DEAR ABBY: A woman in my husband's office buys him gifts. They run the gamut from little personal things to expensive, imported items.

She says they are to thank him for all the times he has listened to her personal problems at work, along with helping her fix things like her car. My husband goes to lunch and out for coffee and smoke breaks with her instead of the men in his office. He has always been open about this.

I have asked him more than once not to be so personally involved with her, but he insists she is "just a friend." Abby, this relationship is hurting our marriage. My husband no longer confides his feelings to me. He saves them for her.

There she is all day looking great and able to share a quiet, oasis-like environment with my husband, while I am at home with three small children and all the chores.

This woman is married with children, too. I'm fuming because I think the extravagant gift-giving is every bit as inappropriate as the relationship. Am I wrong? -- JEALOUS IN JERSEY

DEAR JEALOUS: You and your husband are overdue for a getaway weekend to rekindle the spark. Marriage counseling could also help guide you through the process of reopening the lines of communication between you and your husband. Some changes need to be made in your marriage so that you are not so threatened and you, too, can enjoy more freedom. You'll both be better for it.

DEAR ABBY: I wrote the following note to my 40-year-old daughter:

"Please tell me how we can improve our relationship. It is important that you know how much I want us to have a more normal mother-daughter dialogue. Please tell me what you would have me do and how you want me to go about it. We need to act reasonably, rationally and honestly to resolve our differences. I pray you will agree. It would be so good for both of us."

My daughter replied:

"You already know what to do. I have been asking for the last 10 years. Pay off my old debts with no questions asked. These accounts are 10 years old. I barely get by with my day-to-day expenses. It is obvious that I'll never be able to pay these off myself. So give me the best Christmas and 40th birthday present I could ever have: freedom from debt, and good credit. Once that is done, we will be able to talk about having a better relationship."

Abby, I have helped my daughter financially over the years. She has never invited me to her apartment or prepared me a meal. She has a master's degree in public administration and works for the state.

We have had counseling. I told her I would be happy to pay a financial planner to help her get her life in order, but I would be doing her a disservice by paying her bills. What do you think? -- BEWILDERED IN FLORIDA

DEAR BEWILDERED: I think you have raised a daughter whose sense of entitlement boggles the mind. What you received was an extortion letter. I hope you won't give in to her demands. The solution you are willing to provide for her financial problems makes much more sense than bailing her out again. Stick to your guns and do not allow yourself to be blackmailed. Whatever is wrong with your relationship will not be resolved by giving her money.

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DEAR ABBY: The letter from "At My Wit's End," whose best friend's husband was insanely jealous, prompted me to write.

For 13 years, I was married to a very controlling, much older man. A woman named "Helen" from church would call me occasionally. Since I wasn't allowed to have friends, each time she called, my husband would make a scene in the background. I was extremely embarrassed, but one day she said: "He's trying to run me off. He may have been in your life a long time before me, but I'll be around long after he's gone!"

That statement caused me to review my situation and realize the extent to which I was being controlled. Suddenly, I experienced a feeling of power where before I felt helpless. I came to realize that I was miserable in my marriage, but I had believed it was all my fault. Had it not been for Helen's comment, I might still be in that abusive relationship (which it was).

That was 20 years ago. I divorced him, and my life has changed tremendously since then. Please, Abby, tell "Wit's End" she may be her friend's only link to a new life. -- BEEN THERE IN TEXAS

DEAR BEEN THERE: I'll do better than that. I'll point out that being isolated from friends and family by a partner -- male or female -- is one sign of a potential abuser. Read on for some other signs (adapted with permission from the Project for Victims of Family Violence in Fayetteville, Ark.):

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of, "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper), or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID SEX ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it." If the abuse has gone this far -- it's time to get help or get out!

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DEAR ABBY: I remember the morning being cold. I had arisen early to wash and clean the ambulance. We listened on the radio as our other unit received a call, and I chilled to hear the nature of the response. Without a word or hesitation, my partner and I scrambled to back up their call.

The living room was choked with men, some in fire bunker gear, some in police uniforms. As I brought additional equipment through the crowd, I saw the little boy lying lifeless on the stretcher, his pale skin tinged with blue at the lips.

The paramedic was a trainee, desperately trying to secure the boy's airway and push oxygen into his lungs. A fireman provided compressions to his heart. I glanced out into the back yard and saw an open gate and plastic sheeting strewn across the pool. It was obvious what had happened.

The mother stood paralyzed in the kitchen, unblinking eyes watching for the smallest sign of life. We did an EKG, inserted an IV and did CPR. We were out of the house with him in what seemed seconds, rushing him to the emergency room. Everything appeared to be going as it should.

In the emergency room, the staff moved quickly to treat the small body before them. After all efforts had been expended, the doctor raised a single hand and quietly said, "No."

Silence rippled across the room, even the machines falling quiet.

I walked out of the emergency room, past the parents who alternated between shouting accusations at each other and holding each other as waves of grief overcame them.

I called my brother that night, the one with three children and a big new house with a pool. He probably thought I was strange asking if the gate had been fixed yet.

I keep in touch with the paramedic on that scene, the one who held the boy's life in his hands as it ebbed away. After all these years, we still talk about that tragedy, and it sometimes plays out in our dreams.

Abby, please urge your readers to fence the pool and LOCK THE GATE to save the lives of their children. -- DAN BERGER, LANCASTER, CALIF.

DEAR DAN: I'm pleased to print your dramatic warning. Children are elusive, and it's impossible to watch them every minute. A child can drown in as little as 3 inches of water. Families with swimming pools MUST keep them fenced and securely locked. Otherwise, they are a tragedy waiting to happen.

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Minneapolis Bride-to-Be," essentially affirming that it is acceptable for her to invite a former brother-in-law to her second wedding, was right on!

It should be the quality of the friendship, rather than some antiquated notion of propriety that guides such decisions.

My fiancee and I happily remain an active part of the lives of our former in-laws. They are good people with whom I developed a relationship over a period of several decades. We not only continue to celebrate holidays and birthdays together, but a table is always reserved for we "outlaws" (aka ex-spouses) at family weddings. -- THE MAN FROM MAINE

DEAR MAINE MAN: The "outlaws"? I love it!

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)