DEAR ABBY: I have three children, ages 26, 18 and 15. My 18-year-old is a freshman in college and lives on campus. My 15-year-old lives with his father and visits me often. My 26-year-old is educated and has a good job, but still lives at home.

I was so looking forward to having all of my children out of the nest so I could enjoy myself. I'm in a serious relationship and marriage has been discussed, but because I cannot ask my gentleman friend to put up with the difficulties of getting along with my oldest child, those plans have been put on hold.

Every time I mention leaving the nest to her, she makes me feel guilty. I'm torn between being a caring mother and doing what is best for me. Please advise me how to handle this without ruining my relationship with my daughter. -- GUILTY MOM IN GEORGIA

DEAR GUILTY MOM: When the down has molted, the feathers have grown in and the baby bird is strong, the mother bird pushes her fledgling out of the nest so it can have a life of its own. With an education and a good job, your daughter is capable of taking care of herself. It's time for her to learn to live independently.

Get out the apartment ads and circle those that would fit her budget. Offer to go with her to check out apartments. Do not buy into her guilt trips. If necessary, offer to pay her first month's rent and half the cost of moving her belongings to her new address.

You deserve some happiness -- so please put your life on hold no longer.

DEAR ABBY: I had to chuckle when I read the letter from "Stuck in Franklin, Tenn.," the girl whose brother asked her to be his "best man."

My daughter was married this past June. She has two older brothers. One was her "maid of honor"; the other was her "bridesmaid." They wore tuxedos and looked handsome!

The groom's brother was his best man and also wore a tux. His sister was a "groomsman." She wore an elegant black dress and carried a simple bouquet.

I thought it was a wonderful way to honor all siblings at a wedding. Nobody was left out, and both families blended as one. -- HAPPY MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR HAPPY MIL: I'm sure the occasion will be a cherished memory for all who participated. However, when those of the opposite sex accompany the bride or groom to the altar, they are technically referred to as the "bride's attendants" or the "groom's attendants."

DEAR ABBY: My mother, who is 66, wants to live with us. I am married with a 16-year-old and a 5-year-old. My mother stayed with us once before, rent-free for eight months, and frankly, she was a real pain to live with.

For one thing, she is always moping. And she says she can't handle my 5-year-old, who is slightly developmentally disabled. On top of that, we are cramped here already. We want to say no to her, but feel we would be deserting her.

She doesn't have a lot of money, but she is healthy and can live on her own. She thinks it is cheaper to stay with us, but it costs us more than she realizes. My husband and I can't even enjoy our fireplace on a night when the little one is in bed and the teen is away, if you know what I mean.

Help, Abby! What do I do? -- FRUSTRATED INDIANA DAUGHTER

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Tell your mother exactly what you have told me. If she's depressed, she should be discussing it with her doctor and getting professional help. Stand firm that you and your family need your privacy. Your mother is not in ill health, and it's presumptuous for her to expect you to take care of her. If she wants to share living expenses, it would be better for all concerned for her to do so with a contemporary.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My family and I participated in last year's Operation Dear Abby. It was a blessing to us. We sent a box of 40 cards to each address you listed. We realize that is an insignificant number when compared to the number of military personnel who are away from home, but my children are 12 and 7, so that was as many as we could handle. They were not happy when I asked them to sign so many cards, but we did one box each week to keep us from getting writer's cramp and to keep the postage costs manageable.

As we sent out each batch of cards, we looked on the Internet for information about that area. This "activated" my kids. They talked about their new knowledge with their classmates and teachers.

I sent the addresses to their teachers, and the classes sent out cards, too. We didn't do it for recognition, but we received three thank-you cards from commanders.

This "family time" turned out to be so much more than just that -- my children learned a valuable life lesson: the importance of our military and the fact that these people are real, not fictitious characters in a distant place. The kids have begun asking me if we can do it again this year. Abby, when will you be printing the addresses for 2000? -- AMANDA ENNIS, LITHIA SPRINGS, GA.

DEAR AMANDA: Now is the hour, and thank you for giving me this chance to announce the launch of Operation Dear Abby XVI.

Once again I would like to thank everyone who has worked so hard to make Operation Dear Abby the smashing success it is every year. The cards and letters you send remind our servicemen and women that although they are stationed far away, they are in our hearts. Many schools and clubs make this a group project. I can't think of a better morale booster.

