DEAR ABBY: Eight months ago, I married "Tim." We're very happy. There's only one problem. Tim has a son from a previous marriage. The boy lives with his mother, "Agnes."

Abby, Tim's family invites Agnes to all the family holiday dinners. They say they do it for his son's sake, but I find it extremely uncomfortable. Last Christmas, I stayed home while Tim went to his mother's for dinner so he could be with his son and family.

Now that I'm Tim's wife, I feel strongly that I should no longer have to spend all my holidays with Agnes. Tim knows how I feel. He spends very little time with Agnes at these functions, but he says we must participate in these holiday dinners.

Tim has told his parents how awkward the situation is for me. They say we should be more mature about it. This is very upsetting, but what can I do? -- DREADING THE HOLIDAYS IN MEMPHIS

DEAR DREADING: The solution may lie in compromise. Now that you are Tim's wife, you may wish to start some holiday traditions of your own, and include Tim's son and family members. Consider inviting them for Christmas Eve dinner or brunch on Christmas morning, easing Agnes out of the picture. The situation may improve when Agnes finds a replacement for Tim, but meanwhile, take some positive steps to make your holidays brighter by not relying on his family for all your Christmas cheer.

DEAR ABBY: Having read the letter from "Newly Widowed, Baden, Pa.," who wondered when she could start going out in public, I must respond.

I am also in my 50s and was widowed two months ago. During my husband's last days fighting kidney cancer, our children and grandchildren came from out of state to be with us. The day after he died, I took my family to LegoLand. We had a wonderful day together. My husband would not have wanted us to sit around mourning his death. Instead, we celebrated together as a family.

A week after the funeral, I returned to work. I also signed up for two adult education classes and resumed my swim exercise class. If "Newly Widowed" is being stared at, perhaps it is because people don't know how to express their condolences to such a young widow. She shouldn't care what others think. If she has friends who think she should stay home and cry, she needs to find new ones.

While I miss my beloved husband with all my heart, I believe life is for the living. Please advise "Newly Widowed" to go out and enjoy life while she can. -- LYNN FROM VISTA, CALIF.

DEAR LYNN: I agree. I hope the widow heeds your wise words.

DEAR ABBY: What is the polite way to ask people not to bring gifts to our wedding? My fiance and I have lived together for 11 years and already have most everything we need. More toasters, juice glasses and towel sets will not fit in our house. -- BRIDE-TO-BE WHO HAS IT ALL

DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: A simple statement printed on your invitation should do the trick: "No gifts, please. Your presence will be our cherished gift."

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: A couple we know threw a birthday party this past weekend. A large number of guests were invited. When we arrived, everyone was directed to the back yard. I was appalled to see a portable toilet, the kind typically used at construction sites.

This couple has a beautiful home with at least three bathrooms. What a slap in the face to be invited to someone's home, only to find that we had actually been invited to their back yard and were expected to use an "outhouse"!

My husband and I disagree on whether or not this was an insult. Your opinion, please. -- APPALLED IN POMONA, CALIF.

DEAR APPALLED: Before you conclude that this was an insult, ask your hosts why they did it. Perhaps they were having plumbing problems. Or, the party was so large the hostess didn't know all of the guests well, and preferred they didn't tromp through her house. She might have been afraid her carpets would be damaged by dirty shoes, or had experienced some petty thefts during prior large parties.

Whatever the reason the house was off-limits and the portable toilet was provided, you owe it to your hosts to hear them out before you judge them.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old female who has not had a boyfriend in more than two years. I am desperately lonely and want a guy I can trust and share my life with. I have one particular guy in mind, but I'm afraid if I let him know how I feel, he will reject me. I need someone who makes me feel "complete," and I feel he is the one.

My problem is that he hangs out with the popular group and probably won't even try being an "us." Is something wrong with me? What should I do? -- LONESOME TEEN IN KENTUCKY

DEAR LONESOME: There is nothing "wrong" with you. Many women feel they need someone to make them feel "complete." However, it's a huge mistake. The only person who can truly make you complete is YOU. Rather than concentrating on how lonely and needy you are, instead focus your energies outward on activities that interest you. It will make you a far more interesting person to be around.

Are you interested in art? Go to the library and read up on it. Visit museums and art galleries. (You might meet a nice guy there who's also trying to improve his mind, or some budding artists who are on the brink of recognition.) Are you interested in photography? Inquire if a local photographer could use an assistant during the late afternoons or on weekends.

You'll feel better about yourself if you allow yourself less time to brood. The most successful people I know were usually not part of the "in" crowd in high school.

P.S. That includes my twin sister and me!

DEAR ABBY: Your recent comments to "Fashion-Confused in L.A.," who asked what "casual dress" means for the office, reminded me of the answer I recently gave to a new employee.

During the interview she asked me if the company had any "casual dress" days. I said, "Yes, we have two. We call them Saturday and Sunday." -- LOOKIN' GOOD IN NEVADA

DEAR L.G.: Thanks. You're a hoot!

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with my sister-in-law. We've never been close, but got along fine until the birth of my son two years ago.

She always said she didn't like or want children, but I never took her seriously. I thought she'd make an exception with her own nephew. She's not nasty, but she takes absolutely no interest in him. She never wants to hold or play with him, and she's made it clear she's not available for baby sitting. At times, I think she resents the attention he gets from other members of the family.

My husband says not to worry about it, but I find her attitude offensive. My relationship with her has deteriorated. I'm upset that our sweet little boy doesn't have a normal, loving aunt.

My mother-in-law understands how I feel, but tells me it's my sister-in-law's choice and that I shouldn't let it get to me. What do you think? -- OFFENDED IN EAST BENTLEIGH, AUSTRALIA

DEAR OFFENDED: I agree with your husband and mother-in-law. Not everyone is able to relate to small children. You'll gain nothing by continuing to personalize this. It has nothing to do with you or the child.

Perhaps when your son is a bit older and easier for your sister-in-law to communicate with, she'll be able to establish a relationship with him. However, if it doesn't happen, the loss will be hers, not the boy's.

DEAR ABBY: I recently received a wedding invitation from a family member. It was addressed to me only -- not my husband. The inside envelope also included only my name. Some of my friends say it was probably an oversight and told me I should add my husband's name on the return card. I feel this is improper. Another friend says there is no excuse, and I shouldn't go or send a gift. My husband is hurt, and I'm not sure what to do. Your thoughts, please. -- SHIRLEY IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SHIRLEY: To exclude your husband's name from the invitation was extremely rude. It meant that only you were invited to the wedding. Under no circumstances should you add his name to the response card. Simply pencil in that you will NOT be in attendance. Should the family member call to ask why, inform the person that you would be uncomfortable attending without your husband, and that he was hurt not to have been included.

DEAR ABBY: I have a major problem. I am a 25-year-old single mother with three kids. Fifteen months ago, I met a very attractive 33-year-old man who loves my children and me. He says he wants to marry me, but has not given me a ring.

Three months ago, I met a 42-year-old man who also says he loves me. He adores my kids, is financially secure and says he wants to settle down with me.

I have feelings for both of them. I want to make the right choice, but how do I choose without hurting someone? -- TORN BETWEEN TWO LOVERS

DEAR TORN: Since neither of these men has proposed, you may be counting your chickens before they're hatched. If you care for them equally, marry the one who asks you first.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)