DEAR ABBY: I remember the morning being cold. I had arisen early to wash and clean the ambulance. We listened on the radio as our other unit received a call, and I chilled to hear the nature of the response. Without a word or hesitation, my partner and I scrambled to back up their call.

The living room was choked with men, some in fire bunker gear, some in police uniforms. As I brought additional equipment through the crowd, I saw the little boy lying lifeless on the stretcher, his pale skin tinged with blue at the lips.

The paramedic was a trainee, desperately trying to secure the boy's airway and push oxygen into his lungs. A fireman provided compressions to his heart. I glanced out into the back yard and saw an open gate and plastic sheeting strewn across the pool. It was obvious what had happened.

The mother stood paralyzed in the kitchen, unblinking eyes watching for the smallest sign of life. We did an EKG, inserted an IV and did CPR. We were out of the house with him in what seemed seconds, rushing him to the emergency room. Everything appeared to be going as it should.

In the emergency room, the staff moved quickly to treat the small body before them. After all efforts had been expended, the doctor raised a single hand and quietly said, "No."

Silence rippled across the room, even the machines falling quiet.

I walked out of the emergency room, past the parents who alternated between shouting accusations at each other and holding each other as waves of grief overcame them.

I called my brother that night, the one with three children and a big new house with a pool. He probably thought I was strange asking if the gate had been fixed yet.

I keep in touch with the paramedic on that scene, the one who held the boy's life in his hands as it ebbed away. After all these years, we still talk about that tragedy, and it sometimes plays out in our dreams.

Abby, please urge your readers to fence the pool and LOCK THE GATE to save the lives of their children. -- DAN BERGER, LANCASTER, CALIF.

DEAR DAN: I'm pleased to print your dramatic warning. Children are elusive, and it's impossible to watch them every minute. A child can drown in as little as 3 inches of water. Families with swimming pools MUST keep them fenced and securely locked. Otherwise, they are a tragedy waiting to happen.

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Minneapolis Bride-to-Be," essentially affirming that it is acceptable for her to invite a former brother-in-law to her second wedding, was right on!

It should be the quality of the friendship, rather than some antiquated notion of propriety that guides such decisions.

My fiancee and I happily remain an active part of the lives of our former in-laws. They are good people with whom I developed a relationship over a period of several decades. We not only continue to celebrate holidays and birthdays together, but a table is always reserved for we "outlaws" (aka ex-spouses) at family weddings. -- THE MAN FROM MAINE

DEAR MAINE MAN: The "outlaws"? I love it!

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter about women pallbearers, I had to write.

We are a family of six girls. In September 1993, my sister Ethel was diagnosed with cancer. Together, we girls saw Ethel through surgeries, chemo and radiation, and then we took her home to help her through her final months on Earth. During my last visit (I live away), Ethel was planning her funeral. When the subject of pallbearers came up, I told her I intended to act as a pallbearer. Her face lit up. "What if all of you could do that?" she asked. She turned to the funeral director and asked, "Can they?"

Ethel died at home on Oct. 24, 1994, and all her sisters and brothers-in-law wheeled her coffin into the church for her service. As my mother said, "You were all there to help her when she needed it; why shouldn't you help her now?"

It's a memory I'll always treasure. It was the last time all six of us could do something together. -- ETHEL'S SISTER, BANGOR, MAINE

DEAR SISTER: Thank you for sharing such a heartwarming memory. The feedback about that letter has been overwhelmingly positive. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm a woman, and I have served as a pallbearer twice. The first time was for my Aunt Helen. When I asked my Uncle Tony if it would be all right, he seemed surprised, but he agreed. He said he thought Helen would be proud that her niece wanted to do it.

The second time was for my own dear dad. His sudden death rocked my world, and all I wanted was to be "with him" as long as I could.

Both times, people complimented me on a job well done and said they had never before seen a woman pallbearer. That should change. I encourage other women to do it. It was an ideal way to say goodbye. I imagine Aunt Helen and Dad looking down, smiling with pride because I chose to be me. -- RACHEL IN FRANKLIN, MASS.

