DEAR ABBY: I need your opinion about something that happened at school. I am 13 years old, and my science teacher has an expression that bothers me. He says, "Life's unfair -- and then you die." He uses this expression whenever a student complains about something. He thinks it's funny.

I know kids complain a lot, but I think he is wrong to say this. He makes it seem like life is hopeless. It makes me think about the boys in Colorado who shot up their school, and about teen-agers who commit suicide. I think they felt hopeless, too.

I would complain to the principal, but he knows about this, and he also thinks it's funny. What do you think? -- WONDERING IN MURRIETA, CALIF.

DEAR WONDERING: I think your teacher needs some new material, because if you have quoted him accurately, his attitude is extremely condescending. Perhaps he should lay off the smart remarks and consider whether some of those complaints are valid.

One thing is certain: He will never make it as a stand-up comic. He should put more effort into his daytime job.

DEAR ABBY: Until January 1997, I thought I was destined to die weighing more than 350 pounds. Losing weight seemed like an insurmountable challenge. However, a health crisis got me started, and with the motivation, information and fellowship provided by the weight-loss support group TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly), I have literally become half the person I used to be.

I'm proud to report that I'm at the goal weight prescribed by my doctor. I now wear clothes nine sizes less than I did three years ago. Abby, I can now walk up to four miles without stopping instead of one block, and I'm able to climb 10 flights of stairs without breathing hard. I'm sharing this personal information to encourage others who struggle with being overweight to consider joining a chapter of TOPS for help.

TOPS differs from commercial weight-loss organizations. Goals and food plans are not set by TOPS; members get their food plans and goals from their physicians. Ours is the oldest international, nonprofit weight-loss support group, and our philosophy is that change comes from within. By helping one another, TOPS members make that lifesaving change.

I owe my life to TOPS, and I know from personal experience that it can be a godsend to many of your readers. Please let people know about it, Abby. -- ROE WIERSGALLA, MILWAUKEE

DEAR ROE: First, let me congratulate you on your 180-pound weight loss. The photographs that accompanied your letter show you to be not only beautiful on the inside, but on the outside as well.

Readers, I have mentioned TOPS in this column before. It was founded in 1948 and boasts more than 270,000 members worldwide in more than 11,000 chapters. TOPS provides friendship and emotional support for its members, both inside and outside meetings. It is affordable -- annual dues are only $20 in the United States and $25 in Canada. Local dues are set by each chapter to cover expenses and are normally 50 cents to $1 a week. Because TOPS is affordable, members can receive ongoing support necessary to maintain their goals for a lifetime.

TOPS offers retreats, rallies and recognition days, as well as a monthly membership magazine. It is also a leading supporter of obesity research, and since 1966 has donated more than $5 million to fund obesity and metabolic programs at the Medical College of Wisconsin. Those interested may obtain more information by calling the toll-free number: (800) 932-8677 or by visiting the Web site at www.tops.org.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I must respond to "Daughter of an Iron-Willed Mom," whose mother is against her reuniting with her abusive boyfriend. Perhaps she will listen to someone who's been there.

My ex-husband was abusive. I continued to forgive him and go back to him over and over, until all my family and friends refused to help me anymore. My 10-year-old daughter and I were homeless and at our wits' end for nine months before I finally landed on my feet. It was pure hell.

After seven years of hard work and heartache, we are secure and stable and have no more worries about that man returning. He finally found some other poor woman to terrorize and has remarried.

Please, Abby, inform the woman that abusers talk a good game because they really believe what they're saying -- until the next time they get mad. Then the deep-seated patterns that lead to abusive behavior reassert themselves, and they are unable to control their anger, no matter how many promises they've made. I know. And I have the scars to prove it. -- NEVER AGAIN IN ASHLAND, ORE.

DEAR NEVER AGAIN: I'm printing your letter in the hope that "Daughter" will see it. Although a minority of batterers can change, the vast majority of them will not recognize that they are the ones with the problem. They are convinced that their victims "deserved" the battery. They are sociopaths -- unable to identify with the feelings of other people.

The worst kind of batterers -- the psychopaths -- are the ones who turn up in media reports. These sick male batterers are responsible for the murders of at least four women a day in this country -- and when secondary victims of their unbridled rage (children, relatives, neighbors) are added, the numbers probably double.

