DEAR ABBY: I am a teen who self-injures. I cut myself and hurt myself constantly, and I also tried to kill myself. I'm depressed all the time and so stressed it makes me sick. I hear a voice that tells me things, and it says if I tell anyone about it, it will kill me. Please help me. -- DESPERATE IN SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA

DEAR DESPERATE: The voice you're hearing is a symptom of your illness. If you keep secret the fact that you're hearing a voice, the voice will become stronger. The best advice I can give you, and this is from the heart, is to tell your parents or another trusted adult what you are experiencing. Your problems can be overcome, but not without professional intervention. You need medical and psychiatric help right away. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "Jamie's Family," about the 11-year-old girl who was killed in an auto accident while reclining in the front seat of the car. I was stunned when I read their letter.

I would like to let that family know that she did not die in vain. Although I don't do it frequently, I have allowed my 11-year-old son to do the same thing. You can be certain I'll never do it again.

A heartfelt thank-you to Jamie's family for taking the time to send a letter that I'm sure was difficult to write. They may have saved the life of at least one other 11-year-old today -- mine. -- GRATEFUL MOM IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR GRATEFUL MOM: Several readers have reminded me that new-car operating manuals warn against reclining in the seat while a vehicle is in motion. Although nothing can lessen their grief, I am sure that Jamie's family will find some degree of comfort in knowing they have averted a possible tragedy. Thank you for speaking up.

DEAR ABBY: My parents are in their 80s, in moderately good health, and live a modest lifestyle. They are active and youthful in many ways. We children and grandchildren love them dearly and look forward to spending time with them.

Our relationship is sustained by mutual enjoyment instead of guilt. They have many old friends and constantly make new ones. What is it about my folks that draws people to them? What makes them so popular with people of all ages? Here's the answer:

-- They listen more than they talk.

-- They rarely complain about anything.

-- They show a genuine interest in others by asking meaningful questions without being judgmental.

-- They live in the present, and although they appreciate the "good ol' days," they don't dwell on them.

-- They enjoy young people and recognize that each generation has both good and bad.

-- They are fun and interesting to talk to because they are learning new things and want to share them with us.

-- And finally, they can laugh at themselves. Growing old can be a real grind, but through it all, they find a little humor.

Relationships are a two-way street, and a lifelong endeavor. I hope that when I'm as old as my parents I will be like them. -- LUCKY DAUGHTER IN MINNESOTA

DEAR DAUGHTER: Your parents sound like wonderful people. However, the traits that make them sought after apply not only to seniors, but to people of all ages. So if you want to be the kind of person your parents are when you reach the age of 80, start practicing now.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am engaged to a wonderful man who lives in a neighboring state, roughly six hours away. We see each other by taking turns driving on the weekends. One weekend he drives here, another I drive there. He has a steady job with a generous salary and a son he would be unable to move because the mother has custody and won't permit it. I have two children, 11 and 3, and want to relocate to his area.

My problem is my 11-year-old son, who insists he wants to live with me but doesn't want to move away. He has never visited the area, but is convinced he will hate it. His father is no help and tells our son he will never get to see his friends or family. I don't feel comfortable letting my son stay here with his father because of his past drug and alcohol abuse, and because he works 14-hour night shifts and lives in a one-bedroom apartment. I don't think he can give our son the time or upbringing he needs.

My son has a great relationship with my fiance, but doesn't want to move to his area. I have insisted my son go and at least give it a chance. This is tearing me apart.

Is it wrong or selfish of me to insist my son go with me when he has expressed that he doesn't want to relocate? -- STUCK IN NEWARK, N.J.

DEAR STUCK: Not at all, considering the alternative of leaving him where you presently live, in the care of a single parent who is absent 14 hours at a crack.

While your son's fears about leaving the familiar and moving to another state are understandable, you cannot allow your child to make this decision for you. Your husband is unable to provide for the boy, and there really is no other choice for him.

