DEAR ABBY: My older sister "Jane" and I used to be close. She married 10 years ago, and her husband has done very well. Jane is a stay-at-home mom with three children. She and her husband recently purchased a million-dollar home in the wealthy area of our city. I took a different path, and now work full time in an industry I love. I enjoy life with my husband and two children. We have a lovely house in the suburbs.

Lately, whenever Jane and I are together -- whether it's alone or in public -- she has become aggressive about comparing our lifestyles. Although I wish Jane well, she has paid a high price for her affluence. I am not, nor have I ever been, jealous of her status. I have tried to convince her of this, but she tunes me out and continues her monologue about her nanny, housekeeper, new cottage, etc. I'm sure you get the picture. I have almost come to the point where I don't want to see her anymore.

Please guide me through this, Abby. I am annoyed and frustrated. How shall I handle this in the future? -- YOUNGER SIS

DEAR YOUNGER SIS: You can't change other people, but you can change the way you react to them.

Although your sister "married well," she appears to be insecure and insensitive to the feelings of others. That is pitiable, not enviable. When she starts spouting off, bear that in mind and don't take the bait. It may help you to be more tolerant of her.

DEAR ABBY: I must reply to the letter you reprinted recently from the irate mother whose 16-year-old son received a birthday card from his grandparent with a note enclosed, telling him he was getting only the card -- but no money that year -- because he had failed to send a thank-you note for the money he had been given the year before. You told the mother that you thought the grandmother had given the young man a birthday gift far more valuable than money.

I disagree. One of my greatest pleasures is giving gifts. However, whenever I do so, I must be absolutely certain that it is, in fact, a gift. That means I expect nothing in return -- not even a thank-you. A gift should be given for no other reason than the joy of giving. It should be a celebration of the fact that you have someone to give to. -- GORDON READE, PALO ALTO, CALIF.

DEAR GORDON: I have received a blitz of mail about that letter, and the "reviews" are running 50-50 regarding whether my answer was correct. Perhaps I should have elaborated further.

Teaching children the social graces may not be fun for a parent, but it is a duty, because those skills -- or the lack of them -- will affect the way those children are regarded for the rest of their lives. Failure to teach them is a disservice to the children.

Writing thank-you letters is a skill that must be learned and honed. It doesn't come "naturally." When a gift -- or a kind gesture, for that matter -- goes unacknowledged, it indicates that the recipient thought so little of it that it wasn't even a blip on the radar screen. It sends a terrible message about the manners, sensitivity and upbringing of the person who received the gift.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from "Concerned in Phoenix," about the friend whose husband scares the 2-year-old. Tell "Concerned" to lighten up! This kid isn't getting traumatized. I have been scaring my three kids since they were 6, 3 and 1. The 3-year-old was looking for me and I decided to hide and scare him. Yes, he did turn white and jump a mile -- but the laughter and hugs and kisses that followed more than made up for it. All three kids and my husband joined in the game and have spent the last 10 years scaring me back.

Everyone is happy and healthy, and we share a great sense of humor. It's all in fun. My only rules are never to do it to be evil, and don't scare anyone over 50. I don't want anyone dying of a heart attack. -- SCARED AND HAPPY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR S AND H: Scaring a young child is an act of sadism, and I couldn't disagree with you more emphatically. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My father was sadistic and did the same things to my brother, my mom and me. He also thought it was funny. When we were toddlers, he would put on masks and chase us around the house. He once held my brother out the window of a two-story apartment just to see Mom's reaction. My entire life I've had nightmares of being chased, caught and killed.

Finally, after intensive therapy, the dreams have stopped. But to this day, if my husband impulsively comes up behind me to give me a hug, I cringe and get sick to my stomach. Not only does that father need counseling, but the mother does, too. -- N.L.O. in L.A.

DEAR ABBY: My dad thought it was "fun time" when he caught mice in a trap. They would still be alive, and he'd put them on our feet while we were in bed, either sleeping or awake. To this day, I become very upset and shake like a leaf when I see a mouse.

I agree with you, Abby. That dad is sadistic. Even after all these years, my father's scare tactics have left me damaged. -- STILL TREMBLING IN FLORIDA

DEAR ABBY: My grandmother took joy in repeatedly scaring me half to death. She'd put on a scary mask and jump from behind doors or from dark corners. She thought it was funny when I shook and cried so hard I couldn't catch my breath.

