DEAR ABBY: Last fall, my live-in boyfriend was abusive to me. My parents chipped right in and helped me move back to my hometown. They were wonderful and supportive even though I'd let them down in the past. They even bought a house so my children and I would have somewhere to live.

This boyfriend went to classes, did a lot of praying and I believe he's actually changed. I really do! Abby, he's the father of one of my children. We've started seeing each other and it really feels right. We want to get married.

My mother refuses to accept that he could have changed, and makes it clear she doesn't approve. She says if I get back together with him, they will have wasted all that time and money they invested in bailing me out. She says it's my low self-esteem that makes me want to see him.

I don't know how to resolve this. I'm in my late 30s yet I still want my parents' approval. Please help. -- DAUGHTER OF AN IRON-WILLED IOWA MOM

DEAR DAUGHTER: Your mother knows you better than I do. She loves you and doesn't want to see you hurt again, and I can't fault her for that.

Daughter, I'm extremely skeptical about your chances of success in this relationship. If you decide to pursue it, I wish you the best of luck because I'm convinced you're going to need it.

A small percentage of abusers -- those who are truly determined and self-motivated -- can change if they receive long-term counseling. Only time (at least another year of counseling) will tell if this leopard has been able to change his spots.

Under no circumstances should you reconcile with him unless you maintain financial independence. That way, if he should backslide, you won't have to depend on anyone to bail you out. Should you decide to marry this "prize" I urge you to have a rock-solid prenuptial agreement so that you will be taken care of.

So your parents feel they have not "wasted" the money they invested in trying to help you, sell or rent the house and give the proceeds to them.

DEAR ABBY: I quit my job last year to stay at home with my children. All of a sudden, friends and neighbors began calling me to run errands, watch their children, sew costumes for the school plays, etc. Nobody seemed to understand that being a mother IS a full-time job.

Finally, I found a way to stop all the requests for favors: I made up fliers advertising myself as a "domestic consultant." I offered to baby-sit, pick up dry cleaning and groceries, sew and do other odd jobs for a negotiable fee.

The calls are much less frequent now. When someone does call, he or she is prepared to pay me fairly for child care and errand running. When I get requests for things that would interfere with plans I've made with my children (or don't want to do!), I simply tell the caller, "I am overbooked." -- ALREADY WORKING (THANK YOU VERY MUCH)

DEAR ALREADY WORKING (TYVM): You're a clever woman and you may have devised a method from which other stay-at-home parents can benefit.

DEAR ABBY: A good friend of mine was married recently, without a traditional reception. I have now been invited to a postnuptial reception for the couple. Does a postnuptial reception carry an obligation to send a gift? -- BOB IN OHIO

DEAR BOB: Yes, it does. If you attend the reception, a token of your good wishes is in order.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 50 and have been divorced for two years after a 29-year marriage that was, at times, physically and emotionally abusive. I work full-time and attend college full-time.

Two loving and caring friends have helped me through the bad times with encouragement and advice. I often heed their advice, since most of the time it has been good and held true. However, I recently made a decision that has caused a rift between us and this disturbs me.

My son (age 30) and my daughter-in-law (24) have invited me to live with them until I complete my schooling, and I have accepted their invitation. This eases my financial burden (tuition, books, bills, life) greatly. They both have good jobs, no children yet, and are solid and easygoing. My girlfriends are appalled that I could live with my children who have been married only two years! They feel I would be invading their privacy and giving up mine, along with my independence. I assured them that this is only a temporary arrangement, since I have only a year and a half to finish school. I told them the most important factor is that it is OK with my children and OK with me.

My kids and I have discussed privacy issues and personal issues, and we all feel very comfortable with this. One of my friends said she wouldn't visit me at their home because she would "feel uncomfortable." My other friend told me she just doesn't feel that this is right. I love my friends dearly, but I am getting that eerie feeling of "control" from them that I had in my marriage. Am I right, or just paranoid? I'm afraid of making the wrong decision.

My children and I really do feel comfortable with the whole thing. Should I tell my friends it's time to "let me go" and lead my own life now? My friends also disagree with the friendship my ex-husband, his wife and I have. My ex and I both sought counseling during and after our divorce which uncovered a lot of hurt and allowed a lot of healing for both of us.

Help! These two are driving me crazy! -- JANE IN YAKIMA, WASH.

DEAR JANE: You appear to have your life on track after many unhappy years. Your friends may be well-meaning, but threatening not to visit as long as you live with your son and his wife is blackmail. Don't submit to it. Your relationships with your son, his wife and your former husband are admirable. Unless your friends are willing to stop dictating how you should live your life, now may be the time to start broadening your circle of friends.

DEAR ABBY: I dated "Howard" for eight months. He gave me a beautiful diamond tennis bracelet for my birthday. I broke up with him a month later. Now he's asking for the bracelet back! I don't want to return it. Do you think I have to? -- DIAMONDS ARE NOT FOREVER?

DEAR DIAMONDS: A diamond bracelet is a very expensive gift. Since you had it only a month before breaking up with Howard, the honorable thing would be to return it. Perhaps he'll be lucky enough to find another young woman who'll realize that as precious as the bracelet may be, he's the real "jewel."

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife is concerned about potential problems with her older sister. In January, they lost their father. Their mother is still alive. Her sister is executrix of the estate. She has told my wife to her face that she hates her. She accuses me of being a liar, thief and scam artist. (I have never done anything to her. I have always been courteous.)

She informed my wife that she would do everything in her power to see to it that she (my wife) gets nothing from their parents whatsoever. Can my sister-in-law cut my wife out of her rightful inheritance?

My mother-in-law is aware of the bad blood between them, but chooses to ignore it. What can my wife do to protect herself when the awful time comes to confront her sister? According to the will, anyone contesting it would get nothing.

The two sisters have never gotten along, and this will really make them enemies. We both read your column and trust you implicitly. What do you think? -- MARRIED TO THE LESS-LOVED SISTER

DEAR MARRIED: Your wife might suggest to her mother that she name an impartial ("without prejudice") person to be executor of her estate, in order to prevent a problem now or in the future. However, if she is aware of the antipathy her firstborn has for her younger sister and ignores it -- she's condoning it, and that's a shame.

If that's not agreeable, your wife's fears might be eased were she to consult a lawyer who is knowledgeable about wills and trusts in the state in which her parents lived. When someone who has a will dies, that will is filed with the court for probate. The purpose of the probate (a court supervised administration process) is to ensure that the wishes of the deceased are carried out. For instance, if the will says the estate is to be divided 50/50, that's how it must be. As executrix, your sister-in-law may be entitled to a fee, but if it's out of line there may be legal remedies.

It's sad that there's so much ill will between the sisters -- but whatever enmity the elder has for the younger, she's legally obligated to follow the terms of the will. Be prepared for any eventuality, but hold a good thought.

DEAR ABBY: I think a secretary in another department likes me, but I know she dates others occasionally. I never get to see her alone because she works in an open office with other workers.

Do you think it would be a good idea for me to get her home phone number from the database and call her at home? I want to invite her out for coffee. -- SHY TEXAS PRINCE

DEAR SHY PRINCE: No! Accessing personal information from the company database could cost you your job. Walk up to her as she goes on a break and issue your invitation in person. Because you are shy, it may be difficult, but the direct approach is definitely more appropriate and far more likely to get the results you hope for.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)