DEAR ABBY: I recently discovered that a mentally disabled woman who attends our church has become suicidal. She's a warm, friendly, bright individual whose company I thoroughly enjoyed. I have even been a visitor in her home.

The realization that she has considered taking her own life has me so upset that I find myself wanting to avoid her. This doesn't make me feel very good about myself, because she has few friends and waits for my greeting each Sunday. My sensitivity is defeating my good intentions of trying to welcome her in a spirit of love and acceptance.

How do I keep from being just another Judas to complicate her already difficult life? I believe in the power of love to heal, but have I overestimated my own spiritual strength to deal with this? I feel trapped by my own good intentions.

How do I handle this? Please help me. -- WELL-MEANING CHURCHGOER, DENVER

DEAR WELL-MEANING: Why are you running away? Unless the woman confided her suicidal thoughts to you, it may not be true. Even if it is true, her depression is not contagious. There is no reason to stop being friendly with her at church. It may be one of the few positive things she has going in her life.

"Healing her" is not your responsibility. While I, too, believe in the power of love to create positive change, your love cannot possibly cure her chronic depression. Medical intervention is required for that.

The most supportive thing you can do for that dear woman would be to greet her lovingly when you see her, tell your clergyperson what you have discovered, and see to it that she seeks medical and psychological attention if she is, indeed, suicidal.

DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter about which hand you should hold your knife and fork in. In Europe, people eat with the knife in their right hand and the fork in their left. It reminded me of a good story about this:

During World War II, an American pilot was shot down over France. He landed in his parachute, and the French underground found him and tried to sneak him across the border to safety. During the journey, they stopped to eat in a cafe. He cut up his food with his knife and then picked up the fork in his right hand to eat. This identified him as an American. He was captured by the Germans and spent the rest of the war in a prison camp. -- DONALD D. GROSS, MSG. (RET.), U.S. ARMY

DEAR DONALD: He should have heeded the old saying, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do," and learned more about the customs of the country he was trying to escape.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly. My husband, who is the executor, has her cremated remains in our home. It was agreed that when all of the children and their spouses were ready, her ashes would be dispersed with all of the family present.

Now one of the sisters wants to open the container that holds the ashes and scoop some out to be put in trinket boxes for the other sisters. I feel this is very disrespectful, and that the container should be opened only once -- when everyone is present -- and only when it's time to disperse all of the ashes. What do you think? -- APPALLED DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

DEAR APPALLED: I see nothing disrespectful about saving a few of your mother-in-law's ashes, if any of her surviving "children" think it will be comforting. Please try not to be judgmental. There are no hard-and-fast rules when it comes to grieving, and if having the ashes will ease your sister-in-law's grief, I see no harm in it.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My grandfather is an amazing man. He served his country during World War II. He postponed his dreams to give his five children a better life. He and my grandmother sacrificed and saved so that their children would have the chance to go to college and emerge debt-free. He is the kindest and gentlest person I have ever known.

Last summer, at the age of 84, he almost died of a still undiagnosed blood disorder. What saved his life were multiple transfusions of donated blood. Since that time, he has returned to the hospital for further transfusions and is doing fine.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of the people who gave their time and their blood so that my grandfather could live. Thank you for giving him the opportunity to meet and fall in love with his first great-grandchild. Thank you for giving Grandpa his 62nd wedding anniversary and his 85th birthday. Thank you for allowing his extended family to gather in celebration of Christmas. Thank you for every day that you have given our family the chance to absorb more of his wisdom.

Abby, please ask your readers to take the time to save a grandpa, a child, a stranger or a relative. Give blood. -- KRISTA L. THORNTON, NASHVILLE, TENN.

DEAR KRISTA: Thank you for your eloquent letter. A pint of blood is easy and painless to give, and it can literally mean the difference between life and death. Readers, if you won't do it for yourselves, consider doing it in the memory of a loved one who didn't make it.

Contact the nearest Red Cross Center by looking in your telephone book or asking the information operator, or call 1-888-256-6388 for the location of your nearest community-focused blood center.

DEAR ABBY: As a child protective social worker and parent-education instructor, I would like to add to your advice to "Concerned Knoxville Mom" whose 10-year-old daughter answers the door when she shouldn't and leaves the door unlocked. None of this is unusual for a 10-year-old left unsupervised for even short periods.

"Concerned Mom's" daughter is saying by her behavior that she is not ready to handle the responsibility of supervising herself for even a short time. A 10-year-old child should not be left unsupervised. It's often too tempting for a child that age to take advantage of his or her "freedom" and try to get away with things they wouldn't get away with when a parent is around.

You should have advised "Concerned Mom" to ask a trusted relative, a friend or neighbor to allow the child to stay at his or her home for the brief period before "Concerned Mom" comes home from work. She should also check with her local welfare department or child protective services about financial assistance for child care. These agencies can direct her to after-school care programs or, if necessary, can even certify a relative, friend or neighbor, after completing a background check and evaluating his or her home, making this alternative caregiver eligible to receive compensation through state child-care funds.

If "Concerned Mom" looks hard enough, she can find alternatives to leaving her 10-year-old daughter at home alone. -- CHILD PROTECTIVE SOCIAL WORKER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SOCIAL WORKER: What a helpful letter. I'm sure it will interest many parents of latchkey children from coast to coast who are unaware of the potential help that is available to them.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am an educated middle-aged woman who has not worked outside the home since my first child was born 12 years ago. My husband, "Jack," is a respected physician who makes a good living. We have two daughters, ages 11 and 9. Jack loves the girls and tries to make time for them in his busy work schedule. His career is demanding. Over the years it has taken more and more from him in terms of time, energy and emotions, which is why I have chosen to be at home. Jack has given up many of the things he used to do for fun and relaxation because he is tired all the time.

My husband has become an angry, depressed man. He manages to hide it at work and functions very well. But when he is home, he is controlling and complains constantly.

I have repeatedly asked him to see a therapist and consider taking an anti-depressant, but he absolutely refuses to do either. He says he can manage his problems. He can't. His constant criticism has killed any feelings I had for him. I am not interested in his thoughts or opinions, and I'm certainly not interested in having sex with him, which I do to keep the peace.

Jack says he is happy with me and doesn't want another wife. I am NOT happy with him and I don't want another husband. It's too much work!

If we didn't have children I would leave. But how can I take my daughters away from their father? If I left him, I wouldn't know what to do to support myself since I no longer have any marketable skills. I'm afraid he'd be so angry he would leave me financially destitute.

Abby, I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. -- TIRED OF IT ALL

DEAR TIRED: Leaving isn't an option. Your husband needs you. You have described symptoms of chronic depression, and your husband needs professional help. Although it hasn't yet affected his work, if it continues, it will.

Try again to convince him to get the help he needs. Remind him of how things used to be between the two of you before he became self-protective and defensive. Do not be confrontational. Tell him you love him. Remind him how important he is to his daughters, that as a family you need his support, not his criticism.

If that has no effect, talk to one of his close and trusted colleagues, preferably one who is trained in mental health disorders, about the change in his behavior. Depression is an illness, and he or she may be able to convince him, in a way you can't, to get help.

Medication and counseling do wonders in the treatment of depression. The sooner it is treated, the faster the patient (or doctor) gets better.

DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, my mother sent me a birthday card with a penny inside. She died recently, and I'm still wondering why she sent me just a penny.

Is there an old adage connected to giving someone a penny as a gift? -- DAUGHTER OF A FRUGAL MOM

DEAR DAUGHTER: Have you never heard of "a penny for luck"? Your mother included the penny because she was wishing you good luck.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)