DEAR ABBY: We just found out that one of our sons changed his last name. What a terrible blow to our family. We found out very painfully when his wife had a baby. We went to the hospital to see the newest member of our family and couldn't find a "Mrs. Barry Nofzinger." However, there WAS a "Mrs. Barry Gibson."

Barry had used the name "Gibson" before, when he was in sales. He said it was much easier to remember than Nofzinger. He never indicated that he was considering changing his name. When he remarried two years ago, he still used the name Nofzinger. As far as we know, the name change occurred prior to our grandson's birth.

When we asked why, he told us his current wife (Barry was married before) didn't want to be the "second" Mrs. Nofzinger. The funny thing is, Barry's first wife remarried long before our son met or married his current wife. She has used her present husband's name for years.

Barry contends that we're making too much of this. He expects his relationship with us will remain as it has always been. In fact, he expects his son to have the same kind of relationship with us that we have with our other grandchildren.

We have been good parents, Abby. We have given our love and support unconditionally to all our children. I pray that I can continue doing that, but right now, I'm so full of anger, pain and shame that I wonder if it wouldn't be best if I told our son we would prefer never to see him again.

Barry's father is very hurt, and his brothers are also upset. He's unable to understand why we feel this way.

Perhaps someday I won't feel like I have been slapped in the face every time I see "Gibson" instead of "Nofzinger" after his name. Please help me to let go of my anger. -- SEEING RED IN OREGON

DEAR SEEING RED: William Shakespeare was right when he said, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." It's no sin to change one's name -- and your son's having done so is no reflection upon how he feels about his siblings and you. You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

You say you're wondering if it wouldn't be best to tell your son you'd prefer never to see him again. Be careful what you wish for.

DEAR ABBY: Christmas is around the corner. Because our first child was due at Thanksgiving, I planned ahead and did as much of my shopping in advance as I could. The problem is, my husband's family expects everyone to buy presents for everyone else. This means we have to buy for 20 people! I don't mind buying for his parents and siblings, and even his grandparents, but the aunts, uncles and cousins are killing me.

We've bought everyone presents for the past two years and are still paying off credit cards from last year's purchases. I still have my parents and siblings to buy for, too. Money is tight because I'm off work now and will return to work only part time in a few months.

Abby, I don't see how we can afford to continue this tradition. My husband won't let me say anything to his family. Can you give me some advice? -- WANTING A SIMPLER CHRISTMAS

DEAR WANTING: Only this: If you continue trying to adhere to his family's "traditions," your little family will never be out of debt, and your financial burdens will continue to grow until they crush you. Since your husband won't "let" you explain this to his family, perhaps he will consent to accompany you to some credit counseling sessions. I hope they'll help him see the light.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I recently received my bachelor of science degree. It took determination and sacrifice to fulfill the requirements to graduate. Now that I have found a job where I can use my academic knowledge, I am finding stumbling blocks to career advancement. I work with managers who refuse to recognize the importance of an academic education.

Several of the upper-level managers attained their high-paying positions by staying with the company and working their way up the organizational ladder. They frequently comment that education is "overrated." I have great respect for these managers and their fortitude in staying with the same company; however, they belittle the value of education. I believe they are not aware of the time and energy one must expend to attain a degree.

I have also noticed that managers who have an advanced level of education appreciate what it takes to get a degree and don't minimize its value. Unfortunately, I must report directly to a lesser-educated manager, and I would appreciate your advice on how to handle the situation. -- SUPPORTS THE VALUE OF EDUCATION

DEAR SUPPORTS: Keep your mouth shut and your eye on the goal. Pointing out your manager's ignorance will make you an enemy.

College doesn't always teach the "practical" aspects of a job. Experience is also a great teacher. Learn, absorb and weigh everything your managers have to say. They would not be at the level to which they have risen had they not earned the respect of their employers.

