DEAR ABBY: My stepson is being married this summer. Both he and his fiancee have been away from the area to attend college and graduate school. Their friends are scattered throughout the country as well as Europe.

They have chosen a reception hall midway between our hometown and that of her parents. (Each of us will have to travel about 45 minutes.)

My husband and I have offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner. Her mother is paying for the wedding -- an elaborate cocktail reception. Although the wedding party is small, my stepson's fiancee claims that all out-of-town guests should be invited to the rehearsal dinner. My husband and I disagree. We feel it is customary to invite parents, siblings and wedding party members and their spouses only. They plan on having 150 to 200 guests at their reception. Please give me your comments, Abby, as I don't feel it is our responsibility to host people they may just want to "party" with. -- MIFFED IN EASTON, PA.

DEAR MIFFED: The etiquette experts are not in complete agreement about whether out-of-town guests "must" be included in the rehearsal dinner.

According to the "Modern Bride Complete Wedding Planner" by Cele Goldsmith Lalli and Stephanie H. Dahl: "The rehearsal dinner may be as formal or as informal as you and the hosts like, and will include all members of the wedding party and their spouses, as well as the clergy, parents and grandparents. OUT-OF-TOWN WEDDING GUESTS SHOULD ALSO BE INVITED." (Emphasis is mine.)

"McCall's Engagement and Wedding Guide" advises: "The rehearsal dinner is likely to be a sizable undertaking. All attendants are always invited; it is also polite to include the husband or wife of a married attendant and to ask the fiance of an engaged attendant. The parents of the ring bearer and flower girls are invited, though they will usually leave these very young attendants with a baby sitter unless the hostess has made special provision for them. If the clergyperson is a family friend or from out of town, he or she is included, as is the spouse. Otherwise, the clergyperson is not invited to this gathering. Special out-of-town relatives MAY also be invited." (Emphasis is mine.)

According to "Emily Post's Complete Book of Wedding Etiquette," it is permissible to exclude out-of-towners at the rehearsal dinner, especially when the wedding party is large and other parties have been planned for those visitors.

Under no circumstances should you entertain more guests at the rehearsal dinner than you can comfortably afford. To help defray the cost, an alternative solution might be for some of the bride and groom's friends to host an informal gathering for the out-of-town guests.

DEAR ABBY: When we were little, my father lovingly changed our evening prayer. As your readers know, it is:

"Now I lay me down to sleep,

"I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

"If I should die before I wake,

"I pray the Lord my soul to take."

My father deleted the last two mournful lines and taught my brother, Andy, sister, Polly, and me to say instead:

"Forgive my doing what was wrong,

"And make me pure and wise and strong."

Perhaps other parents and grandparents would like to say this with their little ones. Do you like this? My father's name was Casper Schenk of Des Moines, Iowa. -- PEGGY SMITH, ARIZONA CITY, ARIZ.

DEAR PEGGY: I like it very much. Your father was a sensible and sensitive man.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old mother of four. I have had the same problem with my husband ever since we were dating.

My husband is a fifth wheel! When I have friends over, he is always right there. My girlfriends and I can be sitting at the kitchen table talking about anything from childbirth to table settings, and he will come in, sit down, and throw in his 2 cents' worth. It's embarrassing; no one else's husband ever hangs around. They are all somewhere watching football, having a brew or whatever else men do when women aren't around. (And sometimes when we are around!)

It makes me so mad I could spit fire. Abby, I don't sit in the middle when my husband's friends come over. I try to respect his privacy. What would I have in common with a bunch of men anyway? That's why I can't understand why he's always sitting around with all of us women.

How can I tell him to get lost without hurting his feelings? The only thing that has kept me from blowing my stack so far is the fact that I love this man, and I know how sensitive he is. He will be hurt if I tell him I don't want him around my friends and me all the time. No matter how nice I am, he'll take it as an insult. -- MUST I SHARE EVERYTHING?

DEAR MUST I: You married a man who doesn't fit the usual masculine stereotype and appears to have broader interests than your friends' husbands do. Many women would love to have a husband like yours, someone with more than the usual common male interests.