My experts tell me that batterers rarely accept responsibility for their violent behavior, and because of that, they are not motivated to change.

The victims of domestic abuse are the ones most likely to be helped by counseling. They often believe the batterer when told the abuse was their own fault, but with the help of a trained counselor, this untruth can be exposed and the unwarranted guilt can be erased.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 32-year-old single mother of two terrific boys, 8 and 10. It's been a little more than two years since my divorce, and I have recently started dating.

Lucky for me, I met a wonderful man who is 52 years young. He's very active and doesn't look his age. I have never met anyone who shared so many of my interests. We water-ski, scuba-dive, Rollerblade, go to movies, enjoy the same foods -- and so many other things.

We've been seeing each other four months now, and it's been wonderful -- except for one thing: He doesn't want the responsibility of raising children. He seems to love mine, but says that because he never had his own, he doesn't have the desire to be a dad.

Other than this one issue, we have a wonderful relationship, and he would like me to be more free to travel with him. However, it's hard for me to leave my children for two weeks at a time.

About a month ago, I wrote him a letter telling him that maybe we should both move on. I told him I cared for him dearly, but didn't think it was fair for him to hold on to me when I'm not exactly what he is looking for. We talked it over and decided that since things were going so well for us, we should continue our relationship until things change. He's very attractive and has given me no reason to move on; however, in the back of my mind I wonder if I am wasting my time, since I know he doesn't want a real role in my kids' lives.

Abby, what should I do? Leave our romance "as is" or force myself to move on? -- TOTALLY CONFUSED IN FLORIDA

DEAR TOTALLY CONFUSED: At this time in your sons' lives, they need to be your top priority. Focus on that, and I have a hunch everything else will fall into place -- whether or not this man remains in the picture.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Ten years ago, my husband decided that we would purchase a motor home and travel.

Biggest mistake I ever made. He refuses to look at a map. I am supposed to give the exact directions to all places, and if I get us lost, he goes totally berserk. We spend our nights in dirty truck stops; we do not "see the sights" because he passes everything by. I am supposed to do all the cooking, cleaning, etc. And to top it off, I get to do the laundry in the seediest Laundromats -- with no help from him.

We spend two or three months a year cooped up in this tiny space while he watches TV (his channels). I have no place to carry a few hobby-type things to keep me from getting bored. Most of the time he's in a rotten mood, and I can't get away.

Ladies, please think twice before your better half talks you into an RV. I would love to stay home, but he's so unreasonable, he won't hear of it. I try to tell him my feelings, but he doesn't want to hear them. How do I handle this situation? I simply hate this lifestyle. It is not fun. It is claustrophobic and inconvenient. -- RV PRISONER IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR PRISONER: It's time to parole yourself. You have tolerated this situation far longer than most women would have. RVing is not for everyone. Turn up the volume and inform your jailer that you've served your time. Either he immediately begins pulling his fair share of the "housekeeping" chores and sharing the remote control, or you're on the next plane home. Then do it.

DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "Fuming in Ridgefield, N.J.," who was upset because she didn't receive a thank-you letter from her friend's daughter after sending a wedding gift.

A few months following my wedding, a friend of mine was married and I sent a gift. During the time that her thank-you notes would have been written, I moved to another address. Although I had my mail forwarded, I know of several pieces I did not receive. Because I didn't receive a thank-you note from my friend, I assumed it was lost in the mail, and I have never mentioned it to her. While I agree that it is unacceptable not to send a thank-you for a gift, I thought this might shed some light on why some people may not receive one. -- THANKFUL IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR THANKFUL: If an acknowledgment of a gift is not forthcoming, the giver should diplomatically ask if the gift was received. Let me share a story with you:

One day I was talking with the late David Orgell, a brilliant retailer in Beverly Hills, whose store was patronized by celebrities and other wealthy folk. What he told me was an eye-opener. He said that finding delivery people he could trust was an ongoing problem, because packages were sometimes stolen by store couriers. He said florists and other retailers experience the same frustrating problem. He was emphatic that if acknowledgment of a gift is not received, the sender should follow up by asking if the package ever arrived. He also suggested that when instructing a store to deliver a gift, proof of delivery should be requested -- meaning that someone must sign for it.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)