DEAR ABBY: Twenty years ago, my high school civics teacher gave us a choice for a project: Write a research paper or perform 20 hours of volunteer work and report on the experience. For not completely altruistic reasons, I chose the volunteer experience because I thought it sounded more interesting -- not to mention easier!

That was one of the most memorable high school experiences I had. I didn't come from a perfect background (does anyone?), but it was good for me as an impressionable young person to see how those in true need lived. I will never forget rocking a baby who was born without eyes because his mother dallied with drugs during her pregnancy.

Most volunteer experiences aren't as sobering, but there is always something to learn. As a result of that school project, I have led a life of volunteering -- even if it is just an hour a week. In addition, I have introduced my children to the wonderful world of volunteering as young as age 3, and they love it. My parents were also volunteers.

Abby, please address the subject of volunteering with your readers. If they don't volunteer, they owe it to themselves to give it a try. It's a wonderful experience. Just when they think they will only be giving, lo and behold, they'll be receiving an education and a worthwhile experience. -- GRATEFUL TO BE ABLE TO HELP, ST. PAUL, MINN.

DEAR GRATEFUL: I agree volunteering can be gratifying. I heartily recommend it. The subject has been mentioned in this column before. Years ago, I volunteered my time to the Red Cross as a "Gray Lady," reading and writing letters for shut-ins. Later I worked for the Mental Health Association and to raise funds for the March of Dimes.

Volunteer work is emotionally rewarding, a sure cure for the blues and a self-esteem builder. Some people have stumbled onto fulfilling career opportunities through volunteering at hospitals, schools, shelters, etc.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: While my husband was in a chat room on the Internet, I caught him asking for pictures of little girls being sexually molested. He had already downloaded several on our computer. In one of those pictures was a little girl 18 to 24 months old -- and the most awful thing was being done to her. The rest of them were no better. I cried all evening after seeing those pictures, Abby.

I have five small grandchildren and one on the way. Now I know I can no longer trust my husband around them. I have begged him to get help, but he says he doesn't have a problem, so I am seriously thinking about reporting him. Abby, he even sent out a picture of his own daughter.

Do you think he could possibly be a child molester, too? All the signs are there, and I just can't stand the thought of him touching me if he has hurt a child like that. Please help me. I am so afraid. We have been married 12 years. How could I not have seen this before? -- TERRIFIED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR TERRIFIED: Please don't blame yourself for not having "seen this before." Child molesters are very clever about hiding their preferences, because they have to be. Your husband is sick -- a predator -- and if he would post pictures of his own child on the Internet, he wouldn't hesitate to do the same with a grandchild.

Since he refuses to admit he has a problem, you will have to force him into getting help. Tell the police in your community exactly what you have told me. Please don't wait another day to do it.

DEAR ABBY: Your answer to "Sick of Disrespect in Dallas" didn't go far enough. The proper way to handle verbal abuse or unacceptable behavior on an airplane is to immediately complain directly to the flight attendant before the situation escalates. If he or she fails to put the perpetrator in place, inform the attendant that you will file a complaint with the airline citing failure to handle a threatening situation.

No one should have to tolerate or witness profanity, drunken behavior, or any other form of abuse in the air, on land or at sea.

However, I agree that one should never directly confront someone who is out of control. -- LOOKING FOR FRIENDLIER SKIES

DEAR LOOKING: I'm pleased that you do. Although each airline has its own regulations for handling disruptive passengers, it is my understanding that most of them follow a similar scenario. If the flight attendant cannot "calm down" or stop inappropriate behavior, he or she will have the pilot come back and talk to the passenger. The pilot then informs the passenger that if he or she doesn't stop being disruptive, it will be necessary to land the plane at the nearest airport and the police will come on board and arrest the passenger.

DEAR ABBY: Would you please explain how women in high heels can walk with such elegance and grace, as though they are gliding when they walk? -- NOT VERY GRACEFUL IN PROVO, UTAH

DEAR NOT VERY GRACEFUL: It's not easy. Stand up straight, balance a book on your head, and practice, practice, practice.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)