DEAR ABBY: Please print this so "Out in the Cold Up North" can see it. She's the 14-year-old girl who thinks she should have sex because her friends do.

I felt the same way she does when I was 14. My reason was very similar -- to be like my friends. That decision was the worst I ever made. I am now 18 and have a sexually transmitted disease I can't get rid of.

When you're young, you don't think something like an STD can happen to you, but I'm here to tell you it CAN. I live in pain every day -- emotionally and physically -- and if I could make one wish, it would be to take back my decision.

I hope that girl realizes there are plenty of other ways to fit in. Sex doesn't have to be one of them. Next time she's tempted to have sex in order to be popular, she should remember, "What is popular is not always right -- and what is right is not always popular." -- ANNONY-MISS IN HELENA, MONT.

DEAR "MISS": I hope "Out in the Cold" heeds your advice. If you aren't already receiving support in coping with your STD, you would be wise to contact the American Social Health Association (ASHA). The organization can be very helpful. Write: ASHA, P.O. Box 13827, Research Triangle Park, N.C. 27709. The Web address is www.ashastd.org. And there's a special Web site for teens, filled with helpful information: www.iwannaknow.org. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Please urge that girl not to have sex because her friends are doing it! When I was 14, I decided to have sex with someone I thought I loved. He, on the other hand, wanted to have sex with a virgin. I regret the decision to this day. Needless to say, the guy told all his friends, and they all tried to have sex with me, too. I have had 10 partners since then, and I'm 18.

I have been married to my last partner for a year, and we have a newborn daughter. I don't regret the family I have, but I would rather go out with my friends and have fun than stay home.

I'm not saying this will happen to "Out in the Cold," but she might end up pregnant and the guy won't care. Every time she has sex with someone, a part of herself will be taken away, and she'll regret it. Sex isn't a solution to anything; it just brings more problems to a teen-ager's life.

I wish I had waited until I met my husband, because then I wouldn't have all the heartbreak and pain that I do now. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT

DEAR BEEN THERE: If you can possibly arrange to have some counseling to come to terms with your guilt and pain, I urge you to do so. It will greatly improve your life. Ask your doctor to refer you, or seek out a family services center where fees are based on your ability to pay. Your county's department of mental health may also be able to refer you to affordable counseling, as can the United Way. Please check it out. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I agree with you that "Out in the Cold" should thank her lucky stars that she hasn't been subjected to the pressure her friends have. When I made the choice not to have sex until I was married, I channeled my energies into studying, working and earning an advanced degree. I cultivated many rewarding relationships with family and friends along the way. I found there were many nice young men who were looking for nice young women -- and there still are. That girl needs some new friends.

There is a growing movement of teens who are committing themselves to purity before marriage. It may seem hard now -- but if she will just enjoy her current status, she'll have a far happier life. -- MARIETTA, GA., READER

DEAR READER: I am aware that many teen-agers are signing purity pledges these days and wearing promise rings that signify their determination to remain that way. However, I seldom hear from them because they are not the ones having problems.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Six months ago, my 31-year-old daughter and her 40-year-old boyfriend moved in with my husband and me. They have financial problems. We didn't ask them for money, but did expect them to help around the house.

I just had an argument with my daughter over the fact she works only 15 hours a week and does nothing to maintain the house. My husband and I are in our late 50s and both work full time.

We don't expect them to scrub floors every day, but it certainly wouldn't hurt them to vacuum, shovel snow and pick up after themselves. I know we should have set ground rules when they moved in, but we figured since they were adults they didn't need to be told what to do.

Abby, are we wrong expecting them to help around the house? -- GETTING MAD IN MICHIGAN

DEAR GETTING MAD: Not at all. Lay down the law NOW and tell your freeloading daughter and her boyfriend exactly what you expect from them.

P.S. If your daughter worked a traditional 35- to 40-hour week, they'd solve their financial problems much faster -- and the faster they could move into their own place.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 34-year-old single male, never married. I recently met a woman I want to marry, but here is my problem: She wants a big wedding, and it makes me uncomfortable.

