unreasonable. You're in touch with your sense of smell.

You don't say how long you have been married, but I am amazed that you have been able to live with this. For the sake of his health and the health of your marriage, your husband should schedule personal hygiene on a daily basis.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Worried About Dad in New Mexico," I had to tell you about our year from hell.

My father, a severe stroke victim in his mid-80s, nearly lost everything. A woman half his age tricked him into a phony marriage, and into signing quitclaim deeds on his properties and automobile pink slips. She attempted to raid his checking account, savings account and Social Security.

Abby, your advice to "Worried" to take Dad to a doctor for an examination, and to a lawyer to protect his interests, was excellent, but I would add: Report suspected elder financial abuse to the county adult protective services.

While our experiences are more complex than most, there are common threads in both of them and a course of action families can take.

Many elders experience isolation, loneliness, fear of dependence, fear of financial problems, and the tendency to trust people they don't know.

It may be necessary to be confrontational (the downside risk is small in comparison to what might happen), and, if legal action becomes necessary, go for it with gusto. Be sure your attorney is a litigator; cheats and frauds are not frightened off by paper pushing.

Fortunately, we have been successful in court. I now have conservatorship and the marriage is almost nullified. Because there is still ongoing litigation, please sign me ... CLOSE CALL IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CLOSE CALL: I'm pleased your father's close call has a happy ending. He is fortunate to have been blessed with such caring children.

I urge all friends, relatives and neighbors who suspect an older person is being taken advantage of financially to report it before a tragedy occurs.

DEAR ABBY: We have two adorable grandchildren, ages 8 and 10. They visit us once a week for three hours. We play games, they romp on the lawn, and I make hot chocolate.

For the last three weeks, our son has called at the last minute and informed us that the children have "misbehaved," and their punishment is not being allowed to visit us. When we suggested that he find another form of punishment, he said to leave it up to his judgment as to what will hurt the children most.

Is it fair to use "grandparent bonding" as a punishment tool? -- LONELY GRANDMA AND PA

DEAR GRANDMA AND PA: Not being able to see your grandchildren is punishing you as much as the children. Punishment is not supposed to "hurt" a child; it is supposed to reinforce a lesson. Ask your son to relax the punishment and tell him you will talk to your grandchildren about their "misbehavior" and try to discover the root of it.

DEAR ABBY: Would it be cheating on my girlfriend if I engaged the services of a prostitute? There is no emotional involvement. -- WONDERING IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WONDERING: Let me put it this way: Would your girlfriend be cheating if she engaged the services of a male hustler? There's no emotional involvement. Think about it.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)