DEAR ABBY: We were invited to spend Thanksgiving with our son and daughter-in-law -- a three-day drive for us, but we were eager to spend time with family and see our grandchildren.

We make it a point to keep our visits short. They are busy young people with lots to do. We take them all out to dinner at least once during our visit, and offer to help wherever needed.

However, our daughter-in-law remained cool and distant. It made us feel we weren't a part of their family. She kept herself occupied reading books or sewing, or she would go into their bedroom and close the door and we wouldn't see her again until morning. Her behavior made us feel we were unwelcome and in the way.

Abby, we could use some pointers on what to do -- and what not to do -- while visiting our married children. Please help. -- PUZZLED MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR PUZZLED: You appear to be gracious people. I'm not sure the problem is yours, and giving you any pointers seems beside the point. If she usually behaves that way during your visits, your daughter-in-law may have insecurity or self-esteem issues that make it difficult for her to entertain houseguests, or she could simply be a "loner." Whatever her reasons, you're overdue for a private talk with your son to help you understand what's really going on.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are being married next summer. We have asked my niece and nephew, who will both be teen-agers, to be in the wedding. They were delighted.

The problem is that they live out of town with their mother, "Rosie." Their father (my brother) lives in the same city.

In the past when my parents wanted to see the children, transportation would have to be provided to get them here. Rosie didn't want the children to fly, so Mom and Dad had to drive both ways. My brother helped with transportation when he could, but it was mostly up to my parents to provide it.

My fiance doesn't want Rosie at the wedding. I have no strong feelings one way or the other. What would be the right thing to do? -- CONFUSED BRIDE-TO-BE

DEAR BRIDE: You should not be obligated to invite Rosie, particularly in light of the fact that your fiance would prefer she not attend. If your brother is attending the wedding, he should provide transportation for his children.

DEAR ABBY: May I respond to "Happy Grandmother, Dallas," the grandma of an adopted baby girl, who paid tribute to the courageous sacrifice made by the child's birth mother?

I cried when I read her letter. Her kind, loving words touched me and helped to heal a part of me that has been empty and aching. You see, I recently celebrated the 10th birthday of my son, whom I placed for adoption.

Abby, there are many women like me -- women who are grieving quietly -- wondering every day if what we did was the right thing. Just one small "thank you," even if it was not meant specifically for me, makes me smile and puts a new spring in my step. That's exactly what "Grandma's" letter did for me, and I want to express my thanks. -- SMILING IN THE CAROLINAS

DEAR SMILING: I'm pleased that you found that letter comforting. You -- and all birth mothers who have given up their children -- deserve a star in your crown for having made the most unselfish (and painful) decision a parent can make.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Everyone seems to complain about violence in movies and television. Perhaps filmmakers would agree to put a disclaimer in the credits (similar to "No animals were injured in the making of this film"). It could read:

"In this film, the bullets were blanks, the blood was fake, the wounds were makeup, the car crashes were stunts, the explosions were special effects, the fights were rehearsed, and the sex was simulated. Do not try any of these things at home." -- EDDY HILL, SHERMAN OAKS, CALIF.

DEAR EDDY: Your clever disclaimer might serve as a helpful reminder to audiences who forget that what they see on screen is entertainment and not reality. Some people, children in particular, have difficulty differentiating between the two -- and I can sympathize with them. After sitting through some recent movies, I wish I had paid with play money.

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, you shared a recipe for a wonderful cheesecake. I made it several times, and it was such a hit at our family get-togethers that they are asking for it again. I'm ashamed to say, though, I misplaced the recipe. Would you please print it again for me -- and for everyone who may have missed it then? It was simple to make and delicious. -- A.B. IN HAMMOND, LA.

