DEAR ABBY: Last weekend, I flew to see my youngest daughter, "Katharine," who is 23. The point of the visit was to plan her wedding with a young man I'll call "Howard," whom she has known for less than a year. Although I approved of the wedding, I had met Howard only twice and was not overjoyed with Katharine's decision.

On the second night we went out for dinner, and Katharine announced that she and Howard are already married and she is pregnant.

How can I tactfully announce this marriage to our friends and family? -- BAFFLED IN BOSTON

DEAR BAFFLED: Announcing the marriage will be a cinch. Visit your local printer and order some lovely announcements that say something like this: "Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So announce with pleasure the marriage of their daughter, Katharine, to Howard Such-and-Such on ( )." There is no need to mention the baby that's on the way -- save that fact for a separate announcement.

DEAR ABBY: We recently moved to a new house. Within one week, we received a letter from one of our next-door neighbors. In her letter she proceeded to tell us about her last neighborhood, where one couple were "pests," the other couple had a pool (which they hated), and a third lady always wore her bikini in her yard. This woman then went on to tell us that no one in our new neighborhood (which is only four houses) wears bathing suits in their yards, but that everyone wears "decent length" shorts, and that "everyone" is opposed to swimming pools.

We are a young couple with three sons, and we plan to put a pool in next spring. I can't believe the nerve of this woman. I will not allow these neighbors' preferences to influence our decisions. Our yard is almost one acre, and she shouldn't be watching us.

That letter was so upsetting to my husband and me, I think we're just going to ignore it, but what would you do? -- STUNNED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR STUNNED: I would start making friends with the other neighbors, put in my swimming pool as planned -- and install a safety fence and a tall hedge on the side of my property that adjoins that of the nosy and presumptuous letter writer.

DEAR ABBY: It's amazing how younger people judge those already well into their later years. The following incident happened when I was 91. I'm now 92, and I still go to a local gym three times a week, lifting weights to keep my body in fairly good shape.

One day last year, I noticed a young man of about 30 lifting a bar with weights on the ends. I approached him and asked, "How much are you lifting?"

"Seventy pounds," he replied.

"Mind if I try?"

"Sure," he said, "go ahead."

When I lifted the weights as he did, he asked, "How old are you?"

"I'm 91," I replied.

Staring incredulously, he croaked, "And you're still standing?"

This gives you some idea how we in our later years are stereotyped, and how wrong some people can be. Don't sell us short. Not all of us are over the hill. -- MURRAY SHAW, PHOENIX

DEAR MURRAY: Your lesson is well taken. As any qualified butcher will tell you, prime beef only gets better when it is aged.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I was married to my soul mate for more than 31 years. He passed away three years ago. I stayed by his side 24 hours a day for 21 months while he fought for his life against a malignant brain tumor. We had a great marriage, and I'm thankful I was able to be there for him. I'll never get over missing or loving him.

I'm 54 and healthy, and decided not to wear black and mourn for the rest of my life. Three months ago, I married a man with whom I had become good friends at church during the last year and a half. We actually dated for only a month, but we knew each other well enough to know that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

The problem is my two adult children. They have become greedy and demanding. They're afraid I'm going to leave all of "Dad's" retirement to my new husband. They refer to my house as "Dad's" house. I have explained to them that it is mine. I gave them what he specified in his will, and then some. My daughter even demanded to see my will -- which I told her she could see after I die.

My daughter has asked me not to call her house anymore. Was it wrong of me to go on with my life? -– NO NAME OR TOWN, PLEASE

DEAR NO NAME: Not at all. While your daughter may justify her behavior as trying to "protect" her mother, in reality the name for what she's doing is emotional blackmail. Keep your distance and concentrate on being the happy newlywed you deserve to be. How sad for your children that because of their attitude they have driven a wedge between themselves and the only parent they have left.

DEAR ABBY: I just read a column of yours containing a letter from a girl who had been raped. She was upset about not being a virgin at her wedding.

I was sexually abused as a child, and this is what I was told in my counseling group: "If I hit you on the head with a rolling pin, would you consider that your first experience with cooking?" Abby, that girl is still a virgin. She has not had sex or made love; she was attacked, and the weapon was a penis. Technical terms do not apply to this situation.

Knowing that you are still a virgin can be very important in the healing process. I am mostly recovered; however, some wounds never fully heal. -– "J" IN WILLIAMSVILLE, N.Y.

DEAR "J": Never say "never." I hope you continue to progress. Your counselor is a wise person. It's troubling that when people hear about a sexual assault, one of the first reactions is to ask what the victim might have done to have brought it on. The truth is, a victim of rape and the victim of a mugger or robber have two things in common. They were both in the wrong place at the wrong time –- and vulnerable.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of two daughters, one of whom is 9 years old. The other passed away eight years ago just before she turned 3.

My daughter who died had Down syndrome and many other health problems. However, that is not the reason for this letter.

My other daughter is in fourth grade, and at open house for her class, her teacher used a word in her talk to parents that I found deeply offensive. She used it not once, but twice. Demonstrating for the parents a stretching exercise she has the children do midmorning to break the monotony in their routine, she said, "I know this makes me look retarded, but this is the way to stretch." My daughter reports that this teacher uses the word "retarded" often, as if it were an adjective.

I am unsure how to handle this. I don't want whatever I say to be used against my daughter in the classroom, and yet I feel strongly about the poor example this teacher is setting for the children. I considered sending an anonymous letter to her with a copy to the principal of the school, but I would like you to address this subject in your column. If you print this, I just might mail her a copy. –- TWICE A MOTHER IN SOUTH DAYTONA BEACH, FLA.

DEAR MOTHER: It is deplorable that the word "retarded," as a synonym for "dumb" or "stupid," has become common slang (i.e., "That is so retarded!"). It shows a lack of respect for those who are challenged, and the person to whom the remark is directed may have a sibling or relative who is developmentally or mentally disabled.

Rather than anonymously mailing this to the teacher or penning an unsigned letter, I urge you to meet with the teacher and tell her how hurtful her comments were to you and the reasons why. If that doesn't teach her a lesson she'll never forget, nothing will.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Milton" for two years. Actually, we've been together for six years. We have two beautiful daughters, ages 2 and 4. Milton works full time during the day. I work full time at night. We hardly see each other.

I am at a crossroads because I think I am in love with Milton's best friend, "Herb." Herb and I have slept together, and I can't get him out of my mind. He has a girlfriend and two children.

I feel Herb is the person I have waited my whole life to be with. I know what I have done is wrong; however, I ache for him. I am torn between the two men, but I know we can ruin a lot of lives if we pursue this relationship. Therefore, I recently made up my mind to live my life with Milton and my kids.

Abby, please help me to stick with the right decision. –- IRIS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR IRIS: Actually you didn't "wait your whole life" for Herb. You made a sizable emotional investment when you had the children with Milton and married him. I'm pleased you made the mature decision to stick with your husband. It is going to take time to get over this -– but it was the right choice.

Another big step in the right direction will be to avoid Herb and his girlfriend or get them out of your life entirely. Also, you and your husband must get on the same work schedule and get marriage counseling. Marriages die from lack of communication, and unless you act immediately, there won't be much life left in yours. Trust me.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)