DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the letter from the Minnesota woman whose godson committed suicide at 18. At the funeral the minister asked for a show of hands from people who would not mind a phone call in the middle of the night from a depressed friend who needed to talk. Every hand went up.

I would like to say this: Many people SAY they are open to such a phone call. As someone who deals with chronic depression and has a history of attempted suicide, please let me share some of my experiences with "reaching out": My usually kind mother criticized me to the point of tears. Good friends have gone into their own problems before I could speak, or have been too busy to talk or call me back.

If you DO "raise your hand" as someone willing to take a call, be ready with love, support and understanding. If you feel you cannot do this, please be honest and kind enough to say so. -- HEALING IN RENO

DEAR HEALING: As loving and caring as friends and family might be, everyone must realize that chronic depression is an illness. While they may be willing to lend an ear -- and many are not -- the wisest course of action is to get the person to a doctor ASAP for professional evaluation and treatment. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: After a suicide, people react. The depressed person "should have" sought help. He or she "should have" called. Well, it's not that simple. More often, other people are distant. They don't really want to hear about the hopelessness and distress. Only in retrospect are they available, when it's too late -- and maybe that's the lesson: We are so busy living our own lives that we don't see it coming.

Depression is an isolating condition. Even when one finds help it can be a long, discouraging process. Prozac doesn't work for everyone. Perhaps if people were more aware of how a clinically depressed person sees the world, perhaps if people knew the right questions to ask, perhaps if people understood the depth of the despair and hopelessness, things would be different.

Please don't use my name. I'm constantly alert so that I keep my depressive tendencies under control -- and oh, what a difference in the quality of life! It's like putting on one's glasses and seeing individual leaves on the trees. I wish I'd been diagnosed earlier. -- DOYLESTOWN, PA.

DEAR DOYLESTOWN: Thank you for educating others about depression. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I wish easing the pain of depression was as easy as asking others for help. When your brain is in a blender at full speed, it's difficult for the proper connections to be made. Picking up a phone can be as overwhelming as picking up a 1,000-pound barbell.

What will help people with depression is more funding, research, scientific breakthroughs in medication and education. Our society has a lack of information about depression. Depression is an illness, not a "lack of character."

My heartfelt sympathy goes out to the godmother who lost her godson at such an early age. It's a tragedy. -- A MOTHER IN OREGON

DEAR MOTHER: I agree. The answer lies in research and education. Sick people should not be stigmatized. Anyone suffering from depression that lasts longer than two weeks should discuss it with a doctor and ask for a referral to a mental health specialist. If that's not possible, a suicide or crisis hotline should be contacted.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Have you noticed how often people fail to get out of the way of electric carts used to transport people who can't walk long distances at airports? It isn't pure cussedness. It's because the "warning beep" used by these carts is near a sound frequency that cannot be easily processed by the human ear. (See: "How We Localize Sound" by W.M. Hartmann in the November 1999 issue of Physics Today.) Thus, airline commuters cannot tell where the sound is coming from, which is hazardous to both walkers and riders.

This is actually a common engineering blunder. The "beep" to announce an incoming fax on a computer modem and the beep of a modern range timer are both typically at a pitch just above the hearing range of a host of older people. The back-up beeper on trucks and heavy equipment is also in the same frequency range. (The higher sound frequencies are usually the first to go.)

We all know that engineers are set in their ways, but perhaps a wake-up call from you will jolt them out of their ruts. -- JACK SALISBURY, PALM COAST, FLA.

DEAR JACK: Yes, I have observed pedestrians failing to get out of the way of carts at airports -- but I had assumed it was because they were electric vehicles and didn't make much noise. Of course, the drivers of those vehicles usually wind up warning pedestrians to "step aside!"

However, assuming that engineers responsible for designing modern equipment are younger people in full possession of all their faculties, your letter should serve as a reminder that our population is aging, a condition frequently accompanied by some degree of hearing loss.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter from John Gabel about funerals and death -- I find it interesting as a funeral director that there seems to be a "funeral police" who dictate what everybody should want for final services for their loved ones. There are no "wedding police" telling people that they need not have elaborate weddings or that just a simple dress will do.

