DEAR ABBY: My son, "Brad," is in first grade in a small private school. When birthday time rolls around, I always invite all the kids. They all show up, but when it comes to returning the invitation, some do -- but most don't. Brad is very hurt when he is excluded from their parties. It seems to me that when you accept an invitation, you should reciprocate.

It's not a matter of money, Abby; the parents can afford to invite all the children. One parent told me she lets her son decide whom to invite and she stays out of it. Isn't this teaching a child that bad manners are acceptable and getting along with each other is not important? My child has also wanted to exclude a particular child. I always say, "No one likes being left out."

I know I can't control what other people do, but I hope this letter reminds parents what it was like to be a child. Life isn't always fair, but at least we can teach our kids proper etiquette. -- PERPLEXED IN VIRGINIA

DEAR PERPLEXED: Even more important than teaching children proper etiquette is teaching them empathy for other people. Unless young people are taught respect for the feelings of others, all the etiquette lessons in the world are wasted.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 73-year-old single lady. I've been alone and lonely for 14 years, ever since my husband died. I recently met a man, "Gerald," who is five years younger than me. His wife died a year ago. Our chemistry is wonderful -- he seems to be the answer to my prayers.

So what's my problem? Gerald wears a vial around his neck that contains some of his wife's ashes. While the thought is sweet and touching, it makes me uncomfortable when he is making love to me. He says he cares for me, and I know I care for him. How should I handle this? -- SECOND TIME AROUND

DEAR SECOND: Tell Gerald you don't want his wife's ashes to come between you. So when he's making love to you, he should remove them from his neck and put them in a place of respect -- preferably out of your range of vision. That should do the trick.

DEAR ABBY: Last Easter, an unfortunate incident occurred in our home. I would like to share it with your readers so they won't suffer the heartbreak we did.

Like so many people, I bought an Easter lily for the holiday. My 6-month-old kitten chewed the ends off a couple of the leaves -- and died on Easter morning.

A few days later, I learned from the poison control center that Easter lilies are highly toxic to felines and cause acute renal failure that results in certain death. They are not toxic to dogs or humans.

Several veterinarians were unaware of this plant's toxicity to cats, and my own veterinarian has it listed as a safe plant.

The plant industry should label toxic plants as such on the care labels so that pet owners won't lose a beloved member of their household in such a preventable way as we did. Your animal-loving readers should write to their state representatives and demand that these warnings be made law. -- SUE VON ESCHEN, ROCKFORD, MICH.

DEAR SUE: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your pet. Your letter is an important one, because many experts are unaware of the danger Easter lilies can pose to felines. I called the Los Angeles poison control center to confirm what you've written. Cat lovers, listen up!

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I recently attended a funeral where I was shocked at some of the clothes worn and the lack of respect shown. (In 1993, my brother died, and one of my cousins wore a dress in such a bright color it hurt my eyes to look at it. She also wore a ring on every finger.) My curiosity was aroused concerning appropriate funeral attire, so I went to the public library and read everything they had on funerals, as well as Miss Manners and Emily Post. Here is what I found:

1. Don't be late.

2. Wear dark clothes.

3. Don't wear more black than the widow.

4. Wear minimal jewelry (wedding band, tasteful earrings, watch, tie tack).

5. Humor is acceptable as long as it's tasteful and low-keyed.

6. If it's acceptable to the family, exes may attend or serve as pallbearers.

7. Family members only are allowed to sit in the family section. (No exes.)

8. The time for hugs and acknowledgments is when the family is receiving guests at the funeral home or at the cemetery -- NOT as people pass by the coffin to pay their last respects to the deceased.

9. Don't bring babies or unruly toddlers.

10. Don't get up and leave during the service.

I hope this will answer some questions for people, so we can all start to show more respect to the families and to the deceased. -- MARIE IN GRAND PRAIRIE, TEXAS

DEAR MARIE: I'm sure your list of do's and don'ts will be of interest to many people. However, I have a personal experience I would like to share with you:

When I was in my 20s, a male contemporary, "Doug," was tragically injured in a boat accident. His injuries were massive and irreversible, and for days his life hung by a thread. Then the inevitable happened and he was gone.

The day before the funeral, I spoke to his girlfriend and asked if she would like to ride to the service with me. When she arrived at my home, she was wearing a bright orange mini-dress. Of course, when we arrived at the chapel for the service, every head turned in her direction, and there were more than a few raised eyebrows. She saw the stares and turned to me with tears in her eyes. "I know they're looking at me because of what I'm wearing," she whispered. "I'm wearing this dress because Doug always loved to see me in it. It was his favorite."

After that, I stopped forming judgments about what people wore to funerals -- and paid more attention to what was in their hearts.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married in September and am faced with a problem. My aunt has asked me if a picture of my grandfather, who recently passed away, may be placed on the altar. The question shocked me. I didn't know how to respond. Is this appropriate? I don't want to make a joyful event depressing. -- BRIDE-TO-BE, NORFOLK, VA.

DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: It doesn't have to be depressing. Placing a small photograph of your grandfather on the altar would be a sensitive and loving gesture. A short reading could be dedicated to your departed grandfather who is with you in spirit -- a sentimental warm-up for the main event.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from a girl named "Mary in Hull, Mass.," who said she was 12 years old, 5 feet tall and about 130 pounds. She didn't like the way she looked and asked you for a diet. I am concerned for her, and for the many other adolescents who have difficulty accepting their bodies. Too much emphasis is placed on physical perfection these days.

I am a seventh- and eighth-grade middle-school health and fitness teacher and coach. Here is what I would like to tell Mary:

(1) Muscle weighs more than fat tissue. Each time you exercise and gain strength, endurance and flexibility, you increase your well-being and develop muscle. Busy kids are happier kids. Stop checking the scale and keep an activity log instead. It's more positive reinforcement.

(2) Please don't compare your body with that of other kids your age. Middle-schoolers (adolescents) range from 4-foot-tall boys to 6-foot-tall girls -- round in sixth grade, tall and lean in eighth grade. Your body is doing some very important development at this time. Check out videos on nutrition from the library. Check out one on anorexia and see how some people deprive their bodies of fuel and important nutrients attempting to achieve "perfection." The result can be bone diseases and problems with the reproductive organs.

Be grateful that you enjoy activities. Do them to have fun, and not specifically to lose weight. Once you decide that you love staying active and that it makes you happy, your body imperfections won't be so important to you. Dwell on the positive. Speak to people -- and yourself -- about positive things.

(3) Don't order "super-size" fast food. (One serving of fries is 150 calories; a super-size is 800.) "Just say no" to doughnuts. Eat more fruits and veggies and less bread. Learn more about nutrition and vitamin sources such as wheat germ. Get videos from the library on yoga, tae bo, aerobics -- and perhaps join the cross-country team at your school. No "cuts" and no bench-warming. Everyone participates -- and you're measured by your personal improvement.

(4) This last one is not about your body or nutrition. VOLUNTEER! Do something special for someone else. This builds self-confidence, and you'll begin to see that there are much more important issues out there to put your energies into.

(5) Make a list of 10 things you would like to do or learn, and then begin.

I'll be thinking of you, Mary! -- TERRIE FROM FRUITPORT, MICH.

DEAR TERRIE: You are a caring educator. Your letter contains a banquet of information not only for Mary, but also for any young person who is interested in health and fitness.

P.S. I have long been a proponent of volunteerism and continuing education. And keeping an activity log is a great idea. Watching one's stamina increase from week to week and month to month provides an incentive to persevere.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)