DEAR ABBY: I am at my wit's end. I don't know if I can go on.

My mother's 64-year-old sister, Aunt "Stella," is suffering from pulmonary disease and can no longer care for herself. I already take care of my bedridden mother in Mom's home that she shares with my children and me, while I hold down a 40-hour-a-week job and single-handedly raise my two teen-agers.

Last evening, Mother asked me to take in Aunt Stella and care for her, because she is estranged from the rest of the family and has little money.

Abby, I am ashamed to admit it, but I hate the woman! Aunt Stella is the most self-centered, uncaring person I have ever known. In spite of her illness, she is never without a cigarette -- even when others are in the car with her.

All my life -- even as an infant and small child -- she was forever stinking up the air with her smoke. She didn't (and still doesn't) care about the safety and comfort of others, as long as she gets to smoke her cigs.

Everyone, including my mother, was afraid to say anything to her about her smoking, because she would become angry and verbally abusive. (No one was going to tell HER what to do!) The few times I spoke up (or lowered the car window so I could breathe) Aunt Stella either scolded or slapped me.

She was at our place for any and all family events. I could not escape her. She was never helpful to my mother or me; just a nuisance.

I love my mother dearly, as I do my children, and do not want them to experience what I suffered all my life. Although terminal, my aunt still smokes as much as she ever has.

Mom's days are short. She is often incoherent, but she does have days when she is really "with it," and I do not want her going to her grave knowing I did not fulfill her deathbed wishes. However, my fear is that Aunt Stella would live on long after Mom passes, and my life -- and my children's -- would be pure hell.

I thought I could place her in a home at some point, but I would have to sell this place to cover the costs of keeping Stella in a facility.

Do you have any ideas, Abby? I'll be watching your column and hoping. Thank you for listening. -- EXHAUSTED AND ANGRY

DEAR EXHAUSTED AND ANGRY: Gently tell your mother that the reality is that you are unable to care for her sister. Your wishes are as important as your mother's, and should be respected.

The state or local agency on aging may be able to suggest other alternatives available to your aunt in her time of need. Call and tell them about your aunt, but make it clear that YOU cannot be responsible for her.

DEAR ABBY: I am a pilot. I fly a private Learjet for a living. I have no fear of flying, but when it comes to getting on a roller coaster or some other thrill ride, I can't bring myself to try it. Please help me understand why. -- JOEY JET, DEERFIELD BEACH, FLA.

DEAR JOEY: I'll hazard a guess. On the amusement park rides you aren't in control, as you are when you're the pilot flying thousands of feet in the air.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My father passed away five years ago. In May, my parents would have been married for 50 years.

My problem is that my mother wants to have a 50th wedding anniversary party in a hall and intends to invite 200 people to the event. She wants to have a head table with her surviving bridesmaids, best man and groomsmen, and she will even have a place setting for my father with his picture on the table, as if he were still here!

Mom has also requested a family photo with all six of us kids and our spouses and children -- which totals 26 people. She wants to be seated on a chair with a large photo of my deceased father beside her, and all of us gathered around her.

I absolutely refuse to participate in any of this, as do my brothers and sisters. We have expressed our feelings to her, but she says she doesn't care and will throw the party herself.

Her friends have phoned me and asked me to talk her out of this, as they also do not want her to make a fool of herself. They expressed that it would be impossible to act as if it were a happy event without my father present.

Abby, Dad died from cancer. It was a slow, hard death. However, my mother will not let his memory rest in peace. Should we let her have her party and grin and bear it, or should we try to convince her how deeply it bothers all of us? -- CONFUSED IN ALBERTA, CANADA

DEAR CONFUSED: What a sad situation. Take one last stab at trying to convince your mother that a small family gathering would be more appropriate than a large celebration. If she refuses to budge, she is either in a stage of dementia, or she hasn't properly dealt with the death of your father. She should be evaluated medically and psychologically at the time of her annual physical exam, if not sooner.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 42-year-old man with three wonderful children. They are all grown and in their 20s. (Yes, we had them young.) I have been married for 23 years and things have been good between my wife and me.