However, since you're feeling encroached upon, rather than waiting until you explode with frustration, find a time when he's receptive and explain that there are times women like to discuss "private" things, that the presence of a male is inhibiting, and your friends need some time alone with you.

DEAR ABBY: The letters about obscene phone calls reminded me of something that happened when I was a teen-ager.

A group of us would hang out at "Charlie's" house after school and on weekends. We'd play pingpong, cards, watch TV or just "shoot the breeze." One night, a boy named "Mark" began making obscene phone calls. He would dial random numbers, make a few crude remarks, and then hang up and laugh. We all wanted him to stop, afraid the calls could be traced and we'd all get in trouble. He refused. He said he was having too much fun to stop.

Another friend, "Clint," said he wanted to make the next call. Mark handed him the phone. Clint dialed a number, then quickly handed the phone back to Mark, saying, "I'm too nervous. YOU talk."

Mark took the phone and made his usual crude remarks. His face turned white as he heard a woman say, "Mark, is that you?" Mark slammed the receiver down and asked, "What number did you dial?!" "Your home phone," Clint replied.

As the rest of us howled, Mark actually burst into tears. Perhaps it was a cruel lesson, but Mark never again made an obscene phone call. -- STILL LAUGHING IN L.A.

DEAR LAUGHING: It may have been cruel, but the day your friend "talked trash" to his mother was a day I'm sure none of you will forget!

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: May I comment on the letter from "Little Abby's Mom" regarding the need for blood donors? I delivered my second child three months premature. He had many of the problems that premature babies go through. While he was in the neonatal ICU, his bone marrow stopped making red blood cells, and he needed two transfusions. None of my family members were able to donate blood for him, and without the use of community blood, my son would have died. I am grateful to those blood donors who, probably without knowing it, are heroes in their own right.

I am a coward when it comes to needles. Because of this, I ask that someone hold my hand when I donate blood. I receive a few snickers from onlookers, but I couldn't allow another mommy who may be facing the same problem to experience the anguish of not having "nice, clean" blood for her child.

Please, Abby print my letter so "Little Abby's Mom" knows I said thank you for recognizing how important it is for even cowards like me to donate blood. It's easy and takes only a small amount of time to help save the lives of so many people. -- FAITHFUL BLOOD DONOR IN PHOENIX

P.S. My son is now 6 years old and brings joy to everyone with whom he comes in contact.

DEAR FAITHFUL: If your letter isn't a forceful reminder of how important our nation's blood supply is to all of us, perhaps the next letter will do the trick. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The letter from the new mother whose life was saved by six units of blood from anonymous donors prompts this letter. Thank you very much for printing it.

I, too, have experienced the wonder and miracle of donated blood. Our son had leukemia. During the course of his disease, there were several instances when he became white as a sheet, droopy, listless and exhausted. He would have to go to the hospital emergency room, where he was put in a reclining chair with a bag of blood hanging on a "tree" beside him.

It was miraculous to see his transition to a pink-faced, bright-eyed, lively, energetic boy who talked enthusiastically about life, what he wanted to do, where he wanted to go and things he had seen.

Our son literally was given the gift of life. I am grateful to those anonymous blood donors who gave a few hours of their time and a few pints of blood so that our son could live a few more months. -- LOUISE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LOUISE: After reading your graphic letter, no one can doubt the importance of available blood as artillery in the battle for life. Now for some important information:

DEAR ABBY: There is a common misunderstanding that all blood comes from the Red Cross. In fact, while the Red Cross provides about 46 percent of the nation's blood, a network of independent, nonprofit, community-focused blood banks supply 47 percent of America's blood. Hospital-owned blood banks provide about 7 percent.

For the 72 community blood banks who work 24 hours a day to assure enough blood is available for the critically ill and injured in their respective communities, this is an important distinction. Thank you for helping to make this known. -- LISA MAYLES, DIRECTOR OF PUBLIC RELATIONS, LIFESHARE, NORTHEAST OHIO'S COMMUNITY BLOOD CENTER

DEAR READERS: To find the nearest community-focused blood center, call 1-888-256-6388 for the independent blood centers' hotlines.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)