Because of the emotional scars I received, I grew up afraid of my own shadow. I have a terribly strong fear of the unknown. I'm still battling those childhood demons. Abby, please print this. That child will become like me if his father doesn't stop. -- FEARFUL IN VIRGINIA

DEAR ABBY: Because my father delighted in scaring me when I was only 2 -- I am 57 now -- I am afraid of deep water, heights and also nighttime. I will not walk down an unlighted country road, let alone go into the basement of a house at night. Although the streets in my neighborhood are well lighted, I avoid walking past homes with a hedge extending to the main sidewalk. If a car is parked in the driveway, I walk near the curb. If anyone comes unannounced to my home at night, I will not answer the door.

When I was in the service, one of my roommates thought I was joking when I told him about my fear of the dark. One night he put his arm on my shoulder. I was so badly frightened, I flipped him over my head. He was 6 feet 2 inches and weighed more than 250 pounds. I'm just 6 feet tall and weighed 170. It took seven men to haul me off him. They tell me I was using his head for a football. He was hospitalized for more than two months.

I wish my dad had gotten counseling when I was 2. I wonder why he didn't -- and why he refused to grow up. -- AFRAID OF THE DARK

DEAR AFRAID: At this point, so do millions of other people -- including me.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "CAN'T STOP TALKING IN CLASS": Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. Learn to button your lip and listen to your teachers. Once you master the art of listening, your grades should vastly improve.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I need your opinion about something that happened at school. I am 13 years old, and my science teacher has an expression that bothers me. He says, "Life's unfair -- and then you die." He uses this expression whenever a student complains about something. He thinks it's funny.

I know kids complain a lot, but I think he is wrong to say this. He makes it seem like life is hopeless. It makes me think about the boys in Colorado who shot up their school, and about teen-agers who commit suicide. I think they felt hopeless, too.

I would complain to the principal, but he knows about this, and he also thinks it's funny. What do you think? -- WONDERING IN MURRIETA, CALIF.

DEAR WONDERING: I think your teacher needs some new material, because if you have quoted him accurately, his attitude is extremely condescending. Perhaps he should lay off the smart remarks and consider whether some of those complaints are valid.

One thing is certain: He will never make it as a stand-up comic. He should put more effort into his daytime job.

DEAR ABBY: Until January 1997, I thought I was destined to die weighing more than 350 pounds. Losing weight seemed like an insurmountable challenge. However, a health crisis got me started, and with the motivation, information and fellowship provided by the weight-loss support group TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly), I have literally become half the person I used to be.

I'm proud to report that I'm at the goal weight prescribed by my doctor. I now wear clothes nine sizes less than I did three years ago. Abby, I can now walk up to four miles without stopping instead of one block, and I'm able to climb 10 flights of stairs without breathing hard. I'm sharing this personal information to encourage others who struggle with being overweight to consider joining a chapter of TOPS for help.

TOPS differs from commercial weight-loss organizations. Goals and food plans are not set by TOPS; members get their food plans and goals from their physicians. Ours is the oldest international, nonprofit weight-loss support group, and our philosophy is that change comes from within. By helping one another, TOPS members make that lifesaving change.

I owe my life to TOPS, and I know from personal experience that it can be a godsend to many of your readers. Please let people know about it, Abby. -- ROE WIERSGALLA, MILWAUKEE

DEAR ROE: First, let me congratulate you on your 180-pound weight loss. The photographs that accompanied your letter show you to be not only beautiful on the inside, but on the outside as well.

Readers, I have mentioned TOPS in this column before. It was founded in 1948 and boasts more than 270,000 members worldwide in more than 11,000 chapters. TOPS provides friendship and emotional support for its members, both inside and outside meetings. It is affordable -- annual dues are only $20 in the United States and $25 in Canada. Local dues are set by each chapter to cover expenses and are normally 50 cents to $1 a week. Because TOPS is affordable, members can receive ongoing support necessary to maintain their goals for a lifetime.

TOPS offers retreats, rallies and recognition days, as well as a monthly membership magazine. It is also a leading supporter of obesity research, and since 1966 has donated more than $5 million to fund obesity and metabolic programs at the Medical College of Wisconsin. Those interested may obtain more information by calling the toll-free number: (800) 932-8677 or by visiting the Web site at www.tops.org.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)