Those who seek to change ceremony and tradition have the opportunity to change their own ceremony and tradition, because that is what is right for them.

Many people think if they don't have a funeral or memorial service, they are not expressing or feeling the grief that comes from losing a loved one. To use your words ... how absurd.

As in any industry, there are those who seek for themselves by any means to make a huge profit. However, thousands of funeral directors and funeral homes are caring and helpful to those who have lost a loved one. They do not "stalk" people for their money, and they do not "guilt" people into spending money they don't have. They seek to make an honest living and to be able to sleep at night knowing they have done the right thing.

There is no other profession so maligned as those who work to comfort those who have lost a loved one. -- PROUD OF MY PROFESSION, EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR PROUD: After printing that letter I received a stack of mail from members of the funeral industry reminding me that many funeral homes take pride in serving their communities and do not gouge. Their staff are on duty day and night to meet the needs of grieving families and rightfully take pride in what they do. I also received a few letters from people wanting to air grievances because they felt they had been taken advantage of.

The answer lies in being informed consumers, facing the fact of our mortality, and perhaps taking care of the details before the need arises. An important part of that process is being open with one's family about what one's wishes are, and what arrangements have or have not been made.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have started this letter to you a hundred times, but have never been able to finish it. I hope you will print it.

When I was 16, my mother had a baby -- my only sister. Mom was almost 40 and my brother was 12. After we adjusted to the shock, my sister became the joy of our life. Her smile could banish the gloomies, and she was a treasure to us all.

Sadly, less than two years later (only three weeks after my high school graduation), my best friend -- who lived next door -- accidentally backed her car over my sister, killing her instantly. My little sister had escaped from our back yard without our family's knowledge. It was the worst day of my life, and worse still for my friend. My parents did their best to comfort her, but her large family included her own baby sister who was nearly the same age as mine and was a constant reminder of the tragedy.

Abby, people drive through our neighborhood far too fast. I want to run after them and shout, "Don't you know you could never stop at this speed if a child ran in front of your car? Don't you know that if you kill a child, there will be two deaths? Your life will be over, too."

My family recovered from my sister's death, but my friend never did. The accident ruined her life. She had been at the top of her class, and everyone expected a bright future for her. Instead, she lived through failed counseling, broken marriages, and her career crashed -- all because of a tragic accident that wasn't her fault. She just couldn't forgive herself.

At our 20th high-school reunion, a former classmate asked me, "Hey, whatever happened to that girl who killed that kid?" I responded, "That girl was our class secretary and my best friend, and that kid was my sister."

Please remind your readers that no car needs a heavy foot on the gas while navigating a residential area. And for good measure, before starting a car, walk the long way around to the driver's door so you can check behind the vehicle. Investing a few extra seconds for safety may save a precious child's life -- and your own as well. -- LONELY SISTER IN CHESAPEAKE, VA.

P.S. If you print this, I will clip it and anonymously mail it to a couple of neighbors -- mothers who should know better than to race around our neighborhood.

DEAR LONELY SISTER: I'm printing your letter for all to see. Your message is one I hope every driver will take to heart.

DEAR ABBY: My partner and I, who are in our 50s, have two terrific friends who are in their 30s. They are generous, considerate and polite, but have a habit that drives us crazy. Whenever they visit, we usually wind up in the kitchen where they sit their backsides on the counter to talk and visit. There are chairs and barstools in the area. Proper seating should not be a problem.

Are we being old-fashioned or is this impolite? If so, how do we correct the situation? -- HOMER IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR HOMER: Your friends are used to a more casual kind of hospitality than you are used to extending. As long as their backsides are covered, I see nothing wrong with their sitting on the counter. However, since it offends you, request that your guests seat themselves where you prefer. (An alternative would be to spray the counter with bleach before they arrive ... only kidding!)

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)