DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are expecting our first child in two months. I have been reading parent and child safety books, and several topics have come up that concern me.

My in-laws live in an old house that appears to be structurally unsafe. It has unusually steep stairwells, peeling paint on the walls that I fear may be lead-based -- and over all, the place is filthy. They also have a dog who has a history of biting people -- myself and my husband included.

Once, a few years ago, my husband and I stayed in a motel rather than with them, and we still haven't heard the end of it!

I am concerned for our child's safety. Is there a nice way of telling my in-laws that we will not be bringing our new baby to their home for visits? (Please don't use my name or location. I have enough grief from my mother-in-law as it is.) -- DISTRESSED FIRST-TIME MOM

DEAR DISTRESSED: There is no "nice" way to tell your in-laws that their house is a health hazard and their beloved pet is a menace. Express your concerns, advise them of your decision, and don't back down.

Your baby's welfare must come first -- and it's your responsibility as parents to protect your child. Invite them to visit the baby in YOUR home -- sans the dog.

DEAR ABBY: Last year, my husband went into business with a close friend. Since then, he refuses to let me see any financial statements, including the 1099 form used for filing income taxes. He says my wanting to see these records proves I don't trust him.

I love him and want to believe him, but I have my doubts. His partner's wife told me my husband is lying. She says he earns far more than he tells me. I've never seen a payroll stub.

Every week, he gives me money to pay the bills and buy groceries. In turn, I give him "pocket money" for the week -- usually $5 to $10 a day. He says he's glad I take the money because I manage it well.

Abby, why would he lie to me? Shouldn't married people know each other's incomes? -- FEELING UNEASY IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR FEELING UNEASY: Your husband's reluctance to show you financial statements indicates that he doesn't trust YOU with the knowledge of his true financial status. Of course married couples should know where they stand financially.

Refuse to sign any tax forms unless you have reviewed them and understand them completely. You are as liable as your husband is for any inaccuracies or misinformation. If your husband gives you an argument, consult a lawyer.

DEAR ABBY: I have been sworn to secrecy by my husband's 70-year-old grandmother. She was recently diagnosed with emphysema, and she doesn't want me to tell the family.

I am torn because I think my husband and his family should be emotionally and financially prepared. On the other hand, she swore me to secrecy because she doesn't want to be a burden to the family. Please help. -- PERPLEXED IN COLORADO

DEAR PERPLEXED: It's unfair for you to carry this burden of secrecy. Talk to her doctor and ask him or her to encourage Grandma to tell her family the whole truth now.

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DEAR ABBY: I'm a 34-year-old mother of four kids, ages 17 to 6. My 9-year-old boy has been raised by my mother since he was 6 months old. I was in the middle of a divorce when he was born. I wanted to give him up for adoption, but Mother would not have it. I usually never let my mother make decisions for me, but in that case, I thought she might be right. My dad, mother and older sister took the baby and moved away.

Three years ago, they all moved back into the subdivision in which I live with my second husband and three other kids. Dad died four months later. My sister (age 50) died the following year. Now my 76-year-old mother -- who does not drive -- depends on my two older brothers and me to get around.

My brothers won't allow Mother to move in with them unless she gives my son back to me, because their children are grown and gone. She said, "Over my dead body." Now she is asking my husband and me to sell our home so we can buy a bigger one with her.

Abby, I'm not sure I can handle my mother living with us, constantly checking on me and my every move. My husband and I like to have time alone. We can't afford to do much, so we let the kids stay overnight with friends so we can have the house to ourselves. Mother told me it's wrong to have sex in the middle of the day, and that I should spend all my waking hours with the kids until they're grown. Only then will I have time alone with my husband. I told her that may have been good for her, but it's not for me.

What do you think? -- TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING

DEAR TRYING: While I understand your mother's firm stance in not "giving back" her grandchild, what she is proposing is a recipe for disaster. Do NOT buy a home with her unless it is a duplex or one that includes a separate mother-in-law unit. Privacy is essential to your marriage, and your mother's ideas, while they may have worked for her, are outdated.

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Hurting in New York," I feel compelled to share my story. Her son's wife had died, but "Hurting" didn't attend the calling hours at the mortuary because there had been a falling-out after the family business split up.

Several years ago, my husband and his father also parted ways in business. He spoke to his father only if absolutely necessary. I didn't talk to anybody. A few years later, our son was killed in an accident, and my mother-in-law was one of the first people at our door. She wrapped her arms around me, and we cried together. Many years before, she had lost a son, too, and I knew she understood my pain more than anyone. Our relationship isn't perfect now, but it's much better than it was.

I know "Hurting" was trying to do the right thing in a difficult situation, but times of grief often give us the opportunity to say, "I'm sorry," in more ways than one. -- HEALING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR HEALING: Your argument is a compelling one, and you may very well be right. However, I caution people who are trying to bridge a family rift during an emotionally charged situation to be prepared for at least the possibility of another rejection.

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DEAR ABBY: "Stan" and I have been married 45 years. He was always a loving and attentive husband. Two years ago, things began to change.

I had a best friend I'll call Clara who was like a sister to me. Stan, Clara and her husband and I would often go to dinner. We were a close foursome. Unfortunately, Clara's husband was diagnosed with advanced cancer. He had to be hospitalized many times. Clara and I would walk together in the mornings before she went to the hospital. It seemed to help her face the day. Stan asked to join us, and the three of us would walk and go to breakfast, sometimes at her house.

As time went on, Clara opened up to Stan, and he would tell her things to make her feel good about herself. Well, one thing led to another. They would communicate on the computer day and night, sharing their feelings.

Abby, they fell in love.

Clara's husband passed away a few months ago. Now Stan says he has two women to worry about. Clara has told people at work that Stan is her boyfriend. He has told her she is his girlfriend, and if she ever found someone else "it would break his heart."

He takes her to lunch and they often spend the day together. He says all they do is talk, but he finally admitted they hug and kiss each other.

I have begged Stan to end the situation. He refuses. He says it's going to be like this from now on. He tells me he loves both of us and can't give either one of us up.

He blames me and says I should have told him to stop before it got out of hand. He says it's the first time in our entire married life that he has fallen in love with another woman. He feels no guilt because he says nothing sexual is going on.

My stomach is in a constant knot, and I cry all the time. They both know how hurt I am and say they feel bad about it, but it hasn't stopped them from being together. Please advise me about what to do. -- DEVASTATED IN DELAWARE

DEAR DEVASTATED: Whether anything sexual is going on between your husband and Clara is almost beside the point. What IS going on is a full-blown affair of the heart, and because of it your marriage will never be the same. The two people closest to you have betrayed your trust. Particularly outrageous is your husband's insistence that this is your fault because you should have told him to stop sooner. Talk about blaming the victim!

Consult an attorney to determine what your rights are as a wronged Delaware wife with 45 years of equity in her marriage. Then ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist who can give you the emotional support you need as you decide how to deal with this. Insist your husband join you. If you have adult children, talk to them about what is going on. Do not isolate yourself. You have a right to be angry. Decide nothing in haste. Give yourself one year to decide what is best for you.

DEAR ABBY: Is it proper to send a thank-you note to an attorney and a county prosecutor for working out a deal that had charges against you dismissed? Please help. -- NEEDS TO KNOW ASAP, GRENADA, MISS.

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW ASAP: Absolutely! One good turn deserves another.

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