DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been blessed with a beautiful daughter we adopted from another country. When we go out, we hear a variety of comments from strangers. Some of them -- while well-meaning -- are potentially hurtful to our little girl.

I am writing in the hope that sharing our point of view will help others to be more sensitive to adoptive families:

-- Please DON'T ask if I have children of my own. My daughter IS my own. If you must ask about other siblings, a better term is "biological children."

-- Please DON'T ask about my daughter's birth family and why they are not raising her. These are issues I wish to discuss with her privately, in my own time.

-- Please DON'T make disparaging remarks about my daughter's country of origin, regardless of how you feel about their customs or government policies. My daughter needs to hear positive things about her culture of origin. Many of the negative comments I have received have been untrue or one-sided.

-- Please DON'T ask how much my daughter "cost." While adoption fees are expensive, so are hospital bills for labor and delivery. The difference is, many people have either insurance or public assistance to help them pay hospital bills; adoptive families have little equivalent to help to pay adoption fees. I did not "buy" my child through adoption fees any more than a family who pays hospital bills for the birth of a biological child has bought theirs. If you are truly interested in adoption costs, your local adoption agency or an adoption Internet site can provide those answers.

-- Please DON'T tell me I got my daughter the "easy way." Adoption has its own unique challenges. Like any parent, adoptive parents consider their struggles worthwhile, given the end result. However, adoption, like childbirth, can be both wonderful and difficult.

-- Please DON'T ask me about my fertility status. I would rather not discuss it with a stranger.

And to the many kind, discreet and polite people I have met -- thank you for your positive comments and encouraging words. They warmed my heart. -- BLESSED THROUGH ADOPTION IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR BLESSED: Thank you for telling it like it is. Sometimes people engage their mouths before engaging their brains. Unfortunately, there is no end to the thoughtless, insensitive questions some people ask -- which brings to mind a letter that appeared in my column many years ago. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Our son is a dark-skinned child whom we adopted when he was an infant. My husband and I are both fair-skinned.

When our son was about 4, we attended a pool party at our townhouse complex. I got into a conversation with a woman who was very curious about him -- asking how old he was when we got him and where he was from. She looked confused when I answered "Milwaukee" -- as I'm sure she expected a more exotic location such as Africa or the Australian outback.

I almost lost my cool, however, when she asked me in all seriousness, "Are you going to tell him he is adopted?" -- MIDWEST MOM

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "A Grandma or a Doormat?", whose daughter expects Grandma to baby-sit for free and not be reimbursed for the cost of snacks, prompts my own.

Forty years ago, I paid my mother $23 per week to watch my two young children nine hours a day, five days a week. She even washed their diapers for me. I knew I was getting a bargain and was glad to pay.

Today, I watch my two grandchildren five days a week for $20 a day. I do the ironing and pick them up at school. My children let me know that they appreciate my efforts.

Good day care is hard to find at any price. The daughter who was reluctant to help pay for snacks is wrong to resist. The $10 a week Gramma asked is too little. She has to be home every day and cannot make other plans. It is a job. Finding a baby sitter who will provide the type of child care that a grandmother gives is nearly impossible.

Shame on that daughter. She should have been paying since the beginning. -- MIDWEST GRANDMOTHER

DEAR MIDWEST GRANDMOTHER: You're right that the daughter should have been paying her mother from the beginning. However, I have been advised that when baby-sitting is treated as a job -- and money changes hands -- there are tax liabilities.

Both the daughter and her mother should make sure they follow the tax laws to the letter, so Uncle Sam won't come knocking on their doors with his hand out. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The daughter who leaves her child with Grandma and expects it to be "free" should wake up. Ten dollars a week is an unheard-of bargain for child care.

I work for my daughter at her day care. I am paid minimum wage. The parents pay nearly $100 a week per child. Their kids get breakfast, lunch and two snacks a day. In addition, they learn manners, geography, the alphabet, music, art, gardening, animal care, cooking and more. These little kids are reading and counting to 100 before kindergarten, and they love it. We also give the children "hugs" and "loves."

A safe environment while the parents work is so important these days. That daughter should be ashamed, and Grandma needs to toughen up and join the 21st century. Haven't they heard? There are no free lunches these days! Thank you for letting me vent. -- GRANDMA T., TACOMA, WASH.

DEAR GRANDMA T.: The children in your daughter's day-care center are lucky. They are learning to interact with peers at an early age. They are receiving affection and individual attention, and being intellectually challenged and stimulated. I'm sure they're more than ready for kindergarten by the time they get there. Not every child is so fortunate.

DEAR ABBY: I was married to a woman for 15 years, and then she left me for another man. We have been divorced for more than a year now.

I have always been close to her sister, and we would like to start dating. The problem is, even though she really wants to, she's afraid it's wrong because I was married to her sister.

Abby, we would appreciate your advice on this matter, and will wait for your opinion before making a final decision. -- CONFUSED IN TENNESSEE

DEAR CONFUSED: Since you are a free man, and you two have always been close, I see no reason why you shouldn't date and enjoy some happiness together.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: On Sept. 12, 2000, our beautiful, blue-eyed 11-year-old daughter died from injuries she sustained in a car accident. With her seat belt fastened, she had the front passenger seat reclined to nap on the way home from school. Upon impact, she was thrown up to the seat belt and back down to the reclined seat. She suffered severe brain trauma.

Reclining the front seat is something people take for granted, and something we never realized was dangerous. We heard a doctor comment that severe injuries from being reclined are becoming more common. Commercials show how safe a car is while crash-test dummies are sitting upright with their seat belts fastened. Try to picture what that "dummy" would do if it was lying on its back without the support of a back seat. Without the back support, a sleeping person would be like a rag doll and would slide from under the lap belt, hitting the side of the car or the driver's seat. The only way airbags and seat belts can save you is if you're sitting with the seat upright and belts secured.

Since this tragedy, our families and friends have stopped this seemingly innocent but dangerous activity. Please get this message out to your readers; it may save a life. Thank you. -- JAMIE'S FAMILY, FLORISSANT, MO.

DEAR JAMIE'S FAMILY: What a horror story. Please accept my deepest sympathy for the tragic loss of your little girl.

I'm reminding readers of every age that the safest position for riding as a passenger in a moving vehicle is sitting upright, facing forward, with both feet on the floor and arms and hands inside. In the proper position, there is far less risk of neck injuries, scrapes, broken bones, crushed pelvises and brain injuries in a collision. Accidents can happen to anyone -- that's why they are called "accidents."

DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to "Nancy's" comments on table manners. She said, "Remove your hat before sitting down at the table, including baseball caps." Sometimes a baseball cap might be more pleasant for others to look at than the scars it is hiding.

Six months ago, my son and three other crew members were in a C-130, fighting fires in France, when the plane crashed. Two were killed. My son and another young man survived when they were blown out of the plane on impact. They were in intensive care for quite some time.

In spite of very bad scars, they both looked wonderful to us. However, when my son was well enough for us to take him out to dinner, he wore a baseball cap to hide his worst scars, which were on his head.

You can believe I was proud to be sitting at the table with him -- cap included! I'm hopeful that after some plastic surgery, the cap will no longer be necessary. -- A HAPPY MOM IN TENNESSEE

DEAR HAPPY MOM: I am so glad to learn your son survived such a terrible accident and is on the road to recovery.

In most circumstances, men wear baseball caps because they think it's "cool" or they are having a bad hair day or have no hair at all. It would benefit all of us to refrain from judging those who wear caps indoors -- there may be, as in your son's case, a legitimate reason.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)