I have no close male friends, so I would have a hard time finding a best man, much less groomsmen. Also, I don't have a good relationship with my family, so I don't think many guests on my side would attend. Because of this, I think a big wedding would be embarrassing. Her family would think I am a loser. Any suggestions? -- TIED UP IN KNOTS

DEAR TIED UP: One of the most important ingredients in a successful marriage is communication. Tell your fiancee how you feel. A wedding is for both the bride AND groom. It shouldn't be a fantasy created only by the bride. Therefore, she may have to alter her dream wedding to conform with reality.

P.S. If you are unhappy not having male friends, you may have self-esteem issues that need to be explored. Please consider counseling to resolve them.

DEAR ABBY: Everyone has heard the saying, "Don't drink and drive." Well, here's a new one: "Don't drink and COOK!"

Late last night the fire alarm in our condo complex went off. The hallway was filled with smoke. The firemen arrived and traced the smoke to the unit next door to mine.

After banging on the door and getting no response, they broke down the door. Inside, they found two guys "asleep." They had been cooking something on the stove, got drunk and passed out.

So, if you cook, please don't drink -- and if you drink, please don't cook! -- STEAMING IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR STEAMING: I'm sure you're still steaming, but you're lucky you were not burned up -- literally. I hope your neighbors learned from that expensive lesson. They could have died from smoke inhalation had the fire department not responded in time.

A drunk in the kitchen is a danger to property, life and limb. In an apartment house or condominium complex, the danger is compounded because the neighbors are also vulnerable.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I must comment on the letter you reprinted from "Your Son's Wife" about grandparents who don't buy gifts of equal value for their grandchildren. I am a grandfather who would like to treat each of my grandchildren equally, but I don't. Here's why:

One of my daughters-in-law is loving and respectful toward my wife and me as grandparents, has taught her children good manners and, in short, is a joy to all of us.

My other daughter-in-law has done exactly the opposite. Much as we might like to, we do not treat this granddaughter the same as her cousins. Of course, this granddaughter is not responsible for her mother's conduct, but she suffers the consequences in more ways than one. In short, she's spoiled, and it shows.

If a son's wife feels her children's paternal grandparents don't treat her children as well as they treat their cousins, I suggest the son's wife do some soul-searching. Perhaps she'll find the reason lies, at least in part, in the different relationship she and the other son's wife have established with their husbands' parents. -- H.C. IN TAMPA

DEAR H.C.: I hate to see children suffer for the sins of the parents. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My grandmotherly reaction to the letter from "Your Son's Wife" is that many times -- but not in all cases -- sons' wives are the carpenters of their own crosses. Perhaps unintentionally, they don't encourage their children to treat their paternal grandmothers with as much attention and respect as is accorded maternal grandmothers. THIS grandmother finally decided to treat grandchildren as they treat her! -- TOUGH-LOVE GRANDMA, HOULTON, MAINE

DEAR TOUGH LOVE: Please read the reply to H.C. (above). Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have a few questions for "Son's Wife":

-- Do you treat your mother-in-law the same as you treat your own mother?

-- Do your children write thank-you notes and show appreciation when they receive gifts?

-- Do you involve your mother-in-law in activities such as school programs?

-- Do your children take care of their toys and clothes, or do they lose pieces and break toys?

-- Do you buy so many things for your children that they cannnot appreciate what others give them?

Perhaps there's a reason for the favoritism. -- ALSO HURTING, MAYFIELD VILLAGE, OHIO

DEAR ALSO HURTING: A parent who has a bone to pick with a child or in-law should verbalize it rather than making the grandchildren bear the brunt of their passive-aggressive anger. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I had to laugh when I read the letter from "Your Son's Wife." For years, we have laughed with our children about not being their grandmother's favorites. We have accepted the fact that being a stepgrandchild brings with it consequences: fewer gifts, less attention and support at events, and less recognition of accomplishments.

Life is not always fair. Sometimes we have to realize that's the way it is and find humor in the situation. Parents will defend themselves and their actions to the end. What we can do is recognize something we don't appreciate in a parent -- AND BE SURE WE NEVER REPEAT IT. -- BEEN DOWN THAT ROAD, ST. GEORGE, UTAH

DEAR BEEN DOWN THAT ROAD: I admire you for your perspective. That's excellent advice.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)