DEAR ABBY: Six years ago my mother died. A year after that, our father met a lady, "Alice," who made him very happy. My sister and I loved her from the start; our brother did not. Father has been engaged to this lovely lady for three years with our blessing.

Our brother decided that Dad had no right to happiness and has disowned the family over "that woman." We have all accepted our brother's decision not to be a part of the family.

The problem is, as time has gone on, our father spends less and less time with his children and grandchildren -- who all live in the same town -- and more and more time with her children and grandchildren. Dad now knows her granddaughter better than his own great-grandchildren.

During the past two years, he has spent both Thanksgiving and Christmas with her children. Dad and Alice show up to spend an hour or two with our side of the family for these holidays, and then leave for her children's home to celebrate. We had mentioned very early in the year that our family would like them to join us for at least one of the holiday dinners.

In short, this is my and my sister's dilemma: We lost our mother, we have lost our brother, and now we feel we are losing our father. We don't know how to broach the subject without causing hard feelings on the part of Dad's fiancee. We do love Alice; she has made our dad very happy. But this is beginning to cause resentment from my sister, our children, grandchildren and me.

How do we get them to understand that they need to give our family equal time without causing a rift? We love both Dad and Alice, and don't want our family splintered any more than it is. -- FAMILY TIES, TUCSON, ARIZ.

DEAR FAMILY TIES: I think you've said it very well. Tell your dad and his fiancee exactly what you have told me. (If you feel unable to honestly express your feelings, then clip this column and give it to them.) You and your sister are not asking too much. In fairness to all concerned, an adjustment needs to be made.

Invite Alice's family to join your family for one, warm, blended family event. Life is too short to feel resentful.

DEAR ABBY: I can top "Mystified in Fort Worth," who was shocked at an offering basket put out to defray the cost of an anniversary party.

Last year, a neighbor went door-to-door inviting people to a "Millennium New Year's Eve party." She and her husband were charging $230 per couple. She said that was a fair price to ask, since it was less than some of the fancy hotels were charging for a New Year's Eve party.

As it turned out, they had a dozen guests or so, some inexpensive entertainment and decor, and a catered meal. But nothing could top the look on those paying "guests'" faces when in walked a bride and groom -- and those poor souls realized they had been duped into paying for a wedding reception for the host's son! While it's the rudest thing I've ever heard of, it's so outrageous we're still laughing about it. I swear this is a true story. -- ALMOST SCAMMED IN SCOTTSDALE

DEAR SCAMMED: Your letter qualifies for Ripley's Believe It or Not. I applaud you for laughing at the outrageous situation.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine just canceled her wedding that was to take place a month from now. We already had an engagement party and a bridal shower for her.

I assumed since the wedding was canceled, the gifts would be returned. Instead, my friend asked me how much I spent so she could reimburse me, because she likes my gift too much to return it. She further stated that members of her family had refused to take back their gifts when asked. I was too shocked to respond to her question.

How should I have answered her question about how much I spent for her gift? (By the way, she was engaged once before but canceled the wedding before the shower.)

The gifts from the engagement party were never returned -- so now I have given two engagement gifts and a shower gift to someone who never got married.

Which leads to another question -- should she ever become engaged again, must I give her a third gift? -- CONFUSED IN WEST CALDWELL, N.J.

DEAR CONFUSED: Since you have already given two engagement gifts and a shower gift, I see no reason why you should feel obligated to give again should your friend get in the way of cupid's arrow. Tell her exactly how much you spent for the wedding gift she's keeping so she can reimburse you for the expense. She's trying to do the right thing and shouldn't be criticized for it.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to "Not Very Graceful in Provo, Utah," who asked how women in high heels could walk so gracefully.

When I went through modeling school in the 1950s, we were taught to walk in high heels by:

(1) Placing the toe area down first, followed very quickly by the heel, so the whole foot was down at the same time.

(2) Walking with knees slightly flexed.

(3) Pulling our ribs "out of the abdomen" (figuratively speaking) without doing anything special with the shoulders, not to lean back, and most important, standing up straight.

If she follows these instructions, she will walk smoothly. Balancing a book on top of the head can be added later. I'm sure models are still taught these techniques. -- DEIRDRE MADDEN, MEDINA, OHIO

DEAR DEIRDRE: May I be frank? Thank you for the input, but it seems like a lot to remember just to make it from point A to point B. I also heard from a foot specialist who asked me to remind women that more important than walking gracefully in high heels is to wear shoes that fit properly. An entire industry (bunion removal) was spawned by the popularity of ill-fitting, spike-heeled shoes.

DEAR ABBY: My mother recently passed away. I have been receiving fruit baskets, flowers, Mass cards and sympathy cards from my friends, co-workers and family.

I realize that I must send thank-you notes for baskets, flowers and Mass cards. Is it also necessary to send a note back if someone sent me a printed card with their signature or a printed card with a written note to me? -- MOURNING IN WORCESTER, MASS.

DEAR MOURNING: I would. Everyone who has made the effort to reach out to you in your time of sorrow should be acknowledged.

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DEAR ABBY: I am 20 years old and happily married with one child. A longtime family friend has a huge crush on me. "Mr. Jones" is in his late 40s and is always buying me gifts -- items of jewelry, etc. He keeps trying to persuade me to go to bed with him. He has even asked me to leave my husband, saying he would treat me better.

Abby, I'm scared to tell my husband. He is protective of me, and I'm afraid he'll kill Mr. Jones. I also am reluctant to ruin a longtime family friendship, but I'm tired of being scared to be around him alone -- afraid he'll do something to me.

What should I do? Should I tell my husband? Should I confront Mr. Jones? Help! -- ON THE SPOT, SIDNEY, OHIO

DEAR ON: Stop being passive and tell Mr. Jones in no uncertain terms that you're happy with the husband you've got, have no desire to "trade up," and his attentions are insulting. Return the jewelry and inform him that if he propositions you again, you will inform your husband and the rest of your family. Curtail the amount of time this intimidating "friend" can spend alone with you, and if it happens again, keep your word.

DEAR ABBY: Although I'm a longtime reader, I've never felt compelled to write until I read the letter from "Bowled Over in California." It's the one from the prisoner who communicated with another prisoner by talking through the toilet bowl.

The letter disgusted me. I am a female deputy in a county jail in California (probably the same one in which the writer is incarcerated). We call that method of communication "toilet talking," and it goes on daily in our jail. If we catch inmates communicating that way, we give them a "major write-up," because it's a violation of the rules.

Yes, many an unsuspecting woman (or man) has "fallen in love" in this manner, but I'll bet you won't find a single couple who have met this way, married, and are still together. It is a scam used to get the new, weak and uninformed inmate to send mail or money. The overwhelming majority of these toilet talkers are already married or tied up with someone else. Oh, the lies and schemes we've heard.

If "Bowled" has a brain in her head, she will run away from this so-called relationship as fast as she can. Think about it: Would you want to strike up a relationship with a person who may be locked up for many months or years (or a lifetime)? Or would you rather marry a fine, upstanding citizen who will be by your side, especially in times of need?

Most of these guys are ex-cons or have been through the system many times. They know how to manipulate. When they get out of prison, poor "Bowled Over" gets used and abused and taken to the cleaners before she's dropped like a hot potato and finds herself alone, pregnant and hooked on drugs, with no place to go and no one to turn to.

Please forgive the length of this letter; I could go on and on. If even ONE new, unsuspecting inmate turns her life around because of my letter, then it has been worth my time and effort. -- DISGUSTED DEPUTY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DISGUSTED: Thank you for the warning. I hope that those who need it will heed it. A real prince would communicate FROM his throne, not THROUGH it.

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