DEAR ABBY: What has happened to the art of conversation? My husband and I practically run away from some people -- not because of what they are saying, but how much they talk.

We were having dinner in a restaurant recently, and a new acquaintance came in alone. We invited him to join us, and from that moment on, we never spoke again -- just listened as the man droned on and on nonstop. I couldn't believe he could talk and eat at the same time. Another time, a relative we hadn't seen in about 15 years came to our home for dinner. He sat down at our table and proceeded to talk, talk, talk. When he left five hours later, I told my husband that other than knowing where we live, he doesn't know a thing about us.

I have read about young men and women who, even though they are educated, cannot get dates. Perhaps they should ask themselves when they are with new people, who is doing the talking? Both of them? Or is one of them dominating the conversation so there isn't any real give-and-take of ideas?

Please, people: Ask questions about the person you are with. Wait for an answer before jumping in again. I guarantee you'll have friends all around you instead of people walking backward to get out of your range. -- HEARD ENOUGH IN EAU CLAIRE, WIS.

DEAR HEARD ENOUGH: I agree. Being a good listener will do more for a person's popularity rating than being a good talker. People enjoy talking about themselves and their interests if given the chance. And they usually regard the person who's an appreciative audience as a fascinating conversationalist.

Some individuals talk incessantly out of nervousness or because they're compulsive talkers. However, to turn a conversation into a soliloquy is selfish. One of the most appealing traits a person can have is a sincere interest in other people. A person who comes into your company and does all the talking is no less a hog than the person who comes to your table and eats all the food.

DEAR ABBY: I am a day-care provider in Maryland with a touchy problem. The parents of one of my charges (he's 12 months old) have him in an unsafe car seat. It's an infant rear-facing seat for tiny babies that they have turned forward. He hangs over the edges, and I can't even see how it's attached by the seat belt, if it is at all. This child weighs 20 pounds and needs a proper car seat.

If anything happened to him because I didn't say something, I would never forgive myself. But I don't think it's my place to butt in. These are wonderful people, and I really care about their kids. Please advise me. -- DAY-CARE DILEMMA

DEAR D.D.: Speak up. The parents can be excused for their ignorance, but there is no excuse for keeping silent when you know a child is in danger -- and that child is in danger every time he is placed in his parents' car. Please don't procrastinate.

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DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the letter from the Minnesota woman whose godson committed suicide at 18. At the funeral the minister asked for a show of hands from people who would not mind a phone call in the middle of the night from a depressed friend who needed to talk. Every hand went up.

I would like to say this: Many people SAY they are open to such a phone call. As someone who deals with chronic depression and has a history of attempted suicide, please let me share some of my experiences with "reaching out": My usually kind mother criticized me to the point of tears. Good friends have gone into their own problems before I could speak, or have been too busy to talk or call me back.

If you DO "raise your hand" as someone willing to take a call, be ready with love, support and understanding. If you feel you cannot do this, please be honest and kind enough to say so. -- HEALING IN RENO

DEAR HEALING: As loving and caring as friends and family might be, everyone must realize that chronic depression is an illness. While they may be willing to lend an ear -- and many are not -- the wisest course of action is to get the person to a doctor ASAP for professional evaluation and treatment. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: After a suicide, people react. The depressed person "should have" sought help. He or she "should have" called. Well, it's not that simple. More often, other people are distant. They don't really want to hear about the hopelessness and distress. Only in retrospect are they available, when it's too late -- and maybe that's the lesson: We are so busy living our own lives that we don't see it coming.

Depression is an isolating condition. Even when one finds help it can be a long, discouraging process. Prozac doesn't work for everyone. Perhaps if people were more aware of how a clinically depressed person sees the world, perhaps if people knew the right questions to ask, perhaps if people understood the depth of the despair and hopelessness, things would be different.

Please don't use my name. I'm constantly alert so that I keep my depressive tendencies under control -- and oh, what a difference in the quality of life! It's like putting on one's glasses and seeing individual leaves on the trees. I wish I'd been diagnosed earlier. -- DOYLESTOWN, PA.

DEAR DOYLESTOWN: Thank you for educating others about depression. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I wish easing the pain of depression was as easy as asking others for help. When your brain is in a blender at full speed, it's difficult for the proper connections to be made. Picking up a phone can be as overwhelming as picking up a 1,000-pound barbell.

What will help people with depression is more funding, research, scientific breakthroughs in medication and education. Our society has a lack of information about depression. Depression is an illness, not a "lack of character."

My heartfelt sympathy goes out to the godmother who lost her godson at such an early age. It's a tragedy. -- A MOTHER IN OREGON

DEAR MOTHER: I agree. The answer lies in research and education. Sick people should not be stigmatized. Anyone suffering from depression that lasts longer than two weeks should discuss it with a doctor and ask for a referral to a mental health specialist. If that's not possible, a suicide or crisis hotline should be contacted.

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DEAR ABBY: Have you noticed how often people fail to get out of the way of electric carts used to transport people who can't walk long distances at airports? It isn't pure cussedness. It's because the "warning beep" used by these carts is near a sound frequency that cannot be easily processed by the human ear. (See: "How We Localize Sound" by W.M. Hartmann in the November 1999 issue of Physics Today.) Thus, airline commuters cannot tell where the sound is coming from, which is hazardous to both walkers and riders.

This is actually a common engineering blunder. The "beep" to announce an incoming fax on a computer modem and the beep of a modern range timer are both typically at a pitch just above the hearing range of a host of older people. The back-up beeper on trucks and heavy equipment is also in the same frequency range. (The higher sound frequencies are usually the first to go.)

We all know that engineers are set in their ways, but perhaps a wake-up call from you will jolt them out of their ruts. -- JACK SALISBURY, PALM COAST, FLA.

DEAR JACK: Yes, I have observed pedestrians failing to get out of the way of carts at airports -- but I had assumed it was because they were electric vehicles and didn't make much noise. Of course, the drivers of those vehicles usually wind up warning pedestrians to "step aside!"

However, assuming that engineers responsible for designing modern equipment are younger people in full possession of all their faculties, your letter should serve as a reminder that our population is aging, a condition frequently accompanied by some degree of hearing loss.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter from John Gabel about funerals and death -- I find it interesting as a funeral director that there seems to be a "funeral police" who dictate what everybody should want for final services for their loved ones. There are no "wedding police" telling people that they need not have elaborate weddings or that just a simple dress will do.

Those who seek to change ceremony and tradition have the opportunity to change their own ceremony and tradition, because that is what is right for them.

Many people think if they don't have a funeral or memorial service, they are not expressing or feeling the grief that comes from losing a loved one. To use your words ... how absurd.

As in any industry, there are those who seek for themselves by any means to make a huge profit. However, thousands of funeral directors and funeral homes are caring and helpful to those who have lost a loved one. They do not "stalk" people for their money, and they do not "guilt" people into spending money they don't have. They seek to make an honest living and to be able to sleep at night knowing they have done the right thing.

There is no other profession so maligned as those who work to comfort those who have lost a loved one. -- PROUD OF MY PROFESSION, EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR PROUD: After printing that letter I received a stack of mail from members of the funeral industry reminding me that many funeral homes take pride in serving their communities and do not gouge. Their staff are on duty day and night to meet the needs of grieving families and rightfully take pride in what they do. I also received a few letters from people wanting to air grievances because they felt they had been taken advantage of.

The answer lies in being informed consumers, facing the fact of our mortality, and perhaps taking care of the details before the need arises. An important part of that process is being open with one's family about what one's wishes are, and what arrangements have or have not been made.

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