DEAR ABBY: I have been living with a man for more than a year. We get along perfectly, and he says he loves me.

The problem is he will not make a commitment to get married. I do everything a wife would do to make a comfortable home for us. I am approaching middle age, and I want the security of marriage.

Should I wait for him, hoping he will change his mind, or should I move on and find someone who would like to make a commitment? Any help would be appreciated. -- DISAPPOINTED IN SEATTLE

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Sometimes people don't realize how precious something is until it's gone. Tell your roommate he has had enough free samples, that it's marriage or nothing. If he loves you, you'll get your proposal. If he doesn't, you are better off without him.

P.S. A man who loves a woman wants her to have the security that comes with a marriage license.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think my mother's brother and his wife should be invited to my parents' 50th wedding anniversary dinner when, three years ago, they failed to acknowledge the death of my brother? My uncle claimed illness for not visiting the funeral home or attending the funeral. They never sent flowers or even a card. (And their granddaughter owns a card shop!)

They live nearby, and when we saw them later at other family functions, they never offered anyone in our immediate family their condolences. -- HURT AND ANGRY IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR HURT AND ANGRY: Please do not be so quick to judge. People grieve in their own way. Not everyone is comfortable attending funerals, and your uncle and his wife may have been afraid to bring up the subject of your brother's death for fear of causing you even more pain.

Unless your parents wish to single these relatives out for exclusion, they should be invited.

DEAR ABBY: My mother died recently. She was ill for five years and lived at home. Four of her adult children lived in the area. One of my sisters took it upon herself to set up Mom's medications and regularly take her to her many doctor's appointments. The rest of us did not ask her to do this, but it was a relief to know that she was able to do it for Mom.

Now that Mom has passed away, my sister has submitted a bill to the estate for $10,000 for "services rendered." Since the entire estate is worth only about $60,000, and the will states that everything is to be divided equally between all five children, the four of us feel her request is unreasonable.

How should we handle this? No matter what we decide, someone will be angry. -- MISSING MOM IN MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR MISSING MOM: Ask your sister how she came up with that figure. Investigate the current rates for home health-care workers in your area. You and your siblings should decide fairly among you how much your sister's efforts were worth, and reimburse her accordingly. (You may be surprised how reasonable her figure is!)

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 37 years old and have one older brother who is 39. When we were growing up, our family was very close, but something happened when my father passed away eight years ago. Within a few years my mother remarried. Soon after, my marriage to an abusive man fell apart.

My brother decided to support my ex-husband and held me responsible for not giving him a "second chance." This hurt me deeply. When my mother recently divorced -- her husband wanted the divorce -- again, my brother took the husband's side. My brother's wife is a born-again Christian and doesn't believe in divorce, no matter what the reason.

My mother is heartbroken and so am I. I always looked up to my brother. I wish I knew it was his wife's influence and not his choice. He promised our father on his deathbed that he would take care of us. Not only has he walked away from us in our time of need, he has sided against us. I have tried talking to him, but it doesn't work. Is there anything I can do? I still love my brother and always will. -- SNIFFLING SIBLING IN TEXAS

DEAR SNIFFLING: If talking to your brother hasn't helped, there is nothing more you can do. I don't know whether his identification with other men is so strong that it colors the way he views you and his mother -- or whether he is unable (or unwilling) to keep his deathbed promise and can't face either of you. However, the reality is that you and she will have to rely on yourselves. Love him if you wish, but don't count on him for anything.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, who lives with us, still clings to the cultural values of the old country and expects everybody to conform to them. This sometimes results in confrontation and ill feelings among family members.

My son, who is 16, frequently brings friends home. Most of the time he remembers to introduce them to the family members, but there are times when he thinks he has already introduced them, so he doesn't.

My mother-in-law gets upset when the young people who show up at home do not acknowledge her. She comes from a culture steeped in values such as respect for elders. She feels these young guests should greet her, or smile at her, and that they have to do it first before she will return the greeting.

Although I value such traditions, in my opinion she does not have to wait. She can initiate the introduction. I told her she should just say hello to them and ask them nonchalantly to introduce themselves. She is adamant that she should be greeted first. I explained that we do not know if these young people are shy, or whether they have not been properly taught by their own parents. None of the kids are overtly rude, either to my mother-in-law or me. Who is right in this instance? -- MODERN MOTHER, CERRITOS, CALIF.

DEAR MODERN MOTHER: I don't know where your mother-in-law hails from, but in our culture it is also proper for young people to defer to older people. Make it clear to your son that when he brings friends to the house, he should make a point of greeting his grandmother and asking if she has met them. If she hasn't, he should introduce them. He should also explain to his friends what kind of behavior is expected from him -- and them.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'll bet you get mail from your readers about your reply to "Homer in San Diego," who is offended when guests sit on his kitchen counter.

Covered or uncovered, I don't want anyone's "tuckus" on my kitchen counters where I prepare food. How gross! Have you stopped to think where their backsides might have been before they got to your house? I don't even place grocery bags on my counter after they have picked up goodness-knows-what from the market basket, counter or car trunk.

I would usher my guests to chairs and tell them seating was more comfortable there. As for spraying the counter with bleach before they arrive, I'd spray after they left -- not only with bleach but with disinfectant as well. -- SALLY IN NEW ORLEANS

DEAR SALLY: What I had in mind by spraying the counter with bleach before counter-sitters arrive was to discourage them from sitting there. A strong scent of bleach would cause them to reconsider their selection of a place to sit.

You're right about my hearing from readers about that answer. Most of them thought my answer was "counter-productive." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: People putting their backsides on a kitchen counter? NOT IN MY HOUSE! I don't want anyone's tush on a counter where I prepare food.

"Homer's" "terrific friends" must have flunked hygiene. -- ARLINE MILLER, THOUSAND OAKS, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: When my son and daughter were growing up in the '60s and '70s, most of our conversations took place in the kitchen with me sitting in a chair and them perched on the counter. Thirty years later, my grandsons still sit on the counter while we talk.

My son died five years ago. I wish I could see him sit on that countertop again. -- GRANNIE IN HUNTSVILLE, ALA.

DEAR ABBY: This is for the friends of "Homer in San Diego":

"Counters are for glasses,

"Not for a----!"

I'm sure you can fill in the blank. -- J.B., VICTORVILLE, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I have an important decision to make, and I'm not sure what it should be. I am engaged to a wonderful man who is perfect in every way -- except one. He hates dogs. I have a beautiful, well-behaved, 4-year-old German shepherd. I love my dog dearly. My fiance will not permit me to keep the dog when we marry. I may be able to give it to a family member, but it is not definite.

Abby, I love this man and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I am not so sure how much it would hurt me to give up my pet. I am 56 years old and just want to enjoy life. Please advise me. -- CAROL, MENTOR, OHIO

DEAR CAROL: Gladly. If you want to enjoy life, keep the dog and give up your fiance. Any man who would demand that you give up your beloved pet is no bargain and doesn't know the meaning of love.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)