DEAR ABBY: There is a row of trees and bushes along the fence that separates my neighbor's yard from mine. Our old neighbor used to keep them trimmed and under control. Unfortunately, that neighbor moved away and another family lives next door. The branches now hang over my roof -- dropping berries and leaves that cause stains on the shingles and my new contrete patio.

I asked my new neighbor several times to please keep the branches trimmed. I even had a gardener give them an estimate. The neighbors said they could not justify spending that amount of money.

After several years of waiting -- and listening to their excuses -- I trimmed the trees and bushes back myself and deposited the trimmings on the neighbors' side of the fence. They called the police. The policeman said what I did was legal, but it would have been "more neighborly" had I disposed of the trimmings myself.

The next day I offered to remove the debris, but my angry neighbor shouted, "Don't talk to me. I'll do it myself!"

This happened seven months ago. My neighbors are still not talking to my wife and me. How do I handle this? -- MISTER CHAIN SAW

DEAR MR. C.S.: You were within your rights to cut back any branches that protruded onto your property. However, it was spiteful and childish to dump the trimmings on your neighbors' property.

Apologize again -- and this time make a peace offering. As tempting as it might be to give them long-handled pruning shears, make it a gift certificate for a lovely dinner at a nice restaurant.

DEAR ABBY: I clipped out your "Commandments for a Mother-in-Law" as a reminder of how fortunate I am to have my daughter-in-law. You recently printed a rebuttal to these comments from "Disappointed Mother-in-Law," who was nonchalant about losing a relationship with her son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren.

I lost my only child, Darrin, two years ago to a brain tumor. Darrin and my daughter-in-law, Sherri, had been married only a short time before Darrin's sudden death. Although Sherri was not the person I thought my son would marry, I knew she was his choice. I respected his decision and treated Sherri as a daughter, not a daughter-in-law.

When Darrin died, I feared I had lost not only my child, but also a daughter, and any possibility of having grandchildren. However, Sherri still calls me "Mom," and we visit my son's grave several times a year. I now realize my son's "choice" was an excellent one and I have been blessed by gaining a daughter.

I feel sorry for "Disappointed." Her tragedy is worse than mine. She has lost her son, daughter-in-law, and any possibility of having a relationship with her grandchildren. -- GRATEFUL MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR GRATEFUL: You were a wise woman not to have allowed preconceived notions to get in the way of a strong relationship with your son and his wife. You're both stronger for having each other. Please accept my sympathy for your sad loss.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 17 years. My husband never tells me I look pretty. I know some women reading your column will think, "Who cares what somebody else thinks of you?" He tells my daughter she looks pretty -- and the girls in his office -- so I know he knows how to give a compliment.

Abby, I am not overweight. I wear makeup and get my hair cut every six weeks. I am not homely. I shower twice a day.

A year ago I told my husband how I felt. Now the only time he says anything complimentary to me is when we are in bed. Too late! I need to hear encouraging words. Every woman needs to hear that she's attractive.

If you print this, maybe it will alert some nice husband out there who has been withholding to say, "Honey, you look pretty today." It'll sure go a long way with his wife. -- DESPERATE FOR A COMPLIMENT

DEAR DESPERATE: You hit the nail on the head when you described your husband's behavior as "withholding." The next step is to discover why he would deliberately withhold something from you that you told him you needed. And while you're at it, ask yourself why it took 16 years to tell your husband what you wanted from him.

I suspect there are problems in your marriage that you haven't mentioned in your letter. Perhaps when they're resolved, you'll receive the strokes you crave.

DEAR ABBY: Our neighbors hung a wreath on their door with a motion sensor that plays Christmas music whenever someone comes to the door. Unfortunately, it is also activated by the wind, so that it plays endlessly, over and over, day and night on breezy days.

There should be a unique hell for people who invent those little electronic noise-making gizmos; they certainly make it difficult for folks in THIS world!