DEAR RACHEL: I'm sure they were smiling, just as your letter will bring a smile to the faces of countless readers. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I insisted on helping to carry out my mother's casket. I felt that since Mother had carried me for nine months into my life, I could certainly bear her weight and carry her for the last time. I took one of the first two spots in order to be closer to her heart. It gave me an enormous feeling of peace and helped tremendously in my grieving process. -- JANE IN OHIO

DEAR JANE: I'm sure it was both comforting and empowering to act decisively during such a painful time. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: What's the big deal about female pallbearers? By the time I was 13, I had been asked to do it four times. When I was 9, a 6-month-old baby boy died. His parents asked four neighbor girls to be pallbearers at their infant son's funeral. Six months later, an 18-month-old baby boy died and all four of us were asked to serve as pallbearers again. At 11, I was a pallbearer for a 9-year-old girl from my Sunday school class.

I'm now 81, and I'll never forget those experiences from my youth. All of us were proud to help with something so important. -- HONORED IN SANTA ANA, CALIF.

DEAR HONORED: Your letter should put to rest the idea that women pallbearers are a recent phenomenon. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The letter about the female pallbearer brought back the memory of a story my grandma told me about a woman who was planning her funeral back in the '40s. She insisted she wanted women to carry her casket when she died. Her reason: Since men didn't take her out while she was living, she didn't want them carrying her out when she was dead. -- BETTY IN FLORIDA

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Kelly in Temecula," whose dog died as a result of eating a kitchen towel, touched my heart. I have been an emergency and critical-care veterinarian for many years, and her story is not uncommon. However, your warning left out an important point.

In her letter, Kelly said that for two or three days her dog wouldn't eat or drink, was lethargic and vomiting. Abby, if a dog vomits once and returns to normal, that's OK. However, if it vomits and is lethargic and anorexic, or vomits multiple times, the situation becomes an emergency.

Do not wait until it is convenient to see your family vet. Prompt medical care can be lifesaving, and also cost-effective. In almost every area of the country, there are qualified emergency veterinary hospitals to help your pet at night and on weekends, or even when your vet is booked up during the day.

Emergency vets work with your family vet -- we do not compete. If your pet is stable and can wait to be seen by your family vet, you will be given that option. Consider the emergency examination fee a small price to pay for your peace of mind.

Emergency facilities can be found in the yellow pages of the phone book or by calling your family vet's office at any time. Most will have an after-hours answering machine with instructions and referrals to the nearest emergency hospital that they recommend. All emergency hospitals are happy to give advice over the phone, help you determine the seriousness of the situation, and even recommend first aid. That is our job.

The phone number of a local emergency animal hospital is one all pet owners should keep handy. Many emergency hospitals give out free refrigerator magnets for this purpose. -- MITZI M. HOWARD, D.V.M.

DEAR DR. HOWARD: It has been many years since I was a pet owner, and I was not aware that this terrific service existed. I'll bet many of my readers are also unaware of it.

Thank you for a letter that is sure to be a real lifesaver not only for a four-footed friend, but also its two-footed guardian.

DEAR ABBY: I am engaged to be married in August. My fiance, "Dexter," wants a simple courthouse wedding. I want a traditional wedding. I have compromised and am trying to keep it as cheap as possible -- under $2,000.

Dexter will have nothing to do with the planning because he thinks it is a waste of money. How can I make him understand that a nice wedding is important to me? This is supposed to be the biggest and best event of our lives. -- LORRAINE IN MISSOURI

DEAR LORRAINE: Your fiance's values are very different from yours. You have compromised for him, and he should be willing to do the same for you. Before making any more wedding plans, please consider this: If you can't reach a "happy" compromise about your wedding, what will your future be like with this man?

CONFIDENTIAL TO "GYM-PHOBIC" IN GALVESTON: Follow your doctor's orders and try again. Keep repeating the following mantra: "Behind every beautiful woman is a beautiful behind." Take it from me -- it works!

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)