Tell your son that you insist he go with you and at least give his new surroundings a chance. Give him your assurance he will see his friends and family, and that he can call and correspond by e-mail. Arrange for his friends to visit in his new home occasionally. And hope that his father will also come to see his son.

If, after one year, your son still "hates" it, promise to discuss what his other options might be.

P.S. If the boy appears to have trouble adjusting, get him counseling immediately.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I just returned from a two-day visit at the home of our son and daughter-in-law. They have two guest rooms. Ours is a loving marriage and we like to sleep in the same bed. The room with the double bed was given to our daughter-in-law's widowed mother. We were put in the guest room with two single beds.

No explanation was given as to why we were assigned the room with the two single beds. We felt it was a deliberate choice made by our daughter-in-law, and it hurt us deeply. It made us feel unwelcome in their home.

We would still like to visit them, but are tempted to stay in a hotel next time. Have you any suggestions as to how this should be handled in the future? -- COZY COUPLE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR COZY: I don't think your son and daughter-in-law meant any offense. But don't take this lying down. The next time you plan to visit your son and daughter-in-law, request the double bed. If it is already spoken for, arrange to stay at a hotel where you'll be comfortable.

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DEAR ABBY: I recently discovered that a mentally disabled woman who attends our church has become suicidal. She's a warm, friendly, bright individual whose company I thoroughly enjoyed. I have even been a visitor in her home.

The realization that she has considered taking her own life has me so upset that I find myself wanting to avoid her. This doesn't make me feel very good about myself, because she has few friends and waits for my greeting each Sunday. My sensitivity is defeating my good intentions of trying to welcome her in a spirit of love and acceptance.

How do I keep from being just another Judas to complicate her already difficult life? I believe in the power of love to heal, but have I overestimated my own spiritual strength to deal with this? I feel trapped by my own good intentions.

How do I handle this? Please help me. -- WELL-MEANING CHURCHGOER, DENVER

DEAR WELL-MEANING: Why are you running away? Unless the woman confided her suicidal thoughts to you, it may not be true. Even if it is true, her depression is not contagious. There is no reason to stop being friendly with her at church. It may be one of the few positive things she has going in her life.

"Healing her" is not your responsibility. While I, too, believe in the power of love to create positive change, your love cannot possibly cure her chronic depression. Medical intervention is required for that.

The most supportive thing you can do for that dear woman would be to greet her lovingly when you see her, tell your clergyperson what you have discovered, and see to it that she seeks medical and psychological attention if she is, indeed, suicidal.

DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter about which hand you should hold your knife and fork in. In Europe, people eat with the knife in their right hand and the fork in their left. It reminded me of a good story about this:

During World War II, an American pilot was shot down over France. He landed in his parachute, and the French underground found him and tried to sneak him across the border to safety. During the journey, they stopped to eat in a cafe. He cut up his food with his knife and then picked up the fork in his right hand to eat. This identified him as an American. He was captured by the Germans and spent the rest of the war in a prison camp. -- DONALD D. GROSS, MSG. (RET.), U.S. ARMY

DEAR DONALD: He should have heeded the old saying, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do," and learned more about the customs of the country he was trying to escape.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly. My husband, who is the executor, has her cremated remains in our home. It was agreed that when all of the children and their spouses were ready, her ashes would be dispersed with all of the family present.

Now one of the sisters wants to open the container that holds the ashes and scoop some out to be put in trinket boxes for the other sisters. I feel this is very disrespectful, and that the container should be opened only once -- when everyone is present -- and only when it's time to disperse all of the ashes. What do you think? -- APPALLED DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

DEAR APPALLED: I see nothing disrespectful about saving a few of your mother-in-law's ashes, if any of her surviving "children" think it will be comforting. Please try not to be judgmental. There are no hard-and-fast rules when it comes to grieving, and if having the ashes will ease your sister-in-law's grief, I see no harm in it.

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