DEAR ABBY: I was touched by your recent letters from "Smiling in Carolina" and "Happy New Grandmother, Dallas," regarding the heartache birth mothers feel when they place their babies for adoption, and how appreciative grandmothers are when children are adopted into their families. Their letters made me remember the decision I made about my own grandson, "Jack."

Sixteen years ago, my husband and I took Jack into our home after his mother died. Jack was 11 months old. It soon became apparent that Jack was a special person with special needs. He was slow to learn, but a happy child. When he was school age, we put him in special education classes.

We got along fine; however, when my husband passed away three years ago at age 91, I got to thinking about Jack's future. I am now 90 and feeling well, but there will come a time when I will no longer be able to take him to school, golfing, bowling, etc. So after much thought and investigation, I found Jack an excellent board-and-care home. He stays there all week. They provide him transportation to school, excellent meals and clean clothes. He enjoys living with four other people closer to his age. On weekends and holidays, he comes home with me.

It wrenches my heart to see him go back on Sunday evenings, but I know if anything happens to me, he won't have to make a big adjustment. I am so glad I made this plan and hope it was the right thing to do. -- WONDERING IN MICHIGAN

DEAR WONDERING: I commend you for finding your grandson a home where he will feel safe and secure after you are no longer around to take care of him. I can't think of a more loving or unselfish act to do for someone with special needs.

If other readers are in similar circumstances, I urge them to take the time now to find a suitable living environment for those they love and care about. Planning ahead will bring peace of mind.

DEAR ABBY: This letter is for "Smiling in the Carolinas," and the many other mothers who have placed their babies for adoption.

One of my daughters was unable to have children. With medical assistance from specialists, she tried unsuccessfully for nearly 15 years without achieving motherhood.

We are eternally grateful to the biological mothers who enabled our daughter and her husband to finally have a family. I never think of the adopted children as being different in any way. They are God's most wondrous blessing to me and my family. I tell my grandson he gets his sense of humor from me, and my granddaughter that she takes after my mother with her dark eyes and hair. My husband was so proud of our first grandson, he wheeled him from door-to-door to introduce him and show him off to our neighbors.

Abby, please tell those wonderful, giving mothers that they have brought great joy to the families they made complete with their unselfish gift. They need have no fear that they didn't do the right thing. I thank all of the courageous women who placed their babies for adoption so these children could have a good life with people better able to care for them. -- GRATEFUL GRANDMOTHER, LONG ISLAND, N.Y.

DEAR GRATEFUL: You have said it very well. I hope your letter will reassure young, single mothers-to-be who may be struggling with the question of whether or not to keep their baby.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I would like to thank you for printing our letter about our two daughters, and how we were inspired by Emily Perl Kingsley's poem "Welcome to Holland." Our daughters eventually lost their lives to epidermolysis bullosa, a rare genetic condition.

When I saw the letter in the newspaper, I suddenly realized that no mention had been made of the wonderful, dedicated people who are working so hard behind the scenes to find a cure or a preventative for this terrible condition.

Readers who would like more information about epidermolysis bullosa or who would like to become involved in this worthwhile cause should contact: The National EB Registry, c/o Madeline Weiner, RN, 1 Bolin Heights, Campus Box 3369, Chapel Hill, NC 27514-3369. (E.B. research is currently under way at the University of North Carolina.)

Also: DEBRA of America, 40 Rector St., Suite 1403, New York, NY 10006. (The Web site is www.debra.org.) This is the international headquarters, and contributions are welcome. -- BILL MAULTSBY, ORANGE, TEXAS

DEAR BILL: No one could have read your letter and not have been touched by it. My readers and I join you in the hope that the disease that took your daughters will soon be a thing of the past. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am a 77-year-old World War II veteran, and I regularly visit and entertain the disenfranchised children of our town.

I have never experienced a tragedy as great as Mr. and Mrs. Maultsby's, whose daughters suffered from a severe skin malady, but my heart cried out for them and then it quickly turned to cheers!

Their daughters would never have excelled in oratory or music without their parents' love, patience and direction. If this country had homes like theirs for all our children, we could tear down the jails and sing of life's accomplishments.

We must strive to have faith and hope in our lives, but love must be the dominant force. -- BILL WATERS, LEBANON, TENN.

DEAR BILL: That's true. And if we measure people by their abilities, rather than prejudging them because of their disabilities, we would have a far more inclusive and constructive society utilizing all of the unique talent that's available.

DEAR ABBY: One of my co-workers is being married in the spring. She has announced that none of her co-workers will be invited to her wedding.

That's fine with me because I understand the expense involved with a large guest list. However, she is strongly hinting that I should do her a favor and host a bridal shower for her -- a co-workers' party.

I was under the impression that bridal attendants should host the showers. Am I wrong? -- FEELING GUILTY

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: No -- you are right. Also, no one should be asked to a bridal shower who isn't being invited to attend the wedding.

P.S. Don't feel guilty for ignoring the hints. You're doing her a favor by preventing her from being criticized.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and two sons had a family business. One son got married 13 years ago. Six years ago, the business split up. The business survived, thanks to my husband and older son.

Words were said at that time, and our younger son and his family have not visited us since. They live nearby, and I try to maintain contact. They have two children, 7 and 3. I was never asked to baby-sit even when the relationship was good, although I often did so for our other grandchildren. Our gifts of checks for Christmas and birthdays have never been cashed.

Our daughter was married three years ago, and our younger son and his wife never acknowledged the invitation, showed up or sent a gift.

Recently our daughter-in-law's mother passed on, and we sent flowers and cards, but to spare her feelings in an awkward situation, we did not attend the calling hours, for which we are being severely criticized. Should we have gone? -- HURTING IN NEW YORK

DEAR HURTING: No. Considering the circumstances, you did the right thing to stay away. People pay condolence calls to comfort the grieving family. Had you gone in spite of the rift, you would have risked causing turmoil at an already emotional time. In light of the situation, you did the considerate thing.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Anxious in Niagara Falls," in which the writer asked how to deal with a false rumor in her workplace, prompted my favorite memory about such rumors. Twenty-one years ago, I worked as secretary to a highly placed military officer. One day, "Col. Smith" came into my office and said he had something personal to tell me -- a rumor was circulating in the barracks that he and I were having an affair. The colonel went on to say that he wanted me to hear about the rumor from him so I wouldn't be upset by hearing it elsewhere.

He was (and, I assume, still is) happily married to a lovely woman. I was, and still am, happily married to the finest man I know, whom I love dearly. Of course, the rumor was completely untrue. The closest we came to an off-duty relationship was living two blocks apart in the same neighborhood on post. We socialized in separate circles except once, when the colonel held a promotion party at his home and invited my husband and me.

I asked him how Mrs. Smith had taken it. He replied that she understood completely and was fine. I told the colonel that if she were fine, so was I. We mutually agreed that all was well, and felt confident that the rumor would die in a short time, which it did.

As he turned to leave, I couldn't resist playing the devil's advocate by asking, "By the way, Colonel, did we have a good time?" My ability to joke about it set his mind at ease immediately.

Abby, your advice to "Anxious" was right on the money. The rumor will die a natural death when the gossips in the workplace see no evidence to keep it alive. Sign me ... NOTHING CHANGES, CHESTER, VA.

DEAR N.C.: I'm sure your sense of humor has carried you through on many occasions. I'm also sure the colonel was sorry when your professional relationship ended. You're the kind of employee an employer hates to lose.

NOT CONFIDENTIAL: In this Year of the Snake, I'm pleased to wish my Asian readers a happy and prosperous new year.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)