Please, Abby, ask your readers to keep such items INSIDE their homes for their own enjoyment. Then maybe the rest of us can have a "silent night." -- BAH HUMBUG IN COLUMBUS, OHIO

DEAR HUMBUG: Your suggestion seems reasonable to me. A silent night is a necessity before a constructive work day. And most of us have to work -- even during the Christmas season. Ho! Ho! Ho!

DEAR ABBY: You recently printed a letter about automobile safety. The reader recommended that everyone should install a "back-up beeper" on their cars. The cost would be less than $50.

Abby, every automobile manufactured in the United States already has a working beeper -- it's called a horn!

When I worked for the post office, we were trained to "beep more than once" when we backed up our vehicles. I have been retired for 15 years and still automatically honk my horn every time I put my car in reverse. Everyone should try it! -- PETER IN TAMPA, FLA.

DEAR PETER: Several readers wrote to tell me my response to that letter left a lot to be desired. If that safety tip is good enough for the U.S. Postal Service, it's good enough for me. (Not to mention a great way to save $50!)

And while I'm on the subject, another reader pointed out that when a driver is too old and stiff to turn around and check to see if someone is standing behind the car before backing up, that person should no longer be driving.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 45-year-old single woman. My significant other and I have been together for five years. He's eight years older than I am, and he brings me great joy.

A problem has arisen that has me at my wit's end. When we first began dating, "George" would drop hints about how he loved long blond hair. At the time I was a natural brunette, but thought a few highlights wouldn't hurt. I let it grow. Eventually my hair became lighter and lighter until I was all blond. However, I never really liked it. It didn't complement my skin tones. I have been blond for more than four years. Friends and family tell me I look better as a brunette.

During my last trip to the hairdresser, I asked to have my hair darkened one shade. It's now very light brown, and I like it. George hates it. He hates it so much that for the first week he wouldn't look at me or talk to me. I had no idea what was wrong, and I suspected he had met someone else.

The following week, we were talking again, but things still weren't "right." All signs of affection were gone. I tolerated it for a week and then confronted him. It turned out he really wanted me blond. I let him know how unattractive he was making me feel and how shallow I thought he was. He blamed me and my hair and said that if I hadn't gone blond, we probably never would have gotten together.

I tried to convince him I was still the same person. The fight escalated to the point where I packed my bags and was out the door. He finally admitted HE had the problem, and convinced me to stay while he worked it out. The following week he was back to being his old self.

Last night my family gathered at a nice restaurant for a birthday dinner. Midway through the evening, wouldn't you know, in walked a couple, and the blond-headed woman sat next to our table "flipping" her hair. George couldn't take his eyes off her. It was so embarrassing it made me depressed. I gave George "the look" to knock it off, but he didn't. My family also noticed. When we got home, he acted like nothing was wrong.

I don't know what to do. I can't go back to being blond because I'll never know if he loves me or the fantasy. It seems like such a trivial reason to break up, but I can't imagine putting up with this for the rest of my life. Any advice? -- TIRED OF THE ROOTS IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR TIRED: George has a problem and he admits it. Your gentleman not only prefers blondes, it appears he has a fetish for long blond hair. People can change their behavior, but they can't change their feelings.

Joint counseling might be helpful for you both to help each other understand what you're both really saying. The relationship can't succeed unless you are comfortable and feel accepted for who you are. If it depends upon changing your appearance, then face it -- George isn't someone to dye for.

DEAR ABBY: I was wondering if there is a proper place for an ex-wife to sit during a funeral, when the deceased has a significant other and intended for her to sit in front, as if she were his wife.

Does the ex sit in front also, or among the general congregation? -- CURIOUS IN PRIEST RIVER, IDAHO

DEAR CURIOUS: Where the former spouse sits depends upon whether there were children from the marriage. At a time of grief, the children would probably want their mother close to them. If not in the front row, probably in the row directly behind them.

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