DEAR ABBY: I am a teacher with more than 25 years invested in the lives of young people. You stress that parents need to provide their children with sex education because this is what will help them the most to make informed choices. May I present some pearls of wisdom from my experience and observations in working with youth?

Do all that you possibly can to help your children feel successful. Be their greatest fans. Encourage them to participate in activities that challenge and enrich them. Be generous with praise, both for efforts and accomplishments. Take time to write them special notes and look for cards to give them that contain messages of love and pride. (I still treasure the note my mother wrote to me when she felt she had neglected to acknowledge my hardworking efforts.)

Do things together. Hug them. Hug them again. The care and effort you extend to your children, in helping them build strong self-esteem, will generate huge dividends in the form of healthy, wholesome choices when they become teen-agers and young adults.

I can still hear my 30-year-old nephew telling us that as a child he always felt like a "good person" because we always told them what good kids they were. He became a teacher. -- STILL TEACHING AND TELLING THEM THEY'RE TERRIFIC

DEAR STILL TEACHING: Thank you for a terrific letter. I hope parents will take your message to heart. I was touched by the notepaper upon which your letter was written. Printed on it was: "GOALS. No one can predict to what heights you can soar until you spread your wings." How true.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I both have full-time jobs. Whenever I suggest that he help out more, his reply is always, "I do what I can."

Abby, if I had that attitude, our dog would be five years dead and the two cats multiplied to 400. The roof would have caved in on all the dust bunnies, a sink of dirty dishes and matching orange crates. Food in the refrigerator would be green and moldy with no way to cook it because of a broken stove. Utility companies would have turned off the power (but we'd still get a breeze through the broken window). Children's services would have arrested us for neglect, I'd still be wearing my college wardrobe, and my smile would reveal no teeth.

I've decided to throw myself a party. I'm inviting the veterinarian, roofer, appliance salesman, landscaper, but not my husband. He is finally going to have to do something -- like call an attorney. Sadly, however, he won't be left regretting his lack of familial duty. His mother will rescue her "baby boy" again.

Women: Take a lesson from someone who's been there. Find out just what it is he CAN do before buying a wedding dress! -- FINALLY FREE

DEAR FINALLY FREE: I am reminded of that old song, "It's So Nice to Have a Man Around the House." I'm sorry that yours failed to live up to your expectations.

In fairness, women should not automatically expect men to fix a roof (or a cat). However, if necessary, they should be able to call someone who can, and schedule an appointment.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: "Angry Arizona Mom" hates to make waves when her in-laws give her sons sips of alcohol. I, too, didn't make waves when my stepfather taught my younger son and nephew to smoke. I wanted the boys to have a good relationship with their grandfather. Today, they both smoke, and although they talk of quitting, they can't because they are so severely hooked.

I also said nothing when my brother and sister were slipping off during family parties to smoke a joint. As a result, I sent my own children the message that smoking joints was OK. My nephew ended up having his stomach pumped to save him from an overdose of drugs, and my son was discharged from military service due to his addiction to drugs.

I have finally wised-up, Abby. I have laid down the law to protect my grandchildren. If I had it to do over again, I would draw the line sooner. Parents must stand up for what is right. Hurting the feelings of in-laws is a small price to pay for protecting one's children. -- SADDER BUT WISER IN FLORIDA

DEAR WISER: I'm pleased you finally found the conviction to speak out for what you know is right. Children cannot be expected to know what they haven't been taught. That's why adults are supposed to make mature decisions even if they're not always popular. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I must respond to "Angry Mom in Arizona," whose father-in-law allows his young grandchildren to take "sips" of his beer.

I am a 37-year-old male writing from the Hillsborough County Jail in Tampa, Fla. I am here because of a fourth DUI (driving under the influence) arrest -- the result of 20 years of alcohol abuse.

Abby, I was brought up to sip from my dad's and uncles' beers. I vividly remember the first time I got drunk. I was 5. I honestly believe it triggered something in my body. I loved the taste.

Forget the legal issues and the morality of giving liquor to small children. Consider instead the very real danger of alcohol poisoning and a life of possible addiction!

That grandfather is doing something detrimental to the welfare of those innocent children. The parents should forget about "hurting his feelings" and put a stop to it.

I am finishing a court-ordered relapse program here in jail. I look forward to a clean and sober extended life when I am released. I have seen the hell of alcohol abuse and it's not pretty.

Please print this so others won't have to experience what I have been through. -- LOOKING FORWARD TO FREEDOM DEAR LOOKING FORWARD: If your testimonial doesn't get the attention of parents, nothing will. I have been told that children in families of alcoholics can have a genetic predisposition to the disease themselves, and that many alcoholics report having that same feeling of "completion" that you described upon tasting their first drink -- another reason why it's unwise to allow small children to develop a taste for alcohol.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I just had to write after reading the letter from the lady who signed herself, "Tired of All This Misbehaving."

I am 80, and I found her remarks offensive. When I was retired by my employer, I couldn't manage on my Social Security check. I tried to find another job, but no one wanted to hire me at my age.

A male acquaintance retired soon after, and realized that he, too, didn't have the funds to keep his apartment. I had a five-bedroom townhouse, and thought of renting out some rooms. However, a lawyer friend told me that if I advertised for roomers I would have to rent to anyone who had the money; I could not pick and choose. I was afraid to do that because I would continue to live there, too.

So I invited this man, who was a trusted neighbor, to share my home and expenses. This way we both could live in comfort, and it would cost us less money. We go shopping and attend church together. We also visit friends who are now in nursing homes. We have never slept together or had sex.

I know of other seniors who have similar arrangements so they can live decently and not go broke in the bargain. Recently, another senior male has joined us. We share expenses and household chores so it's easier on all of us. We get along like a family of sisters and brothers. Marrying just so outsiders won't criticize one's living arrangement is not always the right thing to do.

Please print this, Abby. I want people to know that it isn't always "living in sin" or "shacking up" as that lady thinks. –- AN ABBY FAN IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR FAN: I'm please to print your letter. As I said to the woman whose letter prompted yours, "Seniors who live together choose to do so for a variety of reasons, which are usually well thought out." People should not judge others.

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee is having financial problems. I want to help her, but she insists that I shouldn't because she'll be mad at me. I really want to help her. I don't like to see her struggle, and I have the money to do it -– plus, we're being married soon, so what's the big deal? What should I do? –- IN LOVE IN FLORIDA

DEAR IN LOVE: Don't force your help on your fiancee after she has refused it. This could be an important learning experience for her, and it's a chance for you to see her level of ingenuity and perseverance. I respect her stance and for not taking the easy way out. For the time being, be patient and keep your checkbook closed.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend whose husband tries to scare his 2-year-old child by jumping out of closets, from behind trees, etc.

I have seen the child tremble, cry and turn pale. The man thinks it is a "fun time" with his child.

What do you think of his behavior? He will see your answer. -– CONCERNED IN PHOENIX

DEAR CONCERNED: I hope you'll make sure he sees it. There is nothing "fun" about traumatizing a child. The father is sadistic, and he should consult with a psychotherapist to understand why he gets pleasure out of his child's pain, and to learn firsthand how damaging his "scare tactics" are.

If he refuses to stop, he should be reported to Children's Protective Services.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)