DEAR A.B.: I'm pleased to help. It can be found in my cookbooklet set that includes other favorite family recipes, such as my Coconut Cake With Custard Frosting, Chocolate Cake With Fluffy White Frosting, my "to die for" Heavenly Peanut Butter Pie and my Chocolate Mousse. Read on:

ABBY'S CHEESECAKE

CRUST:

1 1/2 cups graham cracker crumbs

1/2 cup butter, melted (1 stick)

1/3 cup powdered sugar

CHEESECAKE:

3 (8-ounce) packages cream cheese, softened

4 eggs

1 cup sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 pint dairy sour cream (at room temperature)

1 (21-ounce) can prepared cherry, blueberry or strawberry pie filling

1. Heat oven to 350 degrees.

2. Combine graham cracker crumbs, powdered sugar and melted butter. Press into bottom of 8-inch springform pan.

3. In a large bowl, beat cream cheese, eggs, sugar and vanilla until smooth. Pour mixture over prepared crust.

4. Bake at 350 degrees for 50 minutes (until center is set).

5. Remove from oven and spread sour cream on top of cheesecake. Return to oven and bake an additional 5 minutes.

6. Remove from oven and allow to cool. Spread desired topping on cheesecake.

7. Chill overnight. Before serving, carefully remove sides from pan. Serves 16.

Tip: To minimize cracking, place shallow pan half full of hot water on lower rack of oven during baking. And be sure the sour cream is at room temperature when you spread it on.

Readers, to purchase my cookbooklet set, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have just returned from a week-long vacation at an ocean resort. Another couple, "Al and Gloria," went with us. We booked separate rooms, and for the most part enjoyed each other's company. However, I observed one thing that disturbed me.

As I sat on the balcony one night waiting for my wife to dress for dinner, I saw Gloria walking on the beach. I watched as she picked up a child's boogie board that was lying at the edge of the surf.

When we were loading the trunk of the rental car to go home, she attempted to conceal the boogie board with their luggage.

My wife and I were astonished at Gloria's behavior. We didn't know whether or not we should confront her. On the trip home, I made some jokes about surfing, but I don't think she got the hint.

Abby, should we keep quiet and preserve our friendship, or ask her why she stole a child's toy? -- PERPLEXED IN NEW CASTLE, DEL.

DEAR PERPLEXED: Much depends upon how close your friendship is with "Al and Gloria." If you feel the friendship is worth preserving, ask Gloria why she concealed the boogie board instead of turning it in to lost-and-found at the hotel. It's possible she thought the board had been abandoned.

If you're not close and do not wish to risk a confrontation, perhaps the time has come to distance yourselves.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to "Sherri in Cincinnati," who wrote that as a lonely teen-ager she was welcomed into her best friend's family. I agree with your answer, Abby -- sometimes it does "take a village" to raise a child.

I left my husband when my son, "Kenny," was 2. I had to work, and Kenny was raised by a "village." My mother, grandmother, father, brother, sister and friends all took the time to play an important part in his life. When I married my current husband, my in-laws never missed a beat -- they immediately became a part of my son's "village," too.

I am proud to say Kenny, now 13, is an incredible person -- an honor student, athletic, musically talented and popular among his peers. I frequently receive compliments from teachers and other parents about how polite, kind, respectful and well-mannered he is. When I hear those words, I tell them I wish I could take all the credit, but my son is a "village" child.� Some of Kenny's teen-age friends have troubled lives, and we open our door to them. They spend nights here; we do laundry, cook meals, I help with their homework and display their photos. Some have even accompanied us on family vacations. They feel free to discuss any topic that comes to mind. When our relatives visit, we do not exclude Kenny's friends -- we simply expand our "village."

Abby, I would like to thank all of these wonderful souls who took an interest in my son. I never could have done it without them. -- LISA IN ILLINOIS

DEAR LISA: There is nothing as important in the life of a young person as the involvement of caring adults. Your son seems to have incorporated the talents and finest qualities of everyone with whom he has had contact. Strong role models and unconditional love can heal even the most emotionally impoverished person -- and that goes for adults, too.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)