DEAR ABBY: I'm in my late 30s and have no one to confide in. I couldn't find any available men, so last year I ended up having an affair with an unhappily married man. A few weeks later, his ex-wife kicked him out. I gladly took him in. I deeply regret not getting to know him first. His kids refuse to speak to me, and he doesn't want any more children.

My family dislikes him and warned me about getting involved in the first place. His relationship with his own family is poor, and he has no close friends.

I'm beginning to understand why he was unhappy in his marriage, but it's too late to give him back to his ex. I feel stuck with him because he left his family to be with me. I can't even leave because we're in my house. -- TRAPPED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TRAPPED: There are no good excuses for becoming involved with a married man, and believe me, I've heard them all. You have learned the hard way and are paying the price.

As I see it, you're far from "trapped." You both made a choice that you now realize was a blunder, but he's not your responsibility -- so don't compound your mistake. Ask him to leave.

DEAR ABBY: I am going to an evening wedding in a few weeks, and I have a question about proper attire.

My mother always told me not to wear white or black to a wedding, but that was 45 years ago. I have seen both at many weddings in the past 20 years.

After a long search for a dress to wear, I found a stunning black dress with a large, bold, red flower painted across the front and back. It fit and I bought it. Friends have agreed that because of the print, it is OK for this evening wedding, but I keep hearing my mother's voice. What is your opinion? -- VOICE FROM THE PAST

DEAR VOICE: Your mother's fashion advice may have been appropriate 45 years ago, but in the ensuing decades, the rules have relaxed. While I would not advise anyone to wear white to a wedding -- unless specifically instructed to do so -- it is now acceptable to wear black. Enjoy the dress. It sounds lovely.

DEAR ABBY: I am getting married in a couple of months. Unfortunately, I am already having in-law problems. My future sister-in-law wants to invite 14 of her friends to our wedding. Our guest list is already too long for our budget. Even if we could afford it, I certainly don't want the church filled with people we don't know on our wedding day. (Nobody in my family wants to invite their friends.)

What should I do? My future sister-in-law is throwing a fit. -- READY TO ELOPE

DEAR READY: Your fiance must explain to his sister that if she wants to invite 14 people to a party, she should throw one at her place.

Let her have a fit, but draw a "line in the sand" and refuse to give in to her demands. Consider it an opportunity to establish that she will not be permitted to run your life or interfere with your marriage.

Best wishes for a long and happy marriage!

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a mammography technologist. Please help me tell mammogram patients how important it is for them to bring in their old mammogram films when they go to a new X-ray office for this test.

Only if the radiologist who reads the films has the old ones for comparison can he or she determine if the shadows are old or new. Without those films for comparison, the patient may have to undergo more mammography X-rays, and perhaps also a biopsy that might have been avoided had the old films been available to the doctor.

Because of changing insurance, it is not always possible for women to have mammograms done at the same place every time. A patient needs only to keep track of where her mammograms were taken so she can call and ask about the procedure for releasing the films to her. The films will be at the X-ray office where they were taken, not at her doctor's office. If she can't remember, her doctor should be able to tell her.

Don't let anyone tell you that mammograms aren't necessary! -- HOLLY GORDON, FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CALIF.

DEAR HOLLY: Thank you for giving women this important reminder, and for giving me the opportunity to reprint these recommendations from the American Cancer Society for early breast cancer detection.

(1) Women age 40 and older should have a screening mammogram every year.

(2) Between the ages of 20 and 39, women should have a clinical breast exam by a health professional every three years. At age 40, women should have a breast exam by a health professional every year.

(3) Women age 20 or older should perform a breast self-exam (BSE) every month.

(4) If a change occurs, a woman should see her health provider as soon as possible for evaluation.

The American Cancer Society can provide free information on how to perform a BSE by calling (800) 227-2345. You will be referred to your nearest ACS office.

DEAR ABBY: My grandmother lives close to where I work. Sometimes I stop off and have lunch with her, get her groceries, keep up the yard and do a little work around her house. The problem is, she wants to pay me for everything I do. She's not rich, but she's not poor either.

Last week, I vacuumed her basement because she didn't want the furnace man to see it dirty. She slipped me a $20 bill, I refused to take it. She shoved it into my pants pocket and said that if I didn't help her, who would?

I'm uncomfortable taking her money because she's helped other family members her whole life. I feel it's only right to return the favor. How should I handle this? -- LUCKY GRANDSON

DEAR LUCKY: You are fortunate to have such a generous grandmother -- and she's blessed to have a caring grandson like you.

Your grandmother has a lot of pride. Instilled in her generation was the conviction that you "pay your way" in the world. I understand your hesitation, but take the money. Consider applying part of it to something she might enjoy -- a newspaper or magazine subscription, a recording of her favorite music, a prepaid telephone card -- something she might not buy for herself.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Once a year, my mom, my two sisters and I go away for an "all-girl" weekend without husbands and children. We love this tradition and get along great.

My problem is the past few years we have gone to a casino. My sisters and mom love to gamble, but I don't enjoy it as much as they do. I get headaches when I'm in the casino for any length of time, and find myself spending money just to be around them. I've told them how I feel about the casino atmosphere, but it hasn't made a difference.

This year I suggested we go somewhere that doesn't have gambling, but one of my sisters insists that this is her only chance to gamble, so she wants to go somewhere that has a casino. For some of us, this getaway weekend is our only chance to see each other. If I say I don't want to go, I'll miss out on our reunion. If I go, I'll be miserable. Any suggestions? -- MIFFED SIS IN ORANGE COUNTY, CALIF.

DEAR MIFFED: An official vote is in order. State your case clearly, as you have for me. If you're outnumbered and the gang wants to plan next year's trip to another casino, ask them to at least make some compromise on the amount of time spent gambling and mixing in some other entertainment during the weekend.

Keep in mind you needn't spend every minute with them. Find other things to do that will be of more interest to you -- and then join them for meals away from the casino.

Alternatively, consider making the next vacation a short cruise. Some of the larger ships offer gambling -- and many other enjoyable activities.

If it's any comfort, I'm with you all the way. Gambling has never appealed much to me. I prefer a sure thing!

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I recently discovered that my son and his girlfriend, "Lois," are sexually active. They have been seeing each other about nine months and both of them will be 18 in a few months. When her parents found out, they called us and the six of us had a discussion at our home.

Lois' father suggested -- and I agreed -- that they should stay apart for a time and think about their relationship and the consequences of sexual activity. At the time, I presumed that they would be allowed to see each other again at some point.

Abby, these are basically good kids. Neither experiments with drugs. Both get good grades and are involved in school activities. They are good people who made an error in judgment. I feel we must make sure they understand that sex is special and not for just anyone, and that they need to know the importance of safe sex.

My son told me today that Lois' father is considering not letting her leave for college in the fall, and her mother may quit her job to stay home to keep an eye on her during the day. What do you think? -- SAN FRANCISCO DAD

DEAR DAD: I think the young woman's parents have overreacted. They can't keep her under lock and key forever. They have failed to consider that their daughter will be 18 in only a few months and can legally move out of the house.

Your attitude is a far healthier one for all concerned. As much as they might wish to, they cannot protect their daughter from the realities of life -- and by age 18, sex is very much a reality to many people.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)