In order to ensure that the mail is received within the required time frame -- and that it falls within the Department of Defense security guidelines -- this year mail is being limited to ONLY first-class letters and cards, 13 ounces or less. No packages will be accepted.

Operation Dear Abby has been assigned four addresses for use during the 2000 holiday season. Specific units and countries are not being targeted -- only major U.S. military aerial mail terminals and fleet mail centers overseas. Once the mail is received, these hubs will distribute it on a fair-share basis to all branches of the armed forces. This means a letter addressed to a "soldier" may be distributed to an airman, sailor or Marine, allowing for wider distribution. This will also prevent the transportation system or specific units from being inundated.

To send mail to a specific area, address it to the closest geographic hub:

FOR EUROPE AND SOUTHWEST ASIA:

Any Service Member

OPERATION DEAR ABBY

APO AE 09135

FOR THE MEDITERRANEAN BASIN:

Any Service Member

OPERATION DEAR ABBY

FPO AE 09646

FOR THE FAR EAST:

Any Service Member

OPERATION DEAR ABBY

APO AP 96285

FOR THE PACIFIC BASIN:

Any Service Member

OPERATION DEAR ABBY

FPO AP 96385

The U.S. Postal Service will begin accepting this mail on Nov. 15, 2000. After Jan. 15, 2001, mail will no longer be accepted for these addresses.

Readers, because Operation Dear Abby ZIP codes are temporary, they are not always entered into postal computers, and clerks may not be aware that they are valid. If you encounter difficulty at your local post office, ask the clerk to check postal bulletins 22035 (Oct. 19, 2000) and/or 22036 (Nov. 2, 2000).

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a neighbor (friend) who's 55. I'm 60. We're both in good physical condition and share similar interests. No matter what we do, we always have a good time. I've gotten to know her well enough to consider her the match of my dreams.

She knows how I feel about her, but early on, she stated that she had a history of bad relationships. (She's been married twice; I've been married once.) She claims that most men want only to dominate her.

Every single holiday, she leaves town accompanied by other friends with no other word to me than, "Talk to you later!" As I write this, she's been gone four days following a 10-day illness. During those 10 days, I nursed her -- running errands, buying her flowers, washing her car, bringing her food, you name it.

I don't know what to do. I have respected her privacy and given her all the space she seems to need, and I hate to walk away. This feeling of being left standing on the back porch while she's running out the front door has become really hurtful. My friends say if I confront her, she'll be gone -- and maybe I should just enjoy our relationship for what it is.

Abby, what's your take on this? -- SMITTEN IN ODESSA, TEXAS

DEAR SMITTEN: When it's clear that no commitment is forthcoming, people who want a serious relationship usually drift away. Only those who think they do not deserve better remain in the unhappy "status quo."

DEAR ABBY: After reading "Missing Mom in Minneapolis," about the sister who submitted a $10,000 bill to her mother's estate for services rendered, I was compelled to write.

I once worked for a private home health-care agency in Maryland, doing all of their billing and payroll. I understand matters of money are difficult, especially when a family member dies.

The sister who was not asked to care for their mother, but did so anyway, probably wasn't offered any help either. Had their mother had to pay for those services (24 hours/365 days/five years), the costs would have totaled about $265,000.

That family not only got a terrific deal financially, but I'm sure the mother appreciated having a family member look after her when she needed it most. -- NAVY WIFE LIVING IN JAPAN

DEAR NAVY WIFE: I agree.

P.S. Your figures are astonishing!

DEAR ABBY: At the end of this week, I'll be leaving my job after working here for 14 years. A co-worker with whom I have worked for three years has given me a very expensive gift worth around $400. I suppose it's a token of friendship. He didn't really explain; he just said, "I've got something for you."

Frankly, I was shocked to get such a lavish gift. It's something he and I had spoken about, so he knew I adored it, but would never buy it for myself.

Abby, what should I do? Some people in the office are saying I shouldn't accept it; others tell me I should give him an expensive gift in return. Your thoughts, please. -- EAGER TO MAKE THE RIGHT MOVE

DEAR EAGER: If your co-worker hadn't been able to afford the gift, he would not have given it. Since you had discussed the item with him, he knew it was something you would like. Count your blessings -- not the least of which is that you have such a generous friend. Write him a lovely thank-you letter, keep the gift (and his phone number), and enjoy utilizing both of them.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)