About a year ago, my wife -- who is an accountant -- decided she wanted to try real estate. She took a class, got her license, and now sells real estate part time. She's doing so well at it that she plans on quitting her accounting job soon and concentrating on real estate full time.

My problem is I have been having empty nest syndrome, and now my wife is working every weekend. On week nights, I sit and watch TV by myself while she works away on her computer. On the weekends I try to keep busy doing jobs around the house and cleaning, but I'm bored, lonely and depressed. I have mentioned this to my wife; she says I should find a hobby.

Abby, I don't want a hobby. I want to be with my wife. She absolutely loves her new job and talks about it constantly. I don't want to ask her to quit her job, because she would resent me for it. (And no, I don't want to sell real estate with her.) Any suggestions? -- MISERABLE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MISERABLE: For the sake of your marriage there has to be a compromise. One or both of you must adjust your work schedule to accommodate the other.

P.S. Your wife is correct that you need something to keep you occupied while she's working. You would be far less lonely if you filled those hours with volunteer work. Nothing banishes loneliness like feeling needed.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "Desperate Mother in N.C.," who wanted to terminate the rights of her son's emotionally distant father, including stopping his support payments. My daughter's father also wanted nothing to do with her, and regarded her as a financial burden.

A few years ago, I was scheduled to have surgery and decided it was time I made a will. I was shocked when the attorney told me that no matter what I stated in my will, my daughter's father would have full custody of her if something happened to me. He could even put her up for adoption!

At my request, the attorney helped me to terminate her father's paternal rights. I thought it was sad that in the courtroom, her father asked, "Does this mean I don't have to pay child support?" The judge answered, "Yes." He said, "Then let's get this over with!" and hastily signed the papers. We never saw him again.

Please, "Desperate," do NOT base your child's future on how much money you might lose or gain. I could have used the financial support, but sometimes there are more important things than money. Children are gifts from God, and if you work hard and believe in yourself and God, you'll be guided down the right path. -- DOING FINE IN KANSAS

DEAR DOING FINE: I took a scolding from fathers' rights advocates and single mothers for encouraging "Desperate" to go forward with her decision. However, in instances where the father hasn't bonded with the child and is relieved to be off the hook, and raising the child doesn't create an undue financial burden for the mother, I think it's best for everyone if he's out of the picture. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I did the same thing "Desperate" did 25 years ago. I raised my two children alone until I remarried and my new husband adopted them. There were no problems for 17 years. Then, my ex-husband contacted my 17-year-old son and wanted back in his life big time.

My point: The children did without my ex-husband's support money that was rightfully theirs. Like a bad penny, he turned up and laughed that he had "outsmarted" me.

My advice to "Desperate Mother" is take the support money and put it in the bank for your son's education. -- BEEN THERE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR BEEN THERE: Having not been in your situation, I can't argue with you. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: A judge sets child support based on the parent's ability to pay and the child's needs. The child has a RIGHT to be supported by the parent(s). The mother can't waive the child's support, or rights, or needs.

Abby, your answer was neutral, but the above language sets out the important formula. -- MERRILL STEEB, CIRCUIT JUDGE, ST. JOSEPH, MO.

DEAR JUDGE STEEB: Thank you for your legal expertise. Single mothers, take note. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: So what if "Desperate" doesn't want the father to be part of her son's life? The money he sends is for the kid -- not her! If she doesn't need it, she should tuck it away in a savings plan for her son's education. When the boy gets older, he may want special sports equipment or a musical instrument. Whether "Desperate" likes it or not, this man is the child's natural father. The money she receives will show her son that his father cared for him in his way. -- A GRANDMA IN ARIZONA

DEAR GRANDMA: In his way? Children are not stupid. They know that a parent who cares about them takes time to be with them, and that a loving, responsible parent will give more